
Big Ass Spider
[SCREAMING, GUN SHOTS FADE UP]
[MONSTER ROARS]
Oh, thank goodness. Stay, Mrs. Butterworth.
Stay, damn you! Stay! Stay! Stay!
Good morning, Mrs. Jefferson.
How are you? Oh. Oh! How are you?
Oh, you're shaking.
Thank you for coming.
Okay.
Thank you for coming.
Oh, that's all right.
On your day off especially.
Oh, come on. Are you kidding me?
Where is it, out back?
It's in the trap.
In the where?
In the trap.
Okay. All right, it's okay.
Thank you for coming
on your day off.
I got our little friend.
[CAT HISSES]
Is it ugly?
Is it ugly? They're
all beautiful to me.
Kept us up all night long with its ruckus.
Didn't it, Mrs. Butterworth?
Butterworthless when it
comes to catching critters.
At 5:
06 A.M. I heard that trap shut, and Icalled you ASAP. You're on my speed dial.
I know, Ann.
I hope you rot in hell,
you filthy vermin!
Okay, I'm going to set it
loose in the park, okay?
Yeah, set it loose in the park.
Break his neck first.
Alex? Alex- Yeah.
I am... I'm just...
I'm so embarrassed.
The darned government
was late with my Social
Security check again,
so I brought you this.
Oh.
A little sugar.
That is so sweet of you.
Thank you.
It's full of maraschino cherries,
and I left off the stems this time.
Wow. Well, you can never count
on the government for anything,
but you can always count on me.
My favorite client.
You are such a nice guy.
Ah, well... How come...
...a nice guy like
you is still single?
I ask myself that same
question every day. I
guess I just haven't met
the right girl yet.
When you do...
...she's going to be exhausted.
That was awkward. Okay, bye, Mrs. J.
I'll see-
Alex, Alex.
Yeah.
You have a spider on your arm.
What? Oh, that's a tattoo.
A spider. No, no, no, no.
A spider is on your arm.
Oh, look at that. Look at that.
Oh, that's a brown recluse.
This is highly poisonous.
As long as you don't
provoke it, so we just
have to stay calm. Okay?
Let me help you.
Remain calm, okay?
Let me help you. I can-
No, no, stay calm means
I don't need your help.
Okay, let me help you.
No, don't help me. You just stay calm.
No, Mrs. J. No-
[ALEX SCREAMS]
Paging Dr. Bender.
Paging Dr. Bender.
Was that a dead body?
Let's not focus on
that, Mister...
Mathis. Was that one of
your patients, Nurse...
Lisa? I mean, I-I don't care. I'm not
saying that you were responsible for that,
was just a little concerned.
You know, I would imagine, if I
looked up the word "nurse" in,
let's say, Nurse Journal or Nurse
Illustrated or whatever it is,
that I would probably
see a picture of you.
I mean, you are, like,
the perfect nurse.
Are you done?
Okay.
Okay, so it says here you have a small
puncture wound on your upper arm.
Correct.
Can you remove your
shirt, please?
Sure.
It might be a bullet
wound, though, actually,
because I'm dodging bullets
all day long in what I do.
And what is it that you do?
Um, well, I actually-
Ow, ow. I, uh... Actually, I shouldn't
tell you. It's top secret. Ow.
I'd say you're a comedian, but the shirt
gives you away. So do your work books.
Well, Mr. Mathis, it looks
like one of your bugs bit you.
From the swelling,
I'd say a spider.
You know what? You'd be right.
It was a brown recluse.
All right, let's just do 1/10 cc
of Dexamethasone or cortisone,
whatever you want. It's
not my first barbecue.
Okay, let me check that with the doctor.
I'll be giving you these shots myself.
Then you'll be out fighting
bugs again in no time.
Uh, nurse... Lisa... let's say for
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"Big Ass Spider" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2019. Web. 14 Dec. 2019. <https://www.scripts.com/script/big_ass_spider_4030>.