Bad Moms Page #4

The bake sale.

Is this a joke?

Now, this is a list

of the toxic ingredients

that are absolutely banned

from the bake sale.

No BPA,

no MSG, no BHA, no BHT.

Plus no soy, no sesame,

and, of course, no nuts

or eggs or milk or butter

or salt or sugar or wheat.

Okay?

Sorry, what ingredients

can we use?

Anyway, I will be putting together...

Thank you.

...a special bake

sale police force

that will monitor the food. That

will destroy any offensive treats

and prosecute

the wrongdoers.

Yes.

So who will be

my first volunteer

for the bake sale

police force?

I think we're gonna

have Amy Mitchell!

What?

That's what you get

for being late, sweetie.

No.

(ALL GASP)

(CHUCKLES)

What's that now?

I've had a really long day.

I have been

bruised and burned,

knocked unconscious.

I screwed up my daughter's

first day at soccer

and I hand-searched

my son's poo for a pen cap

and my poor dog

has vertigo.

I mean, who knew that that was

even a real thing, you guys?

God, I'm drowning

at work

and my boss

is a f***ing moron

and... (CHUCKLES)

Three hours ago

I may or may not

have committed

a felony hit-and-run.

(GASPING)

I can't do this anymore.

I'm sorry.

I'm done.

I quit.

(INDISTINCT MURMURS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hey, what can I get ya?

Oh, Scotch.

Oh, hey, I know you.

You're that chick that always

picks up my kid from school

when I forget/don't

want to.

Amy Mitchell. Yeah, Carla.

Carla Dunkler.

Jesus, you look like

a bag of d*cks.

(CHUCKLES) Thanks.

Hi.

I'm really sorry to interrupt,

but, um, I just have to tell you,

what you did back there

was amazing.

(CHUCKLES) Thank you.

It's Kiki, right?

Yes.

She knows my name.

(STUTTERS)

I feel like

Beyonc Knowles.

Why don't you sit down

and have a drink with us?

What do you mean "us"? Honey, I

was just sitting here by myself.

I would love to,

but I can't.

I have to go to

the grocery store

and then I have to go home and

clean out my son's hamster cage,

'cause he gets so

mad when I forget.

Have a drink, Kiki.

Okay, yeah.

Okay. Yes, I'd like

an apple juice.

Why don't you

have this instead?

Excuse me?

(LAUGHING)

Oh, do you know what my

favorite mom fantasy is?

What?

Uh-oh.

Having a quiet

breakfast by myself.

Oh! That is so hot!

Oh!

Sounds glorious.

Oh.

(SIGHS) Sometimes when I'm

driving all by myself,

I have this fantasy that

I get into a car crash.

Not a big one with fire and explosions,

but just like a little one.

But I do get injured

and I get to go to the

hospital for two weeks

and I sleep all day and I eat

Jell-O and I watch so much TV

and it's all

covered by my insurance.

My kids bring me balloons, and

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