Boobs in the Wood

Synopsis: British risque pantomime comedy about Robin Hood, Maid Marion, and the evil Sheriff Richard Dangley.
106 min


Put on that Bobby Womack.

No, girl, I want to go way back.

Oh yeah, check this out.

Please put that in the kitchen.

And watch the wall... the wall!

- Who is this pretty lady?

- I told Oliver we shouldn't do this here.

- What's wrong?

- Why couldn't we do it at the church?

- Mike, get that out of my face, please.

- Mr Blackman is going to like this one.

Yeah? I have some videos myself.

You know I keep everything, boy.

- Are you trying to blackmail me?

- That's exactly what I'm trying to do.

Tell my son Roland I want to see him.

Oliver, time to set up

the chairs outside.

It just wouldn't seem right

without any drama.

I never thought Roland would

get married. Apparently, neither did he.

The wedding kicks off in three hours

and nobody can find him.

My name is Mike. Big Mike

in the Wood, but we'll get to that later.

What's the Wood?

It's not what you think it is.

No, it's Inglewood, California.

It's where we grew up.

Me, Roland and Slim.

There's Slim. He's been pissed off

ever since Roland went missing.

- Every five minutes he says...

- Where the f*** is that n*gger?

- See?

- Who the f*** are you talking to?

Excuse me.

If Roland didn't want to get married,

he shouldn't have asked.

Nobody forced him. He wants to be

Hugh Hefner and get married.

- Hugh Hefner is married.

- He's divorced... F*** him, too!

The point is, we were supposed

to meet the photographer an hour ago!

And don't ever front me

in front of people we don't know.

Don't mind Slim. He and Ro are always

in disagreement about something.

It's always been that way.

Me? I get to play the peacemaker.

The mediator.

Goddamn! It's hard to believe we

dressed like this and thought it cool.

Oh, man.

In 1986 me, my little brother

and my mom moved to Inglewood.

An L.A. Suburb.

My mom got a new job at the hospital.

For the last time, I hoped.

This was my third school in five years.

It wasjust like the movies here.

Middle of January, yet 80 degrees.

Palm trees, sunny skies

and, of course, beautiful women.

You see her titties in "Purple Rain"?

You could eat off those.

- You're crazy.

- Vanity looked fine in "Last Dragon".

She didn't show no tit.

Let's ask him, man.

- Who's finer, Vanity or Apolonia?

- Apolonia, man.

- Vanity.

- What did I tell you?

- He doesn't know anything.

- You're the new kid, right?

So, are you cuz or blood?

Are you cuz or blood?

- Cuz what?

- What set are you from, man?

I don't know anything about any sets.

I'm from North Carolina.

North Carolina? That's why

the n*gger sounds like Willie Nelson.

You better hang with us. You got

to learn how to make it in the Wood.

- Otherwise you might get shot.

- Shot?

You know, shot. Bang-bang.

- The n*gger don't know nothing.

- We've got to teach him the ropes.

- I'm Roland. This skinny fool is Slim.

- I'm Mike.

- You play ball?

- I play baseball.

We ain't in Boston. That's that

white boy, Ricky Schroeder sh*t.

- I mean basketball.

- No. But I watch it a lot.

Rule number one in the Wood:

Either you gang-bang or you play ball.

Or you could be a pimp, like me.

Because I've got to stay clean.

Whose homeroom are you in?

- Mrs Hughes.

- That's where we're going.

What's up with the threads, man?

And look out for Mrs Hughes.

Somebody should give her a Tic Tac.

Oh, man!

- Who is that?

- That's Alicia.

- She's fine as hell, ain't she?

- You ain't never lying.

- What, you like her?

- No, I just think she looks good.

So does every n*gger in the school.

Watch this, though.

- Alicia...

- What are you doing?

Alicia, you're looking nice today.

You ain't got a play. Give it up.

Alicia. It was early in the morning,

but my hormones were wide awake.

Settle down. Before we begin,

I'd like to introduce Michael.

Today is his first day. Stand up

and tell the class about yourself.

Yeah, Michael.

I kept thinking,

"Please go down. Please!"

- Well, I'm Mike...

- Come up here, so we can see you.

I've got to be cool.

Think of something. Baseball.

First base, second... Hell,

I'd like to hit a home run with Alicia.

Sh*t, bad move!

Well, I'm Mike.

I'm from North Carolina...

and I like sports.

- And that's it.

- "I like sports and that's it."

Levinio, is something amusing you?

Then turn to page 15, like the rest.

- Levinio?

- What page is 15 on?

Never mind. I'll find it.


- Whose number is that anyway?

- We'll find out.

- Hello.

- Who's this?

- Nice to speak to you too, Slim.

- Tanya? This is real bad.

Is Ro over there?

Yeah, and he's pretty jacked up.

Would you be quiet!

He's been drinking.

- That n*gger don't drink.

- This is an enormous snag.

Roland and Tanya,

that was his first love. First...

Keep that fool there. We're coming.

Hurry up, or I'll put my foot

where it don't belong.

- Hurry up.

- We're coming right now.

- What's up?

- I hope he didn't do what I think.

We've just got to go and get him.

- That's sweet. When did you get that?

- A couple of weeks ago.

Nothing big.

A little something.

If you work hard, you might

afford one of these one day.

- What's up?

- Come here, my childhood n*gger!

- What's wrong?

- Why the long faces?

- What have you been drinking?

- Have you forgot about today?

The flowers, the family, Lisa?


I bet she's looking pretty.

- Is she, Slim?

- He came like this an hour ago.

Making love forever...

- That was our song.

- What's wrong with you?

- You didn't f***, did you?

- No. What do I look like?

- I'm just saying...

- Nothing happened. Leave it at that.

- Let's go before she whops my ass.

- I ain't going to that place.

What do you mean?

I paid $100 for this tux!

- I'll go and get some coffee.

- And get some Listerine, too.

Listen. Get the f*** out of here,

because I'm trying to get into that.

Did you see her booty?

I'm going to make her booty giggle.

- What is wrong with you?

- You wanted to squeeze it.

You're getting married. Don't be a punk.

- You're a punk.

- I will whop your mud-bone ass.

You're f***ing up big time, man.

Damn, Mike.

I know I'm f***ing up.

I love Lisa, but I don't know, man.

I just don't know.

What don't you know?

You thought of all that p*ssy

you'd be giving up and you punked out.

- That's what it is, Mike.

- Somebody always has to punk out.

I'm sorry to break up your

all-boys meeting, but this is my house.

You need to drink this.

No, hold it. God...

- I'm sorry.

- This sh*t is cold.

- We've got to go.

- My head is spinning.

- I've got to chill here.

- Not here. Grab your sh*t and let's go.

Let's go, baby.

- Where are you going with my pot?

- I'll bring it back.

I found myself in the damnedest

situations with Roland and Slim.

My first school day was no different.

Peep this thing.

Look at that booty.

- I bet it's soft.

- I'd love to grab that ass.

Before sex, there was grabbing booty.

For a 14-year-old, that was the best.

It was like a game. You run up

and grab a girl's booty, and run.

- I dare you to grab her booty.

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Jim Davidson

James Cameron Davidson, OBE (born 13 December 1953) is an English comedian and presenter. His highest profile roles came on television when he hosted Big Break and The Generation Game. He is also a stand-up comedian and writer, developing adult pantomime shows such as Boobs in the Wood and Sinderella, both of which have played to sell-out audiences. Davidson has become known for his use of controversial jokes about women, ethnic minorities, gay people and disabled people, although he denies accusations that he is prejudiced against these groups. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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