
Ass Backwards
Mmm.
Oh, breathe that in.
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
Mornings in New York.
Got to tell you.
Oh, I never get sick of
Mother Nature.
It's just so lush here.
I never understand why people
say it's so hard to live in
Manhattan.
I know!
Oh, spoke too soon.
Let's go over.
Hello, sir.
It's a pleasure to meet your
acquaintance.
I'm Kate.
And I'm Chloe.
Kate me, Chloe her.
Kate and Chloe.
Okay?
We've got some things for
you.
Yeah, buy one more and get a
And this is a 12-hour energy
shot.
It just lets you keep your
sparkle.
Yeah.
All right?
Oh, well, thank you!
Honestly. It's who we are.
Thank you.
[ Effeminately ] Why don't
you go just put a fucking animal
inside yourself and call
yourself a f*ck party, 'cause
that's what the government's
doing to all of us.
Thank you. Have a great day.
Bye!
Thank you.
I got energy!
I got energy!
He's in a tough spot.
Homeless and battling sexual
identity?
That's a tricky combo.
And one I respect.
Absolutely.
Nice guy, too.
Oh, lovely.
Bitches!
I don't want to waste
anyone's time today.
There are a lot of people who
work in my industry who are
gonna make you promises that
they really can't keep.
But I feel I should tell you
that I've got a lot of other
couples who are banging down my
door, trying to do business with
these ovaries.
In fact, my eggs are some of the
finest that you will find in
Manhattan.
And right now... today... they
are ripe for the picking.
Ma'am, you cannot conduct
your meetings here any longer.
You can't sit here all day
without ordering a coffee.
This is my good friend,
Seth.
Listen.
I didn't hear a "no" from you
guys, so I'm gonna go ahead and
take that as a maybe.
And remember... Kate Fenner,
C.E.O. Of Fenner enterprises,
egg donor to the stars!
That's craigslist for you.
Okay. You must knock.
I cannot do what I need to do
out there if things are crazy in
here.
We're at places.
Thank you, places.
This...
[ Whispering ]
[ Mid-tempo dance music plays ]
New York City!
Stop!
Morning, sparkle. Morning, special lady.
Whoa! Whee! Whee!
Okay, time for our horoscopes.
Yeah, what's mine say?
Uh-oh. Chloe? Hmm?
Is that what I think it is?
It's from the pageant.
"The town of Neptune invites you...
Anniversary beauty pageant"?
[ Both laugh ] Um... Um...
No, thanks. I'm all set.
I'm good here. I'm okay, thank you, sir.
Oh, my God, when we tell Laurel
about this tonight, she's gonna die!
She's gonna be dead.
[ Sighs ] Thanks, but no spanks.
We're not going.
Yeah, we're not going, and
that's the end of the discussion.
So, the 50th anniversary... they're
just inviting everybody back to compete.
Wow. This is...
Really something.
I can't remember the last time I
thought of our pageant days. Oh.
Pssh! I haven't
thought about that in ages.
Little Kate, when you grow up, do you want
to be a mommy who enters the workforce or a
mommy who stays home? Um... Well,
can you maybe repeat the question?
When you're a mommy, do you want to enter
the workforce, or do you want to stay home?
Workplaces are where people work.
Are you a moron, kid?
Such fun times. Here she is, singing
the song Tammy Wynette made famous.
Take it away, little Chloe! [ Audience
applauds ] [ Microphone feedback buzzes ]
[ Loudly and off-key ] ? stand
by your man ? give him two arms
to cling to ? Jesus, kid, you're
blowing everybody's eardrums out.
Back off the Mike!
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Citation
Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:
"Ass Backwards" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 25 Feb. 2021. <https://www.scripts.com/script/ass_backwards_3175>.