Candy Jar

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1

Look at him.

Look at that smug look on his smug face.

He thinks the presidency

is his birthright,

like he's the heir to the throne.

I don't care who your mother is.

You just want to ruin my chances

of getting into Harvard, don't you?

Like when you brought in the governor

to upstage

my kindergarten graduation speech.

But I'm not gonna let you get in my way,

not this time.

God, do I detest you.

I loathe you, Bennett Russell.

I despise you, Bennett Russell.

- I abhor you...

- Isn't that right, Lona?

I'm sorry?

Isn't your president

usually decided by a vote?

Yes, but since we have an even number

of members, we cannot have a vote.

- Well, how many members do you have?

- Two.

- Uh, she and I.

- Her and I.

- Her and myself.

- Him and me, myself and I. We, two!

- I got it.

- He gets it.

Therefore,

seniority should take precedent.

- I'm a month older than she is.

- No, seniority, not age.

I've participated and placed

in more total events than he has,

including the state tournament.

I've also raised more money

than she has for our program,

and for our school

and for that lovely building...

You don't get to buy your way

to the top with your mother's Rolodex.

Isn't this ultimately

Mr. Johnson's responsibility?

Absolutely.

But he said that if he made the decision,

it would cause tension in our club.

- Principal Nelson, this is our...

- Co-presidents!

Co what?

Co-presidents!

Therefore, unlike years past,

the two of you will finally learn

how to work together.

No! Co-presidents goes against the purpose

of even having a president.

Fine. No president.

No president?

No president, co-president,

I don't give a damn.

A year from now,

I'm gonna be in the south of France,

sipping something strong,

sweet and expensive, capiche?

No capiche.

Lona, I don't have the energy,

I don't have the time.

Frankly, I've already forgotten

what club you're here...

- Debate!

- Debate!

Go. Out. Scram.

Shoo!

Go talk to Kathy.

Principal Nelson knows

how much we hate each other.

- What is he trying to accomplish?

- Maybe it'll teach you a lesson.

What lesson?

I don't know. Just sounded like

the kind of thing I should say.

Kathy, this is a vehement hatred.

There's nothing that we agree on.

- You both don't like the arrangement.

- Besides that.

- And you both hate each other...

- You're not helping.

You are now one of the presidents.

Put that in your little Harvard

application and move on.

- To what?

- To whatever your heart desires.

Kathy, my heart is a muscular organ

that pumps blood through my body,

and, although romanticized,

has no bearing on my love life

- or my moral decision-making.

- All right.

Let me rephrase.

You ask anybody to Homecoming yet?

No.

I'm not a social person.

So what? You think I waited around

for some guy to ask me out?

No, sir.

I got things done on my own terms.

And look at me, I did great.

Sorry.

My greatest skill is arguing with people.

That's not date material.

If you show up at that dance

wearing a tux,

you're gonna be approached by more ladies

than that guy on that sexist TV show,

I can never remember the name.

What's it called,

the one with the bachelor?

- The Bachelor.

- That's the one.

I mean, but why have a relationship

in high school?

You wind up at different colleges,

and then it was all a waste of time.

Why do you guys take Calculus

when you're not gonna become engineers?

Because Calculus teaches you to...

Whatever it teaches you,

it doesn't matter.

It gives you tools, right?

So your argument

is that I'll become a better kisser?

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