Bottom Live: The Big Number 2 Tour Page #5

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RICHIE:

One pound?

EDDIE:

...-ish. Yeah, you see, er, after admin costs, and a donation to charity. We actually come out with 5p, and we just spent 10p on the phone call finding that out.

RICHIE:

So having won, we're actually 5 pence down on the deal?

EDDIE:

That is correct, yes, well done.

RICHIE:

Well, it's a result, then, isn't it?

EDDIE:

Yes, yes. Yes, it's... it's a crap result.

RICHIE:

Oh well, who needs them, come on, on with the rest of our lives. What is the next bit of my life?

EDDIE:

Oh, it's a punch in the face.

RICHIE:

OOH, wut...?

(Eddie punches Richie.)

RICHIE:

oh, bollock, I wasn't expecting that, Eddie.

EDDIE:

Well, you should read your horoscope more carefully. It's all here on page seven of the Bugle.

RICHIE:

Is it?

(Richie reads the Bugle. He laughs in surprise.)

RICHIE:

So it is. Wednesday: Get punched in face, Thursday – Get knackers caught in wrench.

(As Richie is distracted by reading the horoscope, Eddie has sneakily made his way to the back of the couch and picked something up.)

RICHIE:

Friday:
Get nipples set on fire. Hang on, this is all written by “Mystic Eddie”. “You'll wish it never came true.” Anyway, it's not Wednesday, it's Thursday.

EDDIE:

That's right, matey, it's “KNACKERS DAY!”

(Richie exclaims in horror, as Eddie whips out the massive wrench he just pulled from behind the couch. Eddie proceeds to squish his testicles in the wrench. As Richie groans in pain, Eddie joyously shows the wrench to the audience. After a second of pain, Richie realizes he surprisingly enjoys it, and turns to Eddie, lecherously giggling.)

EDDIE:

Oh, you want some more, do you?

RICHIE:

Yes please.

EDDIE:

Right!

(As Eddie gives him a second round, Richie groans in pleasure with the first two crunches, but soon remembers how painful it is.)

RICHIE:

Alright, that's enough, stop, Eddie. STOP!

(When Eddie doesn't stop, Richie starts punching Eddie. Eddie throws away the wrench, and punches back, and it escalates into a fistfight. Eddie kicks Richie in the bollocks, wanders over to the table, and picks up the frying pan. He smacks Richie round the head with it numerous times.)

RICHIE:

Right, Eddie, i’ve got…

(Before Richie finishes his sentence, Eddie swings it right into the front of his face, causing Richie to fall to the ground.)

RICHIE:

Wait.

(Richie lays on the ground with his hand out, begging Eddie to stop. They briefly wait for the audience to stop cheering.)

RICHIE:

No, Eddie, stop, stop, stop! I'm completely f***ed.

EDDIE:

Yeah. I can see that, that'll teach you to drink five pints before you come on.

RICHIE:

Yes, but at least it wasn't beer.

(Richie licks his lips and slowly nods to the audience.)

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