Behaving Badly

1

I am so f***ed.

I make one stupid bet with a

sociopathic Lithuanian kid

and now my best friend's in

jail, my dad is a fugitive,

they found a dead body

in my mom's trunk,

the love of my life thinks

I'm the Antichrist,

and I have crabs.

But most shockingly...

Mom?

She wouldn't have gone anywhere.

We're fully stocked.

Mom? Mom?

Holy... sh*t.

Is that a letter to her dog?

911. What's your emergency?

Yes, I'd like to

order an ambulance.

- Location, please?

- 844 Marx Avenue.

Oh, hey, Rick.

Rick? Rick?

I'm selling raffle tickets

to the Policemen's Ball.

Is your mother home?

Yes, but I think she's dead.

- Step down, and...

- Got it.

Alright, everybody, calm down! OK?

This is a crime scene.

Hold up one second.

Let me get a picture

of this real quick.

It's just a potential homicide.

We better hurry in case

she's an organ donor.

Don't make me hurt you.

What is the victim's name?

Lucy Rebecca Stevens.

- Date of birth?

- Uh, March something.

- Old.

- Old. Education?

My mom's deep-throating

a breathing tube

and you wanna know how

far in college she got?

Listen, we have a potential

homicide investigation here.

A homicide? How do you explain

the myriad of suicide notes?

- You can't have those.

- That one's addressed to me.

- They're evidence.

- That one's addressed to me.

Only if you let me

look at it first.

Now keep back.

What does 'opprobrious' mean?

It means abusive or malevolent.

Well, you're opprobrious,

and you've been f***ing

her best friend.

How did she find out?

If Mom knows, who else?

Billy would be pissed that

I was ploughing his mom,

not to mention how his

dad, her husband,

the ex-college football

player turned Neo-Nazi,

sporting goods salesman

who does a very good business

in shotguns might feel.

More importantly, what if

Nina Pennington finds out?

Enough about me, I wanna

see what this one says.

- Now we'll hang on to these.

- Yeah, fine, fine.

Until after our

investigation is complete.

Alright.

Oh, uh, about those raffle tickets?

It was Mrs Bender. The

nut job told her.

Of course, she left

out how it happened.

I had no choice. It's kind of...

It's kind of embarrassing,

but here's how the

whole thing went down.

I wager $1,000.

Two weeks ago, I wasn't f***ed.

- You know Josh Groban?

- Not even close.

Truth was, I had never had sex

with anyone other than myself,

but this was the year I

was gonna change that.

I had fallen in love and her

name was Nina Pennington.

You forgot to put

the seat down, fag.

It wasn't me. It was... it was Mom.

Oh, for the love of

little baby Jesus,

would you close those

goddamn drapes?

Some people's moms look

at the glass half full.

Other moms look at it half empty.

Mine looks at it and asks

if you're gonna finish it.

Mom, did you leave

the toilet seat up?

Sorry?

Where's your father?

Uh... he moved out again.

Right. Sonofabitch.

You watch, I'm gonna

divorce him this time.

Where were you last

night until 3am, madam?

Uh, feeding the homeless.

- Aww.

- Why do you always believe her?

When I said I was giving blood,

you told me I was full of

sh*t and grounded me.

You didn't have any track marks

and watch your f***ing mouth.

And I got straight A's in school.

And she got straight A's.

Have you heard from Agent...?

Stanford, and no, I haven't

heard anything yet,

but it should be any day now.

You're a stripper, Kristen.

With all the tips you make, why

do you even need a degree?

Because I'm trying

to better myself.

Why can't you be more

like your sister?

Why would I want to be a skanky ho?

- Mom, kill him.

- Can I?

OK, so the whole thing

started Saturday...

Joseph Stevens, my sperm donor.

He stayed married to my mom

because he couldn't

afford a divorce.

If that isn't love,

I don't know what is.

- What are you up to, mister?

- Nothing.

- You are grounded.

- No.

Unless you do me one little favour.

And here I thought you came for

some quality father-son time.

Remember that video camera

I borrowed last week?

Oh, yeah, video camera,

to videotape that sales

pitch with your secretary.

Sales pitch. Oh, yeah,

yeah, sales pitch.

Anyhow, I think I

left a tape in it.

- Your mother didn't, uh...?

- Mom operate video equipment?

She has a hard enough

time with the doorknob.

- How is your mother?

- Do you honestly care, Joseph?

- Not really, no.

- Steven.

- Joseph wants his tape back.

- Twat.

Thank you.

And, the next time you borrow

the camera for a sales pitch,

try not to leave any...

residue on the tripod.

You are so grounded, mister.

Grounded.

OK, so the whole thing started

on Saturday, April 14.

Unfortunately, this is

pretty much a true story.

The names have not been changed

to protect the innocent,

because, well, everyone in this

story is guilty of something.

Speaking of guilty,

I was running errands

for Jimmy Leach.

He manages the club where

my sister, Kristen, strips.

Yo, p*ssy!

He also manages to be a total tool.

I mean, look at that 'stache.

Gotta be a registered sex offender.

I need you to go find

Cherysh. She's MIA again.

He didn't pay sh*t

but I could think

of worse ways to spend the day.

Are you still f***ing here?

'Bye, Tanya.

F*** off! Mmm. What day is it?

It's Saturday.

OK, uh... I will

give you a blow job

if you tell him I had to

get my stomach pumped.

Huh?

Hm.

I'm more a grower than a shower.

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