Barney Thomson

Synopsis: Barney Thomson, awkward, diffident, Glasgow barber, lives a life of desperate mediocrity and his uninteresting life is about to go from 0 to 60 in five seconds, as he enters the grotesque and comically absurd world of the serial killer.
Genre: Comedy, Crime
Director(s): Robert Carlyle
  4 wins & 5 nominations.
96 min

I've got two styles...

short back and sides.

And back and sides.

I start at the crown.

And work outwards methodically.

I like

a calm working environment.

Every barber has his quirk...

well, except me.

I've not got any.

Don't see the point. Really.

Head down...

get on with it.

That's me.

I prefer it

when they don't speak.

I cannae be bothered

speaking to them either.

I like the quiet.

So what makes a legend.

Do you think?


Well. That rules me out.


Not your man.

Nobility of purpose?

Can't help you there. Either.

My life's always been boring.

I don't mind that.

There's a place

for being boring.

Cuttin' hair is boring.

Sittin' at home is boring.

That was all right.

I was a boring kind of guy.

If you'd asked me back then.

Pd have said I was content.

Smilin' in the comer.

The rain runnin' down my neck.

Then fate decided

to leap on my back.

And I turned round and saw

that I'd been nothing

all these years

but a howling ghost.

From nowhere. I was alive.

I'd never had to

deal with the law before.

Only had to look at a police

and! Shafted.

But circumstances changed...

and. Suddenly. I had my very own

one-to-one copper

breathing down my neck.

Everywhere I turned,

there he was...

this big slab of bastard

staring right back.

Yeah. I was alive. All right.

But for how long?

I'm Barney Thomson.

And this is the story

of what happens

when you move chairs.

I'm telling ye.

He's not

in the Lynch league yet.

77 wins, and I'm talkin'

the pre-nutrition years.

14 knockouts on a diet

of Irn Bru and dog food.

Comics by the door, Charlie.

Thanks, Barney.


What you talkin' about?

Don't believe that.

She's a fuckin' liar.

I Wasn't at Karen's.

I had to go the hospital.

A shadow on my lung.

Nah, nah. It's fine.

They gave me tablets.

What are we doin' tonight?

Maybe you can come by again,

and I could gie ye

another "Maryhill Moothfae"...

Oh! That's fuckin' disgusting.

All right, Darling.

See you in a bit. Bye.

Right, up you come.

Doesn't even make sense.


can I have a wee chat'?


All this chatter

must be bothering ye, eh'?


Well, the boxing chat.

Is it bothering ye'?


I think you might be, uh...

might be happier up here.

- What, there?

- Aye.

Let me get this straight.

I was in the windae

for eight years,

then I was in the second chair,

then the third.

Now you want me

oot by the bins'?

I mean, that...

that's not even

a fuckin' barber's chair!


You have nae patter, Barney.

Nae sparkle.

You hang over the customers

like a shitty cloud.

Scaring 'em away,

standing there

like a big streak of piss.

It's like

you've had a charisma bypass.

You look like a haunted tree.

That's all I'm saying.

Well, your dad brought me

into this shop 20 years ago.

I'd like to hear

What he has to say about this.



Let's get my da on the phone.

I'm a fuckin'...

haunted tree'?

Shitty cloud...

Big streak of piss...

He's standing there

like a haunted tree.

Nae patten.

All right, who's next'?

I'm gonna wait

for Chris, thanks.


What about you'?

I'm just waitin' for Wullie,

if that's all right.

That's, uh... that's fine.

Actually, no.

It isnae bloody all right. No.

Not one of you want to get

your hair out by me'?

Am I... Am I that bad'?

What you want to wait

for these two for'?

It's half-past three already.

You'll no all get seen!

Are you mental?

Come on, Barney.

That's out of order.

What is this'?

Some kind of conspiracy?

First, you bump me

intae the back of beyond,

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    "Barney Thomson" STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 16 Apr. 2021. <>.

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