Blood Diner

Synopsis: Two cannibals/health food diner owners are on a wacky quest to restore life to the five million year old goddess Shitaar. Aided by their uncle's brain and penis, the two set about getting the required parts - virgins, assorted body parts from whores, and the ingredients for a "blood buffet". Their adversaries are the police: the chief with a Russian accent, the "player" detective, and the new Yorker with an Australian accent.
Genre: Comedy, Horror
Director(s): Jackie Kong
Production: Lightning Pictures
Rotten Tomatoes:
88 min


Crazy, crazy, crazy

Crazy, crazy, crazy over you


Crazy, crazy, crazy

Crazy, crazy, crazy over you

Crazy - Ooh doo wa

I tell you that I'm crazy

- Ooh wa...

- So crazy that I'm hazy

- Doo wa

- Crazy over you

Crazy, crazy, crazy,

crazy over you

Ooh, crazy - Ooh wa

Without you, dear, I'm crazy

- Ooh wa...

- So crazy that I'm hazy

Crazy over you

Kids! I can't...

Where are

those little sh*t-heads?

There you are.

Now pay attention.

I'll be back in 20 minutes.

Don't open the door.

Don't let anyone in.

Going to the market.

Ran out of goddamn tampons.

We interrupt this program

to give you

an important news bulletin.

A suspect in the Happy Times

All-Girls Glee Club slaying

has fled the scene

and managed to elude the police.

He is armed and dangerous

and has been spotted

in the Westside area

armed with a meat cleaver

in one hand

and his genitals in the other.

We urge all residents to stay

inside and lock your doors

until the suspect

has been apprehended.

We now return you

to your normal programming

for your listening pleasure.

Oh, love

Will make your mind go wild

Make your mind go wild

Okay, George, I'm ready.

Go get Spunky.

Okay, Mike.

Aw, come on, George.

Stop fooling around.

Here, Mikey.

Look deep into my eyes, Spunky.

You are under my power.

You'll do as I say.

Make your mind go wild

Uncle Anwar! Uncle Anwar!

And how are

my two favorite nephews?

Great, Uncle Anwar.

I've been practicing my hypnotism

exactly as you said to

in your book.

Well, that's fine, Michael.

That's very fine.

And what about you,

George Forge'?

Look, Uncle Anwar. Yum yum.

Ah, why, George, you are going

to be a great chef one day.

Honestly, that looks good enough

to eat. Heh heh.

I have a surprise for you

You remember the story

I told you

about the ancient Lumerians?

And the goddess Sheetar.

Boy, that's our favorite story!

These are for you to keep.

Absolutely genuine...

- Ooh.

- Lumerian amulets.

Take good care...

for they are

over 5 million years old.

Anwar Namtut...

- Wow! Keen!

- We know you're in there!

I'm afraid your Uncle Anwar

- is in a bit of a pickle...

- Detective Paul Stanton...

so I'll have to go

and straighten things out.

What's the matter, Uncle Anwar?

I want you to promise me

you will never forget me

or all the things I taught you.

And study your book hard

for Sheetar.

Can't you stay and play?

We have the house surrounded.

No. Got to go.

Love you, boys.

We know you're in there!

Time's up, Anwar!

We're coming in!

There he is.

Hold your fire.

Drop the cleaver, Anwar!

He's coming!




What's going on?

Hey, what's going on?




Hey, Mikey.

Come on, Georgie.

Stop screwing around.

We have work to do

for Uncle Anwar.

What now, Mikey?

Okay. Open up the coffin.

Sit him up.


You see? He's happy to see us.

Give me the hacksaw.

Damn thing's stuck. Georgie,

give me a hand, will ya?


We got it.

What now, Mikey?

"The resurrection from the veil

of chaos and darkness

has come again, Sheetar."

- ls it working, Mikey?

- I don't know.

This type of thing

hasn't even been tried since...

5 million years, you morons.

And how are

my two favorite nephews?

- Anwar? Uncle Anwar?

- Of course.

- It's Anwar. Anwar.

- Who do you think it is?

Oh, it's Anwar! We did it!

- Uncle Anwar!

- We did it!

We did it! Georgie, it's us!

Quit f***ing around, you two!

- We have work to do.

- It's... Mikey!

Oh, my God.

Oh, I can't believe it.

Oh, my God.

Grave robbers,

maniac grave robbers,

and it isn't even Halloween yet.

What do you make of it, Mark?

Beats me, Chief.

Seems like the work

of pathological weirdos.

Without doubt, your most

understated deduction to date,

my friend, but... but where

are the clues?

Can't say I found any.

I interviewed

the watchman's daughter,

good-looking babe.

She said he didn't have

an enemy in the world.

Damn good thing he didn't.

As it was, his eyeballs

were popped out of his head,

and the rest of his body

was hacked to bits

and strewn about

like some ungodly jigsaw puzzle.

There's gotta be some clues

here somewhere, Chief.

We just gotta

put the pieces together

and see what we've got.

You're right, Mark.

You're always right

and a damn good detective,

too, I might add.

But when

you've been on the force

as long as I have,

you begin to develop

a sixth sense

about the diabolical.

It kind of slinks down


and grabs you by the shorts.

Lately, I've had

this strange premonitive feeling

about some inevitable event

of cataclysmic proportions

which is looming ahead of us.

You need help.

I'm assigning you a new partner,

- a rookie from New York.

- Ohh!

She broke the enema bag

rapist case wide open

posing as a sex surrogate.

You are now anointed disciples

of Sheetar.

If you follow

my instructions carefully,

we will be able to resurrect

the goddess Sheetar

from the dead.

You must be disciplined

and prepare for a mission

far more taxing than anything

you have ever confronted.

What the hell are you

gawking at, you idiots?

Remember the night

I came to see you?

That night, on this mission,

I lost my genitals and my life

because of lack of discipline

with the glee club girls.

I couldn't stop myself

from indulging!

You boys must stay solid!

This is a mission I failed

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Michael Sonye

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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