Bad Sugar

Synopsis: The Cauldwells are a wealthy mining family led by miserly, ailing patriarch Ralphfred. Scheming elder daughter Daphne is married to embittered wheelchair-bound Greg whilst younger sister Joan is a simple, trusting, childlike soul who nonetheless accidentally poisoned her brother Neil when they were children. Gold digger Lucy arrives to marry Ralphfred's son Rolph, though Rolph is more interested sexually in Lipton, his valet, and Lucy is dismayed to find that Rolph lied about his father being at death's door. Learning that her father has changed his will to leave everything to his nurse Maria, Daphne seduces hunky but dim gardener Simon into poisoning Ralphfred against her, getting Maria sacked. A new will is announced - but this leaves everything to Imperial College to keep Ralphfred alive in suspended animation. Daphne also gets a shock when Lucy unveils a portrait of her when she was a mental patient.
Genre: Comedy

I've met the most beautiful

woman in the world,

and I'm going to marry her!

And best of all, Daddy,

she's from one of

the racial groups you tolerate!

We haven't met yet.

I'm Rolph's sister, Daphne.

I'm sure he'll be down soon.

Fingers crossed!

Tuck that shirt right down there,


Lucy? This is bad luck!

For me to see you!

But you haven't seen me!

Damn! Damn this bad luck!

God damn! Maybe we should

take a rain check.

I can't believe

you're doing this to me!

I'm not! It's Lipton!

Bloody Lipton confusing me!

You're so hot, and I'm so hot,

so let's just get the hell married

and have ourselves a bunch of hot,

rich kids!

Just tuck it right down there,


That's it.

Right down.

Therefore, we begin the service

of joining together

these two before us

in the holy union of marriage.

Who's the oldster, Rolph?

It's just Dad.


But... I thought your dad

was on a machine.

Yeah, he is. Bloody running machine!

But I thought you said

life support machine?

God, no! That was a false alarm.

He's much better now.

Didn't I tell you?


No, you didn't.

That's great!


Sorry, it's just a surprise

to see your dad looking so perky.

Such a wonderful surprise.

I'm just...

I'm just so surprised.

Is hidden from your eyes...

I'm marrying your son.

It's just lovely

to finally meet you.

How are you feeling, would you say?

Out of... out of ten?



OK... five.

Could be better, could be worse.

We can all live with five!

Anyway, on with the wedding!

If any of you know of cause

or just impediment

why these two persons should not

be joined in holy matrimony,

you are to declare it now.



I've no such reason

to henceforth declare.

Thank you.

Lovely to meet you.

Thank you so much.

See you later.

Welcome to the family!


So exciting!

May you be welcome here

for as long as you may stay.

Thank you.

I love your dress.

So clever of you to make everyone

else feel so comfortable.

Welcome to hell!

Don't mind my husband.

Greg's just bitter

cos his legs don't work.


Still... lovely suit.

I'm sorry it's all so rushed.

We zoomed back when we heard

your father wasn't well.

I guess we just couldn't wait.

So I hear you met

whilst Rolph was cruising.

On the cruise, yes.

Don't you think you've had enough?

Greg's a member of an elite squad.

The Wine Police.

His weapon is the wet blanket.

I'm so excited about you

cutting the cake!

I baked it specially!


Let's hope there's no bad sugar

in this one, Joan.

There's no bad sugar in this one,

Daphne. I made sure of it.

Bad sugar?

It's just a joke! Isn't it, Joan?

A joke about how you poisoned

your twin brother.

We're always doing them.

Yes, we do do them a lot.

Joan killed Neil with some bad sugar

when they were seven,

and now we relieve the tension

with jokes.

It's nice to relieve the tension

with some jokes about how...

about how I killed Neil.

These are the good times,

by the way.

This is everyone

on their best behaviour.



You look so beautiful!

Better than a supermodel.

A super-duper model!

Lipton, there.

Rolph, look.

Daphne's wedding present.

It's full of dead wasps.

I guess you'd call him my manservant.

Pshh, I wish!

Hell of a guy.

Rolphie, I was thinking.

Why don't we get away for a while?

Just you and me?

Go travelling.

Interesting, yeah.

Just take a few of the guys

and go off.

Just me and you and Lipton.

Or just us?

Could be cool.

Could be very cool.

I'd have to talk to Dad, though.

Maybe he won't mind letting me

have enough for another holiday.

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Jesse Armstrong

Jesse Armstrong is a British comedy writer, best known for the Channel 4 sitcom Peep Show and the BBC political satire The Thick of It. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "Bad Sugar" STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 4 Aug. 2021. <>.

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