Carry On Cabby

Wotcha, mate!

Oi, where's the funeral, then?

Watch it, mate, she's got out of the box.

(Chuckles)

Don't do that when you take your test, mate,

you'll never pass.

You filthy, rotten road hog.

Good for you, lady. (Chuckles)

(Tyres screech)

What's the matter with you?

Can't you give a hand signal?

Oh, veteran driver.

Charlie!

Charlie!

Charlie! Ted!

Hello, Peg,

and how are you this lovely morning?

Never mind the lovely morning.

Where's Charlie?

Charlie? Oh, l don't know, Peg.

Perhaps he's in the office.

No he's not, l've just been in there.

Oh.

l meant...the other office, you know, the...

What, for two hours?

Oh, come off it, Ted, you can't fool me.

Has he gone out cabbing?

Mm? Oh, no. Well, he wouldn't do that,

would he? Not after he's promised you.

He's somewhere around, l expect.

Don't worry. Look, l'll find him.

- Well?

- lt's all right, l've finished it.

- You mean you've done all the things you said?

- Yeah.

- How did you do 'em, then?

- lt's simple, just took up the slack.

Service.

What do you want?

Oh, sorry. Beg your pardon.

l think l'll have a nice quick fourpenny roll

with you.

That's enough sauce out of you, Ted.

lf you don't shut up...

- Give us a kiss, then.

- No, l won't.

You ought to be...

Ooh.

l wish l had a nice big spanner handy.

So do l. l'd get you loosened up a bit.

Why don't you two get married

and we could all get a bit of peace?

- That suits me fine. How about it, Sally?

- Over my dead body.

That's not what you said in the pictures.

- Why, what did l say?

- Oh, very romantic it was. What was it, now?

Oh, yeah, she said,

''You get your hand away!'' she said.

Eh?

- He was trying to pinch my walnut crackles.

- Yeah, and l very nearly did too.

- We'll have to get married now, won't we?

- l'm warning you, if you don't shut up, l'll...

l'll fling this tea in your ugly mug.

Ooh, blimey, l'm going.

Sounds too much like home.

Yeah, watch out for that clutch, Smiley.

lt's a bit fierce.

Walnut crackles!

(Horn toots)

No, l haven't.

(Starts engine)

You should have opened the gate first.

l did open the gate!

Smiley, what the devil's going on?

- Blimey! What's happened?

- He forgot to open the gate.

l didn't forget to open the perishing gate!

- You must have done. lt's shut, look!

- That's right.

- l shut it when l came in.

- Would you mind shutting up, when...?

- You shut it?

- Well, of course l did.

Why?

lt says, ''Have you closed the gate?''

And l hadn't, so l did.

But l'd just opened it to go out, you great big nit.

All right, Smiley, l can handle this. Just drive

down to the repair bay before Charlie sees it.

- Who are you? What do you want?

- Oh, l want a job.

Made a good start, haven't you?

Oh, have l started?

Look, cock, shove off. Try the breaker's yard.

lt's more in your line.

Oh. Are you the boss or something?

l'm what they call the something manager.

And my advice to you is to be off.

- You mean buzz off?

- No, but you're getting warm.

But l want to be a taxi driver.

The bloke who gave me this card,

he said l'd be all right here.

- ''This is to introduce...'' Oh, ex-army, eh?

- Yeah.

Well, the boss likes to look after the boys,

you know. He was in it himself.

Yes. ls your name really Tankard?

Yes. Terry Tankard,

only the boys always called me Pintpot.

Well... Are you sure it was Pint-pot?

Oh, yes. You see, it's cos my name is Tankard.

Oh, right. Thank you very much indeed.

The boss is out with a cab at the moment,

- so you'd better come and have a cuppa.

- Thank you.

- Sorry.

- There won't be much of this place left.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote