Big Ass Spider

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[SCREAMING, GUN SHOTS FADE UP]

[MONSTER ROARS]

Oh, thank goodness. Stay, Mrs. Butterworth.

Stay, damn you! Stay! Stay! Stay!

Good morning, Mrs. Jefferson.

How are you? Oh. Oh! How are you?

Oh, you're shaking.

Thank you for coming.

Okay.

Thank you for coming.

Oh, that's all right.

On your day off especially.

Oh, come on. Are you kidding me?

Where is it, out back?

It's in the trap.

In the where?

In the trap.

Okay. All right, it's okay.

Thank you for coming

on your day off.

I got our little friend.

[CAT HISSES]

Is it ugly?

Is it ugly? They're

all beautiful to me.

Kept us up all night long with its ruckus.

Didn't it, Mrs. Butterworth?

Butterworthless when it

comes to catching critters.

At 5:
06 A.M. I heard that trap shut, and I

called you ASAP. You're on my speed dial.

I know, Ann.

I hope you rot in hell,

you filthy vermin!

Okay, I'm going to set it

loose in the park, okay?

Yeah, set it loose in the park.

Break his neck first.

Alex? Alex- Yeah.

I am... I'm just...

I'm so embarrassed.

The darned government

was late with my Social

Security check again,

so I brought you this.

Oh.

A little sugar.

That is so sweet of you.

Thank you.

It's full of maraschino cherries,

and I left off the stems this time.

Wow. Well, you can never count

on the government for anything,

but you can always count on me.

My favorite client.

You are such a nice guy.

Ah, well... How come...

...a nice guy like

you is still single?

I ask myself that same

question every day. I

guess I just haven't met

the right girl yet.

When you do...

...she's going to be exhausted.

That was awkward. Okay, bye, Mrs. J.

I'll see-

Alex, Alex.

Yeah.

You have a spider on your arm.

What? Oh, that's a tattoo.

A spider. No, no, no, no.

A spider is on your arm.

Oh, look at that. Look at that.

Oh, that's a brown recluse.

This is highly poisonous.

As long as you don't

provoke it, so we just

have to stay calm. Okay?

Let me help you.

Remain calm, okay?

Let me help you. I can-

No, no, stay calm means

I don't need your help.

Okay, let me help you.

No, don't help me. You just stay calm.

No, Mrs. J. No-

[ALEX SCREAMS]

Paging Dr. Bender.

Paging Dr. Bender.

[WOMAN KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Was that a dead body?

Let's not focus on

that, Mister...

Mathis. Was that one of

your patients, Nurse...

Lisa? I mean, I-I don't care. I'm not

saying that you were responsible for that,

but being your next patient I

was just a little concerned.

You know, I would imagine, if I

looked up the word "nurse" in,

let's say, Nurse Journal or Nurse

Illustrated or whatever it is,

that I would probably

see a picture of you.

I mean, you are, like,

the perfect nurse.

Are you done?

Okay.

Okay, so it says here you have a small

puncture wound on your upper arm.

Correct.

Can you remove your

shirt, please?

Sure.

It might be a bullet

wound, though, actually,

because I'm dodging bullets

all day long in what I do.

And what is it that you do?

Um, well, I actually-

Ow, ow. I, uh... Actually, I shouldn't

tell you. It's top secret. Ow.

I'd say you're a comedian, but the shirt

gives you away. So do your work books.

Well, Mr. Mathis, it looks

like one of your bugs bit you.

From the swelling,

I'd say a spider.

You know what? You'd be right.

It was a brown recluse.

All right, let's just do 1/10 cc

of Dexamethasone or cortisone,

whatever you want. It's

not my first barbecue.

Okay, let me check that with the doctor.

I'll be giving you these shots myself.

Then you'll be out fighting

bugs again in no time.

Uh, nurse... Lisa... let's say for

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