Angry Angel Page #2

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my credit card bills.

Ugh.

This music is total garbage.

[pop-rock music playing]

- Oh, my God,

what are you doing?

I like that song.

What are you,

Scrooge in skinny jeans?

- [scoffs] They're just

all so stupid.

And the worst one is

"12 Days of Christmas."

- Well, I guess I'm

an idiot then,

because my grandma and I would

sing it together every December

up until she died,

and it's really the only thing

that I have left of her.

- Okay, can we just start over?

- Oh, sure.

How about you take

that coffee pot, go over

to your favorite regulars,

give them a little

coffee-coffee?

- I don't wanna be

on my own tonight

- Hey.

How are you guys doing?

- I like your shirt.

- I never got attention

like this in my old body.

[orchestral

easy listening music]

Excuse me.

Where am I?

- Hi, Megan.

- Yeah, that's me.

Where the hell am I?

Am I...

- [mouthing word]

both:
Dead.

- Yes, dead.

You're very dead.

Sorry.

Bummer.

Now, if you will follow me,

we have got

a lot of work to do.

[chuckles, clicks tongue]

Gloria.

- I recognize you, right?

Did you go to school

with my uncle Don?

- No.

No, I'm, uh...

I'm Jason Biggs.

[chuckles]

I did that big teen movie

in the late '90s.

- It's not ringing any bells.

- Really?

Okay, well, I did many

other movies.

Also some TV shows...

uh, Broadway--

a couple of times.

Also off-Broadway.

Off-off-Broadway once, but...

some modeling

when I was a kid.

Nothing? Huh.

I usually bat 1,000

with dead Americans 18 to 49.

- And you died when I died?

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I died many years ago

at the ripe old age

of 96 in Ukraine.

Yeah, I didn't start acting

until I came back

to Earth as an angel.

- You're an angel?

- Yeah.

Most celebrities are

actually angels in disguise.

Yeah, it, uh--

you know, it helps--

thanks, Brenda.

It helps with access

and, you know, gets us

into places mortals cannot.

Sign there and there.

Yep.

Drake is an angel.

- Mm.

Sandy--Bullock.

You know her?

She's an angel.

She's a good one.

RuPaul.

- Ooh, is that a trial?

- Yep.

That's angel court.

- Like "Judge Judy"?

'Cause, you know,

I always imagined God

like an all-knowing Judge Judy.

- It is nothing like

"Judge Judy."

No, angel court is more

like "Judge Joe Brown."

Mm-hmm.

Okeydokey,

who's ready to get

their new body?

[chuckles]

That's a rhetorical question.

The answer is you.

So after we die,

our souls change bodies.

I got this one--lucky me--

and you're about

to get a new one of your own.

Just enter that changing room,

close the curtain,

and press three random buttons.

Now, I know you must have

a lot of questions

about how it all works...

- I have a million questions.

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