Bad Sugar

Synopsis: The Cauldwells are a wealthy mining family led by miserly, ailing patriarch Ralphfred. Scheming elder daughter Daphne is married to embittered wheelchair-bound Greg whilst younger sister Joan is a simple, trusting, childlike soul who nonetheless accidentally poisoned her brother Neil when they were children. Gold digger Lucy arrives to marry Ralphfred's son Rolph, though Rolph is more interested sexually in Lipton, his valet, and Lucy is dismayed to find that Rolph lied about his father being at death's door. Learning that her father has changed his will to leave everything to his nurse Maria, Daphne seduces hunky but dim gardener Simon into poisoning Ralphfred against her, getting Maria sacked. A new will is announced - but this leaves everything to Imperial College to keep Ralphfred alive in suspended animation. Daphne also gets a shock when Lucy unveils a portrait of her when she was a mental patient.

I've met the most beautiful

woman in the world,

and I'm going to marry her!

And best of all, Daddy,

she's from one of

the racial groups you tolerate!

We haven't met yet.

I'm Rolph's sister, Daphne.

I'm sure he'll be down soon.

Fingers crossed!

Tuck that shirt right down there,


Lucy? This is bad luck!

For me to see you!

But you haven't seen me!

Damn! Damn this bad luck!

God damn! Maybe we should

take a rain check.

I can't believe

you're doing this to me!

I'm not! It's Lipton!

Bloody Lipton confusing me!

You're so hot, and I'm so hot,

so let's just get the hell married

and have ourselves a bunch of hot,

rich kids!

Just tuck it right down there,


That's it.

Right down.

Therefore, we begin the service

of joining together

these two before us

in the holy union of marriage.

Who's the oldster, Rolph?

It's just Dad.


But... I thought your dad

was on a machine.

Yeah, he is. Bloody running machine!

But I thought you said

life support machine?

God, no! That was a false alarm.

He's much better now.

Didn't I tell you?


No, you didn't.

That's great!


Sorry, it's just a surprise

to see your dad looking so perky.

Such a wonderful surprise.

I'm just...

I'm just so surprised.

Is hidden from your eyes...

I'm marrying your son.

It's just lovely

to finally meet you.

How are you feeling, would you say?

Out of... out of ten?



OK... five.

Could be better, could be worse.

We can all live with five!

Anyway, on with the wedding!

If any of you know of cause

or just impediment

why these two persons should not

be joined in holy matrimony,

you are to declare it now.



I've no such reason

to henceforth declare.

Thank you.

Lovely to meet you.

Thank you so much.

See you later.

Welcome to the family!


So exciting!

May you be welcome here

for as long as you may stay.

Thank you.

I love your dress.

So clever of you to make everyone

else feel so comfortable.

Welcome to hell!

Don't mind my husband.

Greg's just bitter

cos his legs don't work.


Still... lovely suit.

I'm sorry it's all so rushed.

We zoomed back when we heard

your father wasn't well.

I guess we just couldn't wait.

So I hear you met

whilst Rolph was cruising.

On the cruise, yes.

Don't you think you've had enough?

Greg's a member of an elite squad.

The Wine Police.

His weapon is the wet blanket.

I'm so excited about you

cutting the cake!

I baked it specially!


Let's hope there's no bad sugar

in this one, Joan.

There's no bad sugar in this one,

Daphne. I made sure of it.

Bad sugar?

It's just a joke! Isn't it, Joan?

A joke about how you poisoned

your twin brother.

We're always doing them.

Yes, we do do them a lot.

Joan killed Neil with some bad sugar

when they were seven,

and now we relieve the tension

with jokes.

It's nice to relieve the tension

with some jokes about how...

about how I killed Neil.

These are the good times,

by the way.

This is everyone

on their best behaviour.



You look so beautiful!

Better than a supermodel.

A super-duper model!

Lipton, there.

Rolph, look.

Daphne's wedding present.

