Broadway Danny Rose

Thank you, thank you.

Oh, if you overate too much tonight...

... I got a great song that the paisans

would understand. It's "Agita".

Uno, two!

# Agita, my gumba, in the banzone

# When I eat,

he gets a treat like a canzone

# He enjoys every meal,

every bite that I steal

# Agita, my gumba, in the banzone

# Some people like their pizza,

some people like suffrite

# And others like hot pepper

on everything they eat

# You hunger with a vuole

to taste that bacala

# Then all at once you think

"Will I answer to gumba?"

# My lovely, lovely woman,

I hate to see her cry

# But when I start to mangia,

I get the evil eye

# My vuole's gettin' stronger,

ah, to hell with my gumba

# Then I get it from my woman,

che de botts a na sciatta

# Agita, my gumba, in the banzone

# When I eat,

he gets a treat like a canzone

# He enjoys every meal,

every bite that I steal

# Agita, my gumba, in the banzone

We got to do Miami jokes.

If you're in Florida, you do Miami jokes.

Morty, I tried Miami jokes.

I don't know what works any more.

- Why? What happened?

- I got that big Miami joke that I do.

About the hotels being expensive

and how much it costs...

...like $150 a day for a sleeping room,

and I said to the clerk "What's cheaper?"

He said "I got a room for $10,

but you make your own bed."

So he gave me a hammer and some nails.

That's the joke.

- It's a good joke. It works.

- Been workin' for years. Last night it died.

Really?

That audience sat there

like they were an oil painting.

I don't know why.

Always works when I do it.

You do that joke?

Maybe that's where I got it from.

When I broke into

this business in New York...

...I could play at least 12 to 20 weeks

a year without leaving the city.

- There was the Latin Quarter...

- The China Doll.

- China Doll...

- Queen's Terrace.

- Played the Boulevard...

- What about Jersey? The Stagecoach...

- Lamplighters.

- Riviera, Bill Miller's.

Look how far you have to go. You went

to Washington. I went to Baltimore.

- You gotta have good tyres to work today.

- Or a good car.

The first impressin I did,

I went to see The Seventh Veil.

I didn't want to become an impressionist.

I was trying to develop an English accent.

The idea of impersonating James Mason

was the furthest thing from my mind.

Out came this impressin and

I've been doing impressions ever since.

- But this thing is all in the mask, right?

- And then I did Picasso for a few weeks.

You know the first time

I saw you do Mason?

It was backstage at the Sullivan show.

You were brilliant.

I was there with Danny Rose.

Remember Danny Rose?

He was handling an actor - the manager -

and a one-legged tap-dancer.

It was his normal handling.

Danny Rose. Yeah. Oh, he's the best.

May I say one word? Might I just interject

one concept at this juncture?

You're lookin' for somebody

for Memorial Day weekend.

My blind xylophone player, OK?

The man would be perfect for your room.

- Ah, forget it.

- Philly, will you please hear me out?

The man is a beautiful man.

He's a fantastic individual.

My hotel gets old Jewish people.

They're blind.

- They ain't gonna pay to see a blind guy.

- So forget that, then.

How about Herbie Jayson's birds?

Herbie Jayson's birds.

They're little birds. They peck tunes out

on a piano. It's a beautiful thing.

What about my one-legged tap-dancer?

Take him for a weekend.

- All right, my one-armed juggler.

- Not for my hotel!

All right, what about Lou Canova,

my Italian singer? He'd be great.

Lou Canova's a dumb, fat, temperamental

has-been with a drinking problem.

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