Boy

(SPEAKS MAORI)

My name is Boy,

and welcome to my interesting world.

My favourite person

is Michael Jackson.

He is the best singer and dancer

in the world.

Last month he put out a record

called 'Thriller'.

It sold a gazillion copies

and now he lives in a castle

with a snake and a monkey.

He is so famous that you can

even see him in the stars.

I live in a white house

with my nanny and my cousins...

Hucks, Kiko, Miria, Chay and Kelly.

I have a pet goat called Leaf.

I also have a six-year-old brother

called Rocky.

- (PEOPLE JEER)

BOY:
Loser!

He thinks he's got powers.

- (BANG!)

- (PEOPLE SCREAM)

He doesn't.

Bye-bye.

Yesterday

my nan went away to a funeral.

While she's gone

I'm in charge of the house.

(ENGINE REVS)

I go to Raukokore School.

I have many favourite subjects,

including art...

(LAUGHS)

...social study...

...and Michael Jackson.

My friends are Dallas

and her sister Dynasty.

They also have a sister

called Falcon Crest.

Dynasty is the only girl

around here with a job.

She does after-school gardening work

for her dad.

Aunty Gracey is my mum's sister.

She has lots of jobs.

(GRUNTS)

She's the tennis coach,

the mailman, the school bus driver

and she runs the local shop.

Aunty, can I have

a free iceblock, please?

(WHINES)

My real name is Alamein.

I'm named after my dad

and he's named after some place

where the Maori battalion

fought during World War II.

Dad's brothers and sisters

are Faenza, Tunisia, Libya

and Michael Jackson.

My dad's not here right now.

He's a busy man.

He's a master carver,

deep-sea treasure diver,

the captain of the rugby team

and he holds the record for punching

out the most people with one hand.

When he comes home he's taking me

to see Michael Jackson live.

The end.

Thank you, Boy.

Tane, your turn. Get up there.

TANE:
My name is Tane...

Young man, you're a liar.

Your dad's not overseas.

- He's in jail for robbery.

- Shut up, Kingi. You don't know.

Yes, he's in the same cell block

as my dad.

Not anymore. He escaped.

- How?

- He dug a hole underneath the fence.

- With what?

- A spoon.

(SIREN WAILS)

What about the guards?

- Aarggh!

BOY:
He wasted them.

BOY:
With the spoon.

- Aarggh!

(GROANS)

- Bullshit.

- Shut up, Kingi, you don't know.

(TANE SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

(WHISPERS) Look at me.

Look at me. Look at me.

Look at me. Look at me.

Look at me. Look at me.

Look at me.

Go and talk to her, bro.

A man needs to tell a woman

how he feels.

I don't want to talk to her.

Tane would. He'd probably

French kiss her too.

You French kiss

all the girls, eh, bro?

Pretty much.

Not all the girls.

Well, here's my trick.

I tell the girls that

I'm afraid of undies

and when they want me to go away,

they show me their undies.

(LAUGHS)

Act cool. Act cool. Here she comes.

(WHISPERS) Go do something.

Hey, Chardonnay, want to see

some Michael Jackson dance moves?

He did those moves at the Grammys.

Al, the boy's afraid of undies.

(GIGGLES)

Nits, nits, nits, nits, nits.

Who here has had nits?

- (ALL SPEAK INDISTINCTLY)

- Oi, shut up.

Now, who knows what disease

this sheep has got?

AIDS.

- Not AIDS, you dork.

- (ALL LAUGH)

Yes, because it looks like Murray

and he's got AIDS.

Don't be stupid.

Kids can't get AIDS... only gays.

He's a gay.

He goes out with Boy.

Shut up, Kingi.

Ohh! What are you gonna do?

Get your brother on me or something?

That picture looks like

Kingi's undies

when he shat his pants

on sports day, remember?

- Fuck up, Boy.

- You fuck up.

- You fuck up.

- You fuck up.

- Fuck up.

- Hey!

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