It's full of dead wasps.

I guess you'd call him my manservant.

Pshh, I wish!

Hell of a guy.

Rolphie, I was thinking.

Why don't we get away for a while?

Just you and me?

Go travelling.

Interesting, yeah.

Just take a few of the guys

and go off.

Just me and you and Lipton.

Or just us?

Could be cool.

Could be very cool.

I'd have to talk to Dad, though.

Maybe he won't mind letting me

have enough for another holiday.

You... you have to ask your dad?

The mines are mine, Lucy!

It's easier to remember that way.

The mines are his.

My mines, my money!

Daddy keeps a tight grip

on our purse strings.

Just like he keeps a tight

grip on the workers' wages

all across Namibia and Angola

and Mozambique!

The lower the wages,

the higher the profits.

And never mind

the safety standards

and let the devil take the hindmost!

We comply by governmental

safety standards, Greg.

You know that.

We often end up

talking about mine safety codes,

don't we, Greg and Daddy?

Yes, of course we do.

Because if the codes

were enforced,

then maybe my goddamn

useless legs might work!

Don't be such a show-off,


What do you think

of the Riesling?

It's exceptional.

Of course it is, Ralphfred!

It complements the foie gras


Well... I suppose, erm...

business is business.

Exactly. Business is business.

You picked a smart one here, Rolph!

For once, you didn't lay

a great egg in your pants.


I wanted to ask you, Ralphfred,

these lovely...

Don't you touch those,

you, please!

I'm sorry, Lucy.

Those actually happen to be

the last thing our mother touched

before she left us for ever.

Oh, I'm sorry!

I'd no idea!

It's fine.

How were you supposed to know?

You couldn't.

You don't know this family

and you don't know anyone in it.

I don't think

they were the last things...

They definitely were, Joan,

so why don't you shut up?!

Maybe just stop at the four glasses

tonight, eh, Daphne?

Lucy, do help yourself

to my speciality dish.

All the useless sausage you can eat.

Mmm, sausage!

That's Terry. He drowned.

That's Paul. He was run over.

Liam, we're not sure.

Maybe oat intolerance.

And this is Richard, my current one.

He's not dead yet.

Oh! Oh, they're beautiful! I love...

they're horses, aren't they?

Yes, they're horses.

Yes! Brilliant!

I love horses! It's just I've been

away on the ship,

so I'm not up on

all the current... beasts.



But I know I've found someone

who's going to tell me

about every single one.

How wonderful!

You could be the sister I never had!

But you have a sister.

Oh, yes! Daphne!

I forgot all about her for a moment.

Silly me! Maybe it's because

we didn't grow up together.

At 16, Daphne went away

to Los Angeles to become a star.

But due to the scientologists

and growing sick of sucking all that

you-know-what, she got frozen out.

So then she went to Har-vard,

which is American for university,

but she ended up in Baltimore,

living with a monkey.

That's where Daddy and Dr Trennamen

went to get her.

They put her in hospital,

and they cured her with electricity.


That's nice!


Oh, I'm sorry.

Is it...

Oh, did Neil play the piano?

Oh, did you drop a piano on him?

Afterwards? To finish him off?

I used to play,

but I can't any more.

There was an accident.

Oh, dear Joan, tell me all about it.

I don't remember exactly what

happened, because I was fast asleep.

Silly old, lazy old me!

But this one time,

I was playing in church

and everyone said I was the best and

I should play for Daddy's birthday.

And I was getting a bit

full of myself.

On the morning of the concert,

I woke up and my fingers were all...

Not right.

And I haven't played since.

That's awful, Joan! You must play!

Yeah. Oh, well, never mind,

cos soon it's my birthday!

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Jesse Armstrong

Jesse Armstrong is a British comedy writer, best known for the Channel 4 sitcom Peep Show and the BBC political satire The Thick of It. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "Bad Sugar" STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 12 Jul 2024. <>.

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