Synopsis: Carolina Mirabeau was raised 'free-spirited' with two sisters by eccentric, domineering grandma Millicent in the country. Carolina's city neighbor, talented and witty Jewish author Albert Morris, is her best friend, confident and the wacky family's favorite guest. Yet she begins dating Heath Pierson, an 'all too perfect' upper class brilliant Britton, whom she met in the TV studio where she's fired as dating show candidates-screener. But the past and some truths catch up with all of them.
Genre: Comedy, Drama, Romance
Director(s): Marleen Gorris
Production: Miramax Films
96 min

Coffee, Susan, please.

With vanilla.

Good day, Mrs. Mirabeau.

- Ernie.|- Carolina.

And of course, good day

to the fairy princess herself,|Miss Georgia.

So how's married life|treating you this week, Ernie?


Fine, fine.

It's another book.|You know me,

I didn't go through the 8th grade.|My grandbaby here reads Anna Karena.

Anna Karenina. She jumped in front|of a train when her boyfriend left.

Yeah, well grandma's gotta pee.

I want coffee, please.

No, you're too little.

You have coffee.

Thank you, that'll be all Susan.

You know what, you're not a fairy|princess. You're a fairy b*tch.

Yeah, you're an ugly smart b*tch.|No one will ever marry you.

I hate you!

- I hate you even more!|- Look at my shoes!

So what do I care?

- You did that on purpose!|- No I didn't!

- Yes you did!|- No!

- I didn't!|- Yes you did!

You're a b*tch!

Go ahead, kill each other.

Don't worry about the mess.|I'II hose it down after the killing.

Friends, I need some peace.

But Millie, you can't leave them|outside with those butcher knives.

They ain't that sharp.


We are not being raised right.

Hi daddy.

Sweet girls, daddy's got|a surprise for you.

A big surprise.

Is it a puppy?

Meet your new baby sister.|Her name is Maine.

Is her momma dead, too?

No, her mom's in a crazy house|in Bangor.


Hi, momma.

These better be|your soiled shorts in here.

Give me those knives.

Don't you sound that horn

at me, you son of a b*tch.|Leave another child at my doorstep.

Things are gonna be different|for you, Maine.

I promise you that.

Thanks for coming in, John.|You know how the show works, right?

Yeah, you find me a date.

Right. That is true.

But first, you need to tell me|what you look for in a woman.

Well, I want to re-enact|every scene from "91/2 Weeks."

You know, that movie with|Kim Bassinger and that guy.

When I meet my date,|I don't even want to know her name.

- Are you following this, Carolina?|- Loud and clear, Dave.

- John.|- John.

Hi, it's Maine.|Code word grim.

John, this is my assistant, Snake.|He's gonna take over for a second.

- Wait, how do you know what I want?|- John, it's what I do.


Carolina, hello.|Grandma broke my riding crop.

Maine, you said code word grim.

And why are you speaking|in the phony British accent?

Grandma locked herself in the|dressing room and won't come out.

Okay, tell me.

They advertised a $89 VCR in the|paper but the sale ended yesterday.

Grandma said that's a crock of sh*t.|Snapped my riding crop in half

and locked herself in|the dressing room. Two hours ago.

Maine, just so you know, you lost|your accent on that last part.

- Is Georgia with you?|- Why yes. She is.

Georgia, it's Carolina.

Hi, what's up?

Can't you do something before this|ends up in another police report?


Wait, we have movement.

Get me some toilet paper, honey,

cause I gotta go to the bathroom.

$56.90, lady, you win.

I want to experience you.

- Who, me?|- Sorry I'm late.

All my wonderful people.

Daphne St. Claire|is in the building.

- Nice to see you.|- How are you. Nice to see you.

Hello, my dear.

Look at all these people.|They've been camped out for days.

It's like a Pearl Jam concert.|You know why?

No, Albert, enlighten me.

Daphne's books unlock|the mysteries of love.

