Bottom Live: The Big Number 2 Tour Page #3

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EDDIE:

I thought we were going to have a biscuit first.

RICHIE:

Perhaps you're right. Hob nob?

EDDIE:

No, i've got an ordinary one, like everyone else.

RICHIE:

Yeah, it's just as well, because I don't seem to have packed them.

EDDIE:

Right, tea's up.

RICHIE:

Oh good.

(Eddie puts the tea tray down.)

EDDIE:

Should I be motherf***er?

RICHIE:

Would you?

(Eddie sits down.)

EDDIE:

One lump or two?

RICHIE:

(Dirtily) Two please, Eddie.

EDDIE:

Right you are.

(Eddie pours milk out of the teapot. It's so out of date that it's gotten stuck, and he has to shake it hard to force it out.)

RICHIE:

Cheers

EDDIE:

Cheers

(Eddie and Richie clink their cups together and chuck them across the room.)

RICHIE:

That hit the spot.

EDDIE:

Yep.

RICHIE:

D’you know, I think i've got someone else's bags here.

EDDIE:

Those trousers look alright to me.

RICHIE:

No, no, no, Eddie, these.

(He indicates the two bags on the table he was carrying when he came in.)

EDDIE:

Ah.

RICHIE:

Mind you, come to think of it, I did get into a very violent fight with some pensioners by the disabled toilet under the underpass.

EDDIE:

Oh yeah?

RICHIE:

I mean, what do you suppose this is?

EDDIE:

Well, it's either an individual chicken korma ready meal for one. Or...

(Eddie pulls out a clear plastic bag, with a rather disgusting looking brown substance in it.)

EDDIE:

It's someone's colostomy bag.

(Richie sniffs it, and is still unable to determine which one of the two.)

EDDIE:

What do you reckon, shall we cook it up and give it a whirl?

RICHIE:

YEAH! Ooh, no, Eddie, no no no, let's save it for the queen.

EDDIE:

WHAT, THE QUEEN'S COMING ROUND!??!

RICHIE:

YES, THE QUEEN’S COMING ROUND!!!! Now sit down, let's have an important family chat.

EDDIE:

Right you are.

RICHIE:

Now, Eddie…

EDDIE:

Mm hmm?

RICHIE:

The Queen is coming to tea. And someone is going to have to clean the lavatory.

(Eddie stops blindly agreeing with Richie upon hearing this, and starts to choke in horror.)

EDDIE:

CLEAN THE LAVATORY!?

RICHIE:

Clean the lavatory!

(Eddie screams in terror, runs across the room.)

RICHIE:

Eddie? Eddie!

(Eddie dives head first out of the window. A whistling sound can be heard as Eddie falls, followed by the sound of clanking and clattering as Eddie impacts upon the bins outside, as well as dogs angrily barking. Richie thrusts his pelvis on the last bark.)

RICHIE:

Oh, well that's just effing marvellous, isn't it? Christ al-blummin-ruddy-flip-mighty. Well there's no way I'm going to clean that... that entrance to Hades. Might as well call the whole bloody thing off.

(Richie tries closing the door in anger, but it bounces back open again. Richie tries again, it still doesn't close. The audience cheers.)

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