Candiland

1

- What does this guy do, again?

- He's my business manager.

Pays all my bills.

Telephone, rent, charge cards,

everything.

I want him to pay yours too.

I mean, let's face it:

We both recently got

huge cash settlements,

we don't

need to worry about money, so

why should we, right?

- I'm ashamed of those days.

I'm ashamed of myself, and

embarrassed.

I feel like a failure.

- Ah, new sheets!

And they're grey.

- Oh, no.

We want color in a thousand

threat count!

Go get feather pillows.

Hi.

I'll take these.

Mm-mm.

- That'll be $503.65.

Thank you.

Do you...

- No, I do not.

- Thank you.

Have a nice day.

- Don't I need to sign it?

- You already did, ma'am.

- Oh.

Yes.

Yes, I did.

Thank you.

- Ready?

- Oh,

yeah, I just need some Ba-

please tell me this is the

last thing we had to do.

- That's it.

- Okay, let's get back to your

house.

Oh, you should've had those

ready.

- Sorry, sorry.

- Oh, I'm lost in Candiland.

If only my father were here to

help me!

Oh, hi dad, how you doing?

You're my father!

- Seriously, Samson?

Every time we get around dead

bodies

you go all pre-school on me.

Grow some balls.

- Lighten up.

Just trying to figure out their

mindset.

Look at this place.

Call from:
God.

- Peter, pick up the phone

please.

I know you hear my voice, come

on.

I'm beginning to know your

answering machine quite well

this past month.

- If you don't talk

to him, he's gonna come here.

- This is your father

talking; That's an order.

- Hello?

Good dad, good.

- Now, how's the knee?

Uh, that's a stupid question.

I just wanted to make sure

you're okay.

That's all.

- Yeah, yeah, I'm leaving

for England tomorrow.

There's a chance I could

get to go on with them

and do some promoting

on a world class level.

Maybe a month.

I've got everything taken

care of on this end.

Well I made the contact

a long time ago, dad.

It just came up.

- Take care.

And give my regards to the

queen.

He's coming back.

- Well hello there, neighbor.

You wanted to see me?

- Yeah.

Follow me.

- It's not every day

that the elusive Arnie

asks me over; It must

be a special occasion.

- Here are your pie plates.

Thanks for spoiling me.

- Oh great, cause these

cost about 30 cents each.

- I washed them.

- You okay?

- - Yeah.

- Is it your knee, do you need a

doctor?

- No, no, no. It just clicks

sometimes.

Just the way it's gonna have to

be.

Could've been worse.

- It's good to have a positive

attitude.

- In fact, I never used to

believe in god.

- Do you now?

- What am I missing here, Arnie?

What's the magic formula?

Is it cherry?

Blueberry?

- All of the above.

- Me, I just

have the book of Arnie.

- What's that?

- Let's see what psalm 14 has to

say.

- I want you to know

that drinking isn't the answer.

Take it from me.

It prolongs your depression.

- Thou shalt not drink. Praise

Arnie.

- How many pies has a

gal gotta bake before you

take a hint and ask her out?

Oh, because sooner or later

she's gonna open up

her stupid mouth hoping

that you'll rescue her.

Please tell me you're following

me, Arnie.

- You want to go out?

- Pick me up at seven?

- Yes ma'am.

- We just grew apart.

And now he thinks some cheap

advice is gonna fix everything.

- Well he is not gonna be an

issue

for the next little while, so I

think

we should...

Remove him from the apartment.

- All messages deleted.

- I'm half empty without you.

Marines don't cry.

You're all I got.

And I love you so much.

- Hi.

- - Hello.

- New sheets!

- Is it too early to

fall in love with you?

Oh I'm sorry, I didn't

realize you were awake.

- I've been here for so

long without going home.

- Tess! Look at me.

For the first time in

ages I meet someone who

makes me feel at peace, and what

do I do?

I get so excited...

That I smother her.

I'm really not like this.

I'm just so happy.

- I'm happy too.

But there's...

There's something about

me that you don't know.

I can't have children.

- That's it? You can't have

kids?

- That's what...

My scar is from.

I was pregnant...

Something went wrong so they

took it

out of me, they...

They took it all out of me.

- Tess, I don't want kids.

- You say that now.

- Thought about it

upside down and sideways.

No interest.

- Charles wanted kids more than

he wanted me.

- Maybe he's the one

who's missing something.

He let the perfect contessa

slip through his fingers.

- You think I'm perfect?

- Oh, I love having you here.

- That was...

I've always felt like

I've been alone before.

I think that's the first

time I've ever made love.

- What's happening here?

- I've never felt so close so

fast.

- So how's the billster doing

with soccer?

- Oh, pretty good.

He's gotta hit the field more,

but uh,

he's all obsessed with this blog

of his.

- You gotta beat that art

sh*t right out of him.

Trust me, you don't want him to

end up

like one of these whack jobs.

- It tickles!

Is it a puppy dog?

- Uh-uh.

- Is it a truck?

- Nope.

- Is it a pair of pants?

- Ha, wrong!

Now press back,

and hold still.

- I can do that.

- Can you now?

- It's a cactus.

- It's not a cactus!

I think it looks like us.

Our own little private

expression.

- Uh-oh.

But now the rest of the

place looks super bland.

- Yeah!

You're right!

How dare this goddamn place be

so boring!

- We have to fight against it!

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