Carry on Cruising

Synopsis: Captain Crowther's lot is not a happy one! Five of his crew have to be replaced and at such short notice before the voyage begins there isn't much to choose from. Not only does he get the five most incompetent shipmates ever to sail the seven seas, but the passengers turn out to be a rather strange bunch too. The SS Happy Wanderer will never be the same.
Genre: Comedy, Romance
Production: HBO Video
89 min

(Ship's horn)

Well, gentlemen, here we are

just about to set sail on another cruise.

For ten years we've run this ship together,

steadily increasing our reputation

as the most efficient crew afloat.

Together - that's the word.

We know each other.

Ten solid years of mutual knowledge,

and that in itself makes for efficiency.

And enables me, as l look at all your

familiar faces, to come to the point and say...

- Who are you?

- Your First Officer, sir.

You're not. Foxton is.

What's happened to Foxton? ls he ill?

- What's he got?

- Eight draws, sir.

l should be so sick.

l'm your emergency replacement, sir.


On transfer from the Wrens?

They told me you were a pretty wit, sir.

lt's pronounced Marchbanks.

At your service, sir!

- (Laughs)

- What are you laughing at?

Nothing. (Bursts out laughing)

- Who are you?

- Marjori... The ship's doctor.

- lmpossible.

- lt's not impossible at all.

l have certificates to prove it. Have l not?

- l'm certified, l am.

- You look it.

- Thank you.

- A wit! They were right.

- Shut up!

- Sir.

- Binn?

- No, that's the trouble.

- Eh?

- Well, l haven't been regular, lately, you see.

So, therefore, l prescribed myself

a sea voyage and the exercise.

That's why l'm here, actually.

- Say ''sir''.

- You say ''ah''.

Good gracious me.

l do not like that green fleck in the eye.

Never mind about his eye.

Where have you sprung from?

Oh, er...Consolidated Marmalade.

l was the factory's Medical Officer, you see.

- Where's Dr Jepson?

- Consolidated Marmalade.

- This eye? ls it this eye? Are you sure?

- Yes, that's the one.

You see this here, sir? Green as grass in there.

- Too much chlorophyll in the toothpaste.

- Watch it.

- Sir!

- lt's all very unsettling, this.

- All these changes made behind my back.

- Pardon?

- My back! My back!

- Probably overdoing it, eh?

- l'll massage your clavicles.

- You will not!

- Now, where was l?

- You were getting to the point, sir.

Oh, yes, yes.

Now, if this voyage turns out to be

as successful as all the others,

don't be surprised if, after our return,

l ask each of you to...

Excuse me. Could you direct me to the kitchen?

l'm new, you see. Sorry to interrupt you,

but l've been all over the boat.

- Ship.

- Who cares, as long as it floats?

l've been down the sharp end and the blunt end,

and l've been down as far as it's possible to go.

But l keep on finishing up ankle-deep

in mucky water.

- Bilge.

- Ooh! No need to be rude!

- Who are you?

- Well, make a wild guess.

Wilfred Haines, Captain.

You'll find me on the list.

- What happened to our regular ship's cook?

- Perhaps he got fed up.

- Fed up! That's good!

- Belt up!

- What's your story?

- l'm the son of a sea cook.

- The original one, to look at you.

- Thank you!

No, l've always wanted to go to sea.

Thought l'd follow my father's wake, as it were.


All l want to see is that this crew finishes up

the most efficient that we've ever had.

lf it is, when we return, l expect to be given

command of the company's new Atlantic liner.

Which means l will have to select my own crew,

and that could be you. All of you.

- All right, dismissed!

- Oh, good.

Except you, you and you.

Now, then. l am going to be blunt

and make some very cutting remarks.

On the face of it, that's a contradiction in terms.

But English is a very curious language.

- lf you interrupt me once more, Mr...Mr...

- Marjoribanks, sir.

Thank you. lf you interrupt me once more, mate,

you'll hear some really curious language!

Now, then. l have slugged my way up

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Norman Hudis

Norman Hudis (27 July 1922 – 8 February 2016) was an English writer for film, theatre and television, and is most closely associated with the first six of the Carry On... film series, for which he wrote the screenplays until he was replaced by Talbot Rothwell. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "Carry on Cruising" STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 8 Dec. 2021. <>.

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