- We're next.|- Daphne is an oracle.

What would the oracle say about|the mysteries of my love life?

You always pick the wrong guy.|They either dump you, or...

you dump them.|You never get past the third date.

That's not true.|I have a fourth date tonight.

There you are, darling.|Have a nice day.


Miss St. Claire, I can't tell you|what it means to finally meet you.

Well, hello, darling.

That's the second bad accent|I've heard today.

Who shall I make this out to?

Albert Morris.

I love all your books.

They'rejust so...


Like you. Daphne, tell me...

How do you write|about love so well?

Are you gay?

Not gay. Just a fan.

All hearts know about love.|All you have to do is listen.

- She was good this time, wasn't she?|- She was sober this time.

Your publisher should really hire a|better actress for your next book.

Remember, I want a full report|on the fourth date in the morning.

You have one message.

Hi, Carolina. This is Blake.

Listen, about tonight...|Something came up.


Good morning, Carolina.

How was the fourth date?

He cancelled.

He dumped you?

You all right?

Of course I am.|I've forgotten about it already.

You should move, Allie.

You an afford a house|in Beverly Hills or adjacent.

And I hear they keep their car|stereos for 6 months around there.

No, I like the ambience here.

The ever-changing graffiti,

the distinct aroma of urine|in the air...

Wondering why that helicopter|keeps circling over my head.

I like our morning ritual. It makes|me feel like I've got a real job.

Have a great day at work.

Yeah, you too. Take care.



I don't normally do this,

but I don't think that people who|do this are freaks. Necessarily.

Anyway, I'm looking for a woman.


I'm funny and I'm fun and...

I'm a good dancer, good kisser,

and I'm looking for someone|"who is nice and has a good job".

I got to see|"some pearly white teeth".

You can't be missing teeth. And no|yellow teeth, know what I'm saying?

A sense of humor is key.

Cause a lot of women,|they don't get my sense of humor.

They think I'm rude,|sarcastic or arrogant

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote

Katherine Fugate

Katherine Fugate (born July 14, 1965) is an American film and television writer and producer. more…

All Katherine Fugate scripts | Katherine Fugate Scripts

1 fan

Submitted on August 05, 2018

Discuss this script with the community:



    Translate and read this script in other languages:

    Select another language:

    • - Select -
    • 简体中文 (Chinese - Simplified)
    • 繁體中文 (Chinese - Traditional)
    • Español (Spanish)
    • Esperanto (Esperanto)
    • 日本語 (Japanese)
    • Português (Portuguese)
    • Deutsch (German)
    • العربية (Arabic)
    • Français (French)
    • Русский (Russian)
    • ಕನ್ನಡ (Kannada)
    • 한국어 (Korean)
    • עברית (Hebrew)
    • Gaeilge (Irish)
    • Українська (Ukrainian)
    • اردو (Urdu)
    • Magyar (Hungarian)
    • मानक हिन्दी (Hindi)
    • Indonesia (Indonesian)
    • Italiano (Italian)
    • தமிழ் (Tamil)
    • Türkçe (Turkish)
    • తెలుగు (Telugu)
    • ภาษาไทย (Thai)
    • Tiếng Việt (Vietnamese)
    • Čeština (Czech)
    • Polski (Polish)
    • Bahasa Indonesia (Indonesian)
    • Românește (Romanian)
    • Nederlands (Dutch)
    • Ελληνικά (Greek)
    • Latinum (Latin)
    • Svenska (Swedish)
    • Dansk (Danish)
    • Suomi (Finnish)
    • فارسی (Persian)
    • ייִדיש (Yiddish)
    • հայերեն (Armenian)
    • Norsk (Norwegian)
    • English (English)


    Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:


    "Carolina" STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 21 Jun 2024. <>.

    We need you!

    Help us build the largest writers community and scripts collection on the web!

    Watch the movie trailer



    The Studio:

    ScreenWriting Tool

    Write your screenplay and focus on the story with many helpful features.