Baby Mama

I did everything

that I was supposed to do.

I didn't cry in meetings.

I didn't wear short skirts.

I put up with the weird

upper management guys

that kiss you on the mouth

at Christmas.

Is it fair that to be the

youngest VP in my company,

I will be the oldest mom

at preschool?

Not really,

but that's part of the deal.

I made a choice.

Some women got pregnant.

I got promotions.

And I still aspire

to meet someone

and fall in love

and get married,

but that is

a very high-risk scenario.

And I want a baby now.

I'm 37.

It's too much for a first

date, isn't it? I said too much.

I'm just gonna

go use the...

I'm gonna need

this to go.

Good morning. Thank you

for being here so early.

Hi. How are you?

Let's get started.

That one.

Well...

I just don't like

your uterus.

Don't get me wrong.

Your eggs are in great shape,

but you have a T-shaped uterus.

That combined with your

advanced maternal age,

it's preventing

proper implantation.

Why do I have

this T-shaped uterus?

Well, probably has something

to do with medication

that was given to your mother

when she was pregnant with you.

We used lot of drugs

back in the '70s

which we now know

can cause infertility.

Infertility?

Yeah. I would say that your

chances of conceiving are very low.

How low?

Well, I don't want to

assign a number to it.

What would you assign it?

A color, a nickname, a locker?

Okay.

One in a million.

I just don't like...

Don't say that again.

Come to think of it,

I did take something for liver

spots when I was pregnant with you,

but I really don't see how that could

cause any problems for your uterus.

It was just a different time. They

didn't warn people about side effects.

They warned me.

I think I might even

have signed something.

What?

Kate, I was 30 years old. I was

starting to get liver spots. Liver spots!

I just hope you put

this baby mania to rest.

It's not mania.

How many times

have you tried now?

- Three?

- Nine.

The last two

were in vitro.

Have you considered adoption?

I have applied

for an adoption, yes.

Kate, please don't get

a black baby.

Well, I don't think we'll

have to worry about that,

because for a single woman,

it can take about five

years to get an adoption.

I've just had it with all

these movie stars showing off.

"Look at me

and my black baby. "

Kill me. I want you to

stab me with something.

You know, Kate,

not everyone is as tolerant

of your alternative lifestyle

as we are.

Being single is not

an alternative lifestyle.

It is when you're 37.

Oh, out like a light.

Have you thought

about using a surrogate?

I saw a thing

about it on Dateline.

No, it's weird.

It's for weirdoes.

I'm just gonna

keep trying by myself.

Kate, building a family is not

like opening one of your stores.

It's not an executive decision.

It's real life. It's messy.

These hormone injections make me want

to punch you in the face right now.

No hitting.

- That's right.

- You're right.

- There you go.

- Come on.

Well, how much longer are you

gonna put your body through this?

Look, I know for years

I said I didn't want one,

but I just

woke up one day,

and I felt like every baby on

the street was staring at me.

Katie's coming out

of the mommy closet.

Hey, Tyler.

Tyler, what is this

all over you?

Is that chocolate

or poop?

Is that chocolate or poop?

It's chocolate.

What if that

had been poop?

I told you,

messy, but great.

Not bad.

Everybody do a shot

of this pea soup.

Let's go with this.

Call it "Health Monster. "

That's great.

It's what I do.

You know,

I was swimming this morning

with the dolphins in Costa Rica,

and I realized something.

I am a great man.

And great men do great things.

I want to open a flagship store

right here in Philadelphia.

I want it to be the

biggest store we ever built,

I want it to be made

of 100% recyclable materials,

and I want it to be so beautiful

that people want to get married in it.

Kate, join me up here.

I'm wearing a dress, Barry.

Won't you?

Sure.

Okay.

Kate, I want you to spearhead

this as our new vice president.

This is me transferring

my success to you.

Thank you, Barry.

Hold on.

Thanks.

- Congratulations.

- Yeah.

- Thank you.

- Congratulations, Kate.

Hello.

I'm Chaffee Bicknell.

There's just one of you.

I thought Chaffee and Bicknell

were two different people.

- Come in.

- Certainly.

I started this business

because I saw a growth market.

We don't do

our own taxes anymore.

We don't program

our computers.

We outsource.

And what is surrogacy

if not outsourcing?

Wait. You're not saying

my baby would be carried

by some poor, underpaid

woman in the third world.

No.

We're also expensive.

Our fee is $100,000.

It costs more to have someone

born than to have someone killed.

It takes longer.

All of our surrogates undergo

extensive background checks.

Criminal records, credit

reports, medical histories

and psychological testing.

But why do these women do it?

Is it just for the money?

You do your job for the money, but I

bet you love it and you're good at it.

Let me ask you a question.

Do you plan on hiring a nanny?

Of course.

I have to go back to work.

How is this any different?

A nanny is someone you trust to take

care of your baby after it's born.

A surrogate mother is someone you trust

to take care of your baby before it's born.

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