Angst Page #3

That I'd die of fear.

The only thing that helped me

were those sounds.

What luck I had.

What luck I had.

This house was perfect for me.

My plan would work.

Mommy.

Daddy is here.

Don't be stupid, he's long been dead.

As a child, I always had to fear for my life.

First my mother threw out my father.

Then she lived with another man.

My stepfather.

And she tried to kill me.

She wrapped me in wet diapers...

and put me in front of the open window.

So I should get cold at the window

and freeze to death.

Sylvia!

Sylvia...

Sylvia...

I was never safe with my mother.

She hated boys.

For my mother, I was only a reason

to get a girl.

She didn't want a boy like me.

She developed a real infatuation

for my sister.

I didn't exist for her.

My sister could do

whatever she wanted.

My mother always just laughed.

But one time, I caught my sister alone.

I really gave it to her then.

I wanted to hit her until she was dead.

In her eyes, I saw that she was afraid of me.

That excited me enormously.

Because my mother didn't want me,

I grew up at my grandmother's.

But she always just said that she

was ashamed of me.

That I was a shame for the whole family.

Because I was an illegitimate child.

She was incredibly religious...

and to purge the guilt,

she sent me to a convent.

I didn't want to.

But I had to become a priest.

We students lived in that convent...

and the nuns and priests had a farm there.

There were all kinds of animals there.

One afternoon, I secretly snuck into the barn...

and used a knife until the blood gushed.

It was a pig.

It was afraid of me and squeaked so loudly

that the nuns came and caught me.

After this incident I had to leave

the convent.

For my grandmother, a world collapsed.

She was so religious.

Now I was no longer allowed

to become a priest.

After the incident at the convent,

my mother said...

that my family had to be afraid of me.

For her, I now was a monster.

She punished me by not letting

me go back to my grandmother.

That was because my stepfather decided

to take over my upbringing.

But he hated me.

He was always good to my sister.

But he couldn't stand me.

She was never treated badly.

One time, he hit me so hard,

that I had to crawl on the floor.

My mother and my sister just stood there

and laughed at me.

I wanted to take revenge on my stepfather.

I wanted to kill him, out of rage.

Daddy.

But I was too weak.

Sol had to run away from home.

I slept in the park.

There I observed a swan.

First I strangled it.

Then I cut off its head.

It was expelled from the flock and

didn't go back with them in the water.

It lived all by itself in a corner of the park.

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