And Now for Something Completely Different
- PG
- Year:
- 1971
- 88 min
- 1,289 Views
In this picture
there are 47 people.
None of them can be seen.
In this film,
we hope to show you...
how not to be seen.
This is Mr. E. R. Bradshaw
of Napier Court...
Blackline Road, London, SE 14.
He cannot be seen.
Now I'm going to ask him
to stand up.
Mr. Bradshaw,
will you stand up, please?
This demonstrates
In this picture, we cannot see
Mrs. B. J. Smegma...
of 13 The Crescent, Belmont.
Mrs. Smegma,
will you stand up, please?
This is Mr. Nesbitt
of Harlow. Newtown.
Mr. Nesbitt,
will you stand up, please?
Mr. Nesbitt has learned
the first lesson of not being seen:
not to stand up.
However, he has chosen
a very obvious piece of cover.
Mr. E. W. Lambert of Homely,
The Burrows. Oswald Street...
has presented us with a poser.
We do not know
which bush he is behind.
But we can soon find out.
Yes. It was the middle one.
Mr. and Mrs. Watson of Hull...
chose a very cunning way
of not being seen.
When we called at their house, we found
they had gone on two weeks holiday.
However, a neighbor told us
where they were.
And here is the neighbor
who told us where they were.
And here is where he lived.
And this is
where he was born.
And now for something
completely different.
Oh. Good evening.
Ladies and gentlemen...
we apologize that the feature was
not quite as long as we'd anticipated.
Therefore,
there will be a short interval.
In the meantime, we are pleased
to be able to show you a short film...
starring a man
with a tape recorder up his nose.
And now... And now
a film starring a man...
with a tape recorder
up his brother's nose.
And now in stereo
Thank you.
That is the end of the interval.
Will you kindly return
to your seats?
We will now be proceeding
with the program as advertised.
Darling, you were wonderful.
Oh, really?
In 1971 the British Empire
lay in ruins.
Foreigners frequented the streets,
many of them Hungarians.
Not the streets.
The foreign nationals.
Anyway, many of these Hungarians went
into tobacconist's to buy cigarettes.
There you are, sir.
Thank you.
Good morning, sir.
"I will not buy this record.
It is scratched."
I'm sorry?
I will not buy this record.
It is scratched."
Oh, no, no, no.
This is a tobacconist's.
Tobacconist's.
"I will not buy this tobacconist's.
It is scratched."
No. Tobacco.
Um, cigarettes.
Cigarettes?
- "My hovercraft is full of eels."
- What?
"My hovercraft
is full of eels."
- Ah, matches.
- Yeah! Matches.
- "Do you want..."
- "Do you want."
Want.
"Do you want to come back to my place?
Bouncy, bouncy."
That'll be
six shillings, please.
"If I said you had a beautiful body,
would you hold it against me?"
"I am no longer infected."
May I?
Costs six shillings.
Help!
- What's all this. Then?
- "You have beautiful thighs."
- What?
- He hit me.
"Drop your panties, Sir Arthur.
I can not wait till lunchtime!"
- Right!
- "Oh, my nipples explode with delight!"
The Hungarian gentleman
was subsequently released...
but his information led to the arrest
and trial of the real culprit.
I am.
You are hereby charged
that on the 28th day of May...
you did will fully
and with malice aforethought...
publish an alleged
English-Hungarian phrase book...
with intent to cause
a breach of the peace.
- How do you plead?
- Not guilty.
Mr. York, on the 28th of May...
- you published this phrase book.
- I did.
With Your Lordship's permission,
I would like to quote an example.
The Hungarian phrase meaning, "Can you
direct me to the railway station?"...
is here translated
by the English phrase...
"Please fondle my buttocks."
"Please fondle...
my buttocks."
Ah, yes.
It's past the post office...
and then left at the light.
Left at lights.
Meanwhile, not far away...
Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Putey were
about to enter an unfamiliar office.
Next.
Oh. Are you the marriage
guidance counselor?
- Yes. Good morning.
- Morning.
And... good morning
to you, madam.
- Name?
- Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Putey.
And what is the name of your...
ravishing wife?
Wait. Don't tell me.
It's... It's something
to do with moonlight.
Goes with her eyes.
It's soft and gentle...
warm and yielding.
Deeply lyrical, and yet...
tender and frightened,
like a tiny, white rabbit.
It's Dierdre.
What a beautiful name.
What a beautiful...
beautiful name.
And what seems to be the trouble
with your marriage, Mr. Putey?
It started when we went
to Brighton on holiday together.
Dierdre - that's my wife - and I,
we've always been close companions...
and I never particularly
anticipated any marital strife.
The very idea of consulting
a professional marital advisor...
has always been of
the greatest repugnance to me.
Although, far be it from me
to impugn the nature of your trade or...
or profession.
- Do go on.
- We've always been close companions...
sharing the interests,
the gardening, the holiday money.
Twice a month of an evening, we settle
down to do the accounts together...
that's my wife -
and I particularly look forward to
on account of her feet.
I should have said at the start that
I noted for having a grand sense of humor.
Although I've kept myself very much
to myself over the last couple of years.
It's only been as comparatively recently
as recently that I've begun to realize--
Well, perhaps "realize"
is too strong a word.
Uh, imagine that, uh,
I was not the only thing in her life.
You suspected your wife?
Well...
frankly, yes.
A bit.
Her behavior did seem to me--
Her behavior did seem to me.
who was there to see...
to be a little odd.
- Odd?
- To an extent.
I'm not by nature
a suspicious person.
I've got a reputation of an after-dinner
speaker, if you get my meaning.
I certainly do.
And in the area where people know me,
I'm very well known.
- Fine. Would you--
- Certainly.
It was time to face the facts,
stop beating about the bush...
or I'd never be able to look myself
Would you mind running along for 10--
make it 20 minutes. All right?
Yes. I'll wait outside,
shall I?
Yes, that-that's perhaps
the best thing.
Certainly set my mind at rest
on one or two scores there.
Arthur Putey!
Are you a man or a mouse?
You've been running too long,
Arthur Putey.
It's time to stop, time to turn
and fight like a man.
Go back in there,
Arthur Putey.
Go back in there
and pull your finger out.
Yes! Yes, you're right.
This is it, Arthur Putey!
This is your moment,
Arthur Putey!
At last you're a man!
Come out of there. Dierdre!
I know you're in there.
- Go away!
- Righto.
Oh, what a lovely little
Oh, what a lovely little--
- Oh, what a lovely little--
- Stop it! Stop right there!
This is absolutely disgusting,
and I'm not going to stand for it!
There. Kill
Cut! That's it. We're not going to allow
this sort of smut on the screen.
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"And Now for Something Completely Different" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 10 Oct. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/and_now_for_something_completely_different_2824>.
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