Billy Liar
- NOT RATED
- Year:
- 1963
- 98 min
- 1,995 Views
Good morning, housewives.
And a very special good morning
to the housewife who lives
at 26 Fairmile Road, Derby.
Yes, it's you, Mrs. Beryl Heseltine,
your great day, because
I've got birthday greetings for you
from your husband Charles,
your son Harry,
not forgetting the girls next door.
'They've chosen for you
'Kenneth McKellar singing
"Song of the Clyde".
'And here he is. '
# I'll sing of a river
I'm happy beside
# The song that I sing
is the song of the Clyde
# Of all Scottish rivers
it's dearest to me
# it flows from the hills
all the way to the sea
# It borders the orchards
of Lanark so fair
# But from Glasgow to Greenock
in towns on each side
# The hammer's ding-dong
is the song of the Clyde
She likes to sing
when she does her housework.
That applies to a lot of you.
But, actually, I'm talking
to Mrs. Ritchie of Flat 43,
Priory House, West Bromwich.
'Your niece Eileen has written to me
asking for your favourite tune
'and it's coming up now. '
'Now, I've quite a few names.
'There's Mrs. Joyce Tucker
of 74 Clement Attlee Way, Nottingham.
'Mrs. Rhoda Elliott
of London Road, Slough.
'There's Mrs. Rose Chester
of Cartmell Drive, Lincoln.
'And last but not least,
Mrs. Betty Bullock.
'Now, congratulations for you,
Mrs. Bullock, on your 70th birthday.
'I don't know your address,
but wherever you're listening,
'I hope you and the neighbours
will enjoy hearing Litolff's scherzo'.
- Ee, they've never sent my book.
- Here's your tea, Mother.
They've not played
that record of mine yet.
It must be at the bottom
of the pile, my name.
- Them curtains could do with a wash.
- Oh, shut up, Mother.
Where's his bloody Lordship?
She wants to go up with a wet dishcloth
and wring it over his face.
- He wants a bloody good hiding.
- I've shouted him three times.
That'd shift him.
He'd have to get up then.
Every morning the same!
Hey, you up there, come on!
Get out of it!
'It was a big day for us.
'We had won the war in Ambrosia.
'Democracy was back once more
in our beloved country. '
Go up and kick him out.
He's bloody idle.
- She lets him do just as he likes.
- Go up to him yourself.
Do you hear me?
Bloody well get up!
Squad, eyes left!
Eyes left!
Battalion, by the left, salute!
'It is often wondered
how left-handed salutes,
'peculiar to our republic,
originated.
'This is a tribute to the seven
survivors of the Battle of Wakefield,
'all of whom, by coincidence,
By the left...
salute!
Billy,
Well, come on, then!
It's nearly half past nine.
I'll not tell you again.
All right, I'm coming.
'Today is a day of big decisions.
'I'm going to start writing me novel,
'I'm going to start
getting up in the morning.
'Well, I might as well
cut that for a start.
'Yes.
'Today is a day
'of big decisions. '
Don't go making fresh tea for him.
You've enough to do
without cooking six breakfasts.
That was a blackie postman
just went past the window.
Ee, they're all darkies now.
There's blackie bus conductors
and blackie nurses.
They can't get work, you know,
in South Africa.
- Ee!
- Go on, ignorant, knock her over.
You'll be imminent
if you don't get up.
- Good morning, Father.
- Get on with it, lad.
You're half an hour late already.
Good morning, Mater.
How are you?
- She lets him do as he likes.
- I'm your most obedient servant.
You can stop that bloody game.
Hey, it's you I'm talking to!
What time did you get in last night?
More like this bloody morning!
I really couldn't say.
About half past eleven.
Yeah, more like one o'clock.
I'm not having you
gallivanting about all hours.
- Who are you having gallivanting about?
- I'll give you a thick ear!
And what were you doing down
at Foley Bottoms at nine last night?
- Who said I was at Foley Bottoms?
- Never mind who says.
You were there, and it wasn't
that Barbara you were with.
He wants to make up his mind
who he's with.
He goes out with too many lasses.
He's like a lass himself.
You want to tell whoever saw me
to mind their own fizzing business.
It is our business,
and don't you be so cheeky.
If Barbara's coming for tea,
I shall tell her so don't think I won't.
You never play fair with that girl.
I'm surprised she bothers with you.
He's not old enough
to stop out half the night.
- One.
- It's every bloody night alike.
- Two.
- Come in at a proper bloody time.
- Three.
- Or live somewhere else.
- Perhaps I will do.
- You what?
I've been offered a job in London.
Ee, there's been a lot
of twins born lately.
I said I have been offered
a job in London.
- What bloody job?
- How do you mean?
A job scriptwriting.
Scriptwriting! He can't write his name
so that anybody can read it.
How do you mean, scriptwriting?
I've told you. Boon, Danny Boon,
the television comedian.
He's in town
opening the new supermarkets.
I sent him some of me scripts.
He's read 'em.
He's read 'em and he likes 'em.
Sent me this letter... Look.
He's offered me a job in London.
He likes my material.
How do you mean,
he likes your material?
This is Danny Boon, right?
And this pepper pot
is my material, right?
Right?
Danny Boon sees my flaming material
so he flaming well asks me for it!
Here, here, here!
Watch your language.
Flaming this and that.
- He's gone too far.
- Do you want to know or don't you?
Because if you want to know,
I'll tell you,
and if you don't want to know,
I'll shut up.
- Right. Try again...
- You just eat your breakfast.
- Plus get your mucky self washed.
- And get to work.
Why don't you see he gets dressed
before he comes down?
She wants to burn his raincoat.
Fling it on the fireback.
Then he'd have to get dressed.
Spoiled him all your life.
I knew it would be my fault.
I don't know.
He won't have a job anywhere,
never mind London, at this rate.
He's not going to London.
That's one of his stories.
He can't say two words
without telling a lie.
What was he telling that woman
about me having me leg off?
Do I look as if I've had my leg off?
You'll have to stop
making things up, Billy.
There's no sense in it at your age.
We never know where we are with you.
I mean, you're too old
for things like that now.
I don't know
what we're going to do with you.
Oh, my God, how dreary.
Billy's pissed again.
So glad you're going to London,
you old loafer.
Simone and I were thinking of kicking
you out of the old nest any day now.
Better come into the library,
and we'll talk about the money end.
And keep your hands off
Seventeen.
You can't call anything your own
in this house, can you?
Hey, shirt.
When are you going
to unlock that wardrobe?
- Why?
- Because I say so.
- I've got me private things in there.
- Never mind things.
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"Billy Liar" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 14 Oct. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/billy_liar_4102>.
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