Another WolfCop

---

1

[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS]

[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS]

You're a loser.

It's just a fact.

But what if I told you

that I could help you

change all of that.

I'm a winner,

but then you probably

already know that.

I'm also a connoisseur

and a curator

of the best life has to offer.

Everything that you'll never

get to experience

until now.

Leveraging my excellent palate

and Darkstar technology,

we have strategically created

Chicken Milk Beer,

so that everyone can have

a little taste of my success.

So go on, slam a...

[MIC FEEDBACK]

F***ing f***!

- Cut! Reset!

- [BUZZER SOUNDS]

Our existence

hinges on the next 48 hours.

One more thing.

Let's kill

the f***ing sound, hmm?

Now, where are we

with the prototype?

See for yourself.

[BUZZING, WHIRRING]

[CHUCKLES]

I like it.

It's sort of cute.

So we're on track

for the test?

ILSA:

Broadcast window secured.

[BANG]

[MUFFLED BREATHS]

So, where in the good goddamn

is my alpha subject?

[SIRENS]

[MEN GRUNT]

If we don't make this delivery

in five minutes,

we are dead!

Dead! You hear me!

[SIRENS WAILING]

[GUNSHOTS]

F***ing hell!

[TIRES SCREECH]

Come on! Hold it down!

[GUNSHOTS]

[SCREAMS]

Hold it down!

MAN:
Merry Christmas!

[GUNSHOTS]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[GUNSHOTS]

I'm gonna blow you up!

[SIRENS WAIL]

Whoo-hoo!

Nice!

[HORN HONKING]

MAN:
Whoo!

[THUMPS]

[THUMPING]

What's all the noise, boys?

What was that?

- Check it out.

- [THUMPS]

[EXHALING SHARPLY]

[SCREAMS]

So, Chief, think we'll see

any action tonight?

Oh, Scott.

I was an eager rookie once too.

You need to learn in this job,

it's not about

looking for action.

It's about preventing it.

You should be writing that down.

Oh, uh, I was keeping

my notebook in my holster

but then I need that

for my gun.

Well, I lost it.

so you know how that goes.

Okay.

It's, uh... it's fine.

[BANGING ON ROOF]

MAN:
Boys?

You gotta give me an update,

boys!

[ALL SCREAMING]

[SCREAMS]

Are you grasping my lessons?

I think I'm getting

a grip of it.

[GROWLING]

What the f*** is happening?

[WEREWOLF GROWLING]

Because you need to keep

your eye on the prize.

[WEREWOLF SNARLING]

No!

Got it, Chief!

Eye, prize,

Um, and everything else

that you say, Chief.

[GROWLING]

[CLICKING]

Wipers aren't working.

[GROWLING]

I just got this car

to safety, too.

Awesome.

Looks like I brought a knife

to a wolf fight.

[GROWLS]

[SCREAMING]

The only way

to get a leg up in this job

is to be vigilant.

Cool, like the Wolfcop?

That thing is not the law.

It is a perverse myth.

You have a better chance

of seeing Santa Claus.

[GUNSHOT]

Aah! Aah!

[MAN SCREAMING]

[GUNSHOTS]

[SCREAMING]

Don't even!

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[SIREN WAILS, ENGINE REVS]

No! No!

My f***ing Wolfcop!

Suspect heading towards station,

prepare intercept.

[SIREN WAILS]

You dead back there?

Oh, sh*t!

[SIREN WAILS]

Hands where I can see em'!

[GUN C*CKS]

Go.

[DOOR OPENS]

- Rookie, we clear?

- Check em' out, Chief.

Perps' already bagged.

Dammit, Daisy,

that is evidence.

[CHUCKLES]

TINA:
Oh, God.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

[GUNSHOT]

[WEREWOLF HOWLS]

There's an animal,

something big!

I swear I put a round in it.

It's probably just a raccoon,

fat off town trash.

Well, okay, Columbo.

Can the detective work.

Grab the tape,

set up a 100-meter perimeter

before the lookie-loo's

start showing up.

Yeah, Okay.

Sorry, Chief, yeah.

SCOTT:
Oh, f***'s sake!

Some one stole our doughnuts.

You're in charge

until I get back.

[HEAVY METAL PLAYING]

[HEAVY METAL PLAYING]

[HEAVY METAL PLAYING]

[HEAVY METAL PLAYING]

Crimes and crew cuts

Pigs and Donuts

I can put up with a lot,

but stealing donuts,

that's a new low.

MAN:
These two teams

do not like each other.

TINA:

You can't keep doing this Lou.

You promised me

you would stay locked up.

Do you have any idea

the sh*t storm

you caused last night?

The new recruits?

Suspicious.

And do you know

what they're calling you?

F***ing Wolfcop.

Where's your car?

[IMITATES AN EXPLOSION]

TINA:
Your pants?

Rookie's a good shot.

I'll give her that.

[LAUGHING]

[GROWLING]

[SNARLING]

What if a bystander got hit,

hmm?

What the hell

were you thinking?

LOU:
[LIGHT GROWL]

Shifters.

Okay.

Until we know

who we can trust,

this becomes

our new home base.

I will see you bright

and early on duty

with donuts.

And put on

some f***ing pants.

You'll poke an eye out

with that thing.

Oh come all ye faithful

Joyful and triumphant

Oh, come ye

DJ DAN:
Brr! It's cold

out there in Woodhaven.

It's cold like a...

- My wife's heart.

- [LAUGHING]

DJ BOB:
She doesn't

[HORN HONKS] me anymore

- What?

- Never mind.

DJ DAN:
Uh, okay.

This is BAD Radio,

- I'm Dan and he's...

- Bob!

DJ DAN:
Well, it must be

a Christmas miracle,

because filthy rich billionaire

Sydney Swallows

is reopening the old brewery.

DJ BOB:

A welcome change to Woodhaviens

not just consuming

mass quantities of booze,

but now making it.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Rumor has it

Interim-Mayor Bubba Rich

made a pretty penny

off that deal.

DJ DAN:
Hey, and if that's

not enough to be thankful for,

"Santa Swallows"

is also retrofitting the brewery

into a sleek

new hockey arena...

DJ BOB:
What's in a name.

Where the Woodhaven Darkstars

will play their first home game

this Christmas Eve.

The game is free,

so get there early!

DJ DAN:
Oh, and always,

this BAD radio update

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