Boys on the Side

SCENE 1

JANE:

Thank you. I'm Jane DeLuca, this is Johnny Figgis,

and our band.

MAN:

I'm going to take a leak, Babe.

WOMAN:

Bye.

JANE:

Did you see that bitch, man?

JOHNNY:

Fuck her.

JANE:

I'm going to fuck her!

JOHNNY:

Wait! J...J...Jane!

JANE:

Girl, that man is so fine!

WOMAN:

Yeah, actually he is.

JANE:

Is this your first date?

WOMAN:

Mm hm. Listen, do you need to clear something? Go

ahead and take everything, just leave us the glasses.

JANE:

No, I was the singer up there. You didn't see me? I

was like signaling and going like this to you.

WOMAN:

What are you talking about?

JANE:

You don't know? Oh Baby! You had the biggest,

greenest thing hanging out of your nose, so I kept

going like this.

WOMAN:

Oh my God. You could see it from up there?

JANE:

Baby, it looked like Gumby doing Tarzan. It was huge!

WOMAN:

Oh my God! All right.

JANE:

You know.

SCENE 2

MAN:

You blew my rent, man! I had an important A &R guy

coming down and you fucked me! You know what? You're

outta here! You're canceled! Forget it!

JOHNNY:

No, you can't...Hey, wait!

MAN:

Wait for what? Till you learn to sing?

JANE:

What's up with him? What did he want?

JOHNNY:

You wanna know what's up with him? That son-of-a-

bitch just fucked us!

SCENE 3

JANE:

You know, this town is dead for me anyway. We got

that gig in L.A., we'll just leave a little early.

JOHNNY:

Yeah, well maybe this is trying to telling us

something. You know what I'm saying?

JANE:

Yeah, it's telling us we're fucking fired! That's

what it's telling us.

JOHNNY:

Well, no, not just this. I mean, maybe L.A. isn't the

answer to our problems.

JANE:

Well, what does that mean?

JOHNNY:

Well, Tommy hooked me up with some studio work in the

city. It's good money. It's in the city. And I've

got to think of Debbie here, you know?

JANE:

Oh, Debbie? Isn't that the little girl in Queens who

sets her hair everyday, this is suddenly a factor?

TAXI:

Yo! Get the fuck outta the way!

JANE:

You get the fuck out of my way! Do you understand?

Go back to Pakistan!

JOHNNY:

Look, I've gotta be realistic here, all right? I've

got to look ahead. I mean, how long have you've been

doing this shit? What, for seventeen years? Look...

JANE:

Look, what? Look, what?!

JOHNNY:

I don't want that to happen to me, okay?

JANE:

You should be so lucky!

JOHNNY:

Hey, I got priorities here, you know!

JANE:

You know, she's holding you back, man. Everybody says

it. She's like Yoko with bangs!

JOHNNY:

They don't say that she's holding me back, okay?

Look. All I'm saying is, don't go to L.A. All right?

I mean, even if you don't got shit going on here, you

still got all that voice-over stuff...

JANE:

Let me tell you something, man. You stay here. You

stay here and you play daddy, okay? I'm gone.

JOHNNY:

Jane!

SCENE 4Jane is packing her things, finds an

advertisement in the newspaper asking for a driver to

drive to the west coast.

SCENE 5

JANE:

That was in '78. I was supposed to be the new Aretha,

but the old Aretha was the new Aretha and I was

neither one, so I was something that no one had ever

seen before.

ROBIN:

Sure.

JANE:

So I'm gettin' the fuck out! (To waitress): Could I

get some french fries, please?

WAITRESS:

Coming right up.

JANE:

You know, head down to L.A., get some gigs going, get

the heat happening.

ROBIN:

Well, great. That's perfect because I can drop you

there, and then head on to San Diego on my own.

JANE:

Great.

ROBIN:

You know, I used to sing, too.

JANE:

Oh really?

ROBIN:

Mm hm. Nothing professional. Mostly amateur talent

competitions.

JANE:

Oh, "Star Search" or something?

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