Ass Backwards

Mmm.

Oh, breathe that in.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Mornings in New York.

Got to tell you.

It's another gorgeous day.

Oh, I never get sick of

Mother Nature.

It's just so lush here.

I never understand why people

say it's so hard to live in

Manhattan.

I know!

Oh, spoke too soon.

Let's go over.

Hello, sir.

It's a pleasure to meet your

acquaintance.

I'm Kate.

And I'm Chloe.

Kate me, Chloe her.

Kate and Chloe.

Okay?

We've got some things for

you.

Yeah, buy one more and get a

medium frozen yogurt on me.

And this is a 12-hour energy

shot.

It just lets you keep your

sparkle.

Yeah.

All right?

Oh, well, thank you!

Honestly. It's who we are.

Thank you.

[ Effeminately ] Why don't

you go just put a fucking animal

inside yourself and call

yourself a f*ck party, 'cause

that's what the government's

doing to all of us.

Thank you. Have a great day.

Bye!

Thank you.

I got energy!

I got energy!

He's in a tough spot.

Homeless and battling sexual

identity?

That's a tricky combo.

And one I respect.

Absolutely.

Nice guy, too.

Oh, lovely.

Bitches!

I don't want to waste

anyone's time today.

There are a lot of people who

work in my industry who are

gonna make you promises that

they really can't keep.

But I feel I should tell you

that I've got a lot of other

couples who are banging down my

door, trying to do business with

these ovaries.

In fact, my eggs are some of the

finest that you will find in

Manhattan.

And right now... today... they

are ripe for the picking.

Ma'am, you cannot conduct

your meetings here any longer.

You can't sit here all day

without ordering a coffee.

This is my good friend,

Seth.

Listen.

I didn't hear a "no" from you

guys, so I'm gonna go ahead and

take that as a maybe.

And remember... Kate Fenner,

C.E.O. Of Fenner enterprises,

egg donor to the stars!

That's craigslist for you.

[ Clears throat ]

Okay. You must knock.

I cannot do what I need to do

out there if things are crazy in

here.

We're at places.

Thank you, places.

This...

[ Whispering ]

[ Mid-tempo dance music plays ]

New York City!

Stop!

[ Horns honking ]

Morning, sparkle. Morning, special lady.

[ Water bed gurgles ]

Whoa! Whee! Whee!

Okay, time for our horoscopes.

Yeah, what's mine say?

Uh-oh. Chloe? Hmm?

Is that what I think it is?

It's from the pageant.

[ Water gurgles ]

"The town of Neptune invites you...

Anniversary beauty pageant"?

[ Both laugh ] Um... Um...

No, thanks. I'm all set.

I'm good here. I'm okay, thank you, sir.

Oh, my God, when we tell Laurel

about this tonight, she's gonna die!

She's gonna be dead.

[ Sighs ] Thanks, but no spanks.

We're not going.

Yeah, we're not going, and

that's the end of the discussion.

So, the 50th anniversary... they're

just inviting everybody back to compete.

Wow. This is...

Really something.

I can't remember the last time I

thought of our pageant days. Oh.

Pssh! I haven't

thought about that in ages.

Little Kate, when you grow up, do you want

to be a mommy who enters the workforce or a

mommy who stays home? Um... Well,

can you maybe repeat the question?

When you're a mommy, do you want to enter

the workforce, or do you want to stay home?

Workplaces are where people work.

Are you a moron, kid?

[ Audience laughs ]

Such fun times. Here she is, singing

the song Tammy Wynette made famous.

Take it away, little Chloe! [ Audience

applauds ] [ Microphone feedback buzzes ]

[ Loudly and off-key ] ? stand

by your man ? give him two arms

to cling to ? Jesus, kid, you're

blowing everybody's eardrums out.

Back off the Mike!

[ Loudly and off-key ] ? stand by

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