American High School

Man imitating James Brown:

Ummmm-ah!

I say ummmm-ahh!

Good afternoon, Pussycats!

I say good afternoon, Pussycats!

I am here to introduce... Ha ha...

...my best friend

and your captain...

Jonny Awesome!

Thank you, Matt.

What the f*ck is up,

American High School?

Yes!

#Ain't this the last time #

#I can feel like you #

#Well, you go from

town to town #

#And everybody knows

who you are... #

Boy:

Yes! Whoo! Awesome.

#Mmm, how do you do? #

#How do you do? #

All right, guys. Ahem.

Unfortunately, we have to

put a pause to the fun for a moment...

...and bring up... You know her

as the boring and the bland...

...and the ordinary...

...and incredibly

unhook-up-able-with... Al...

- Er...

- Unhookupable?

Yeah, she's... Okay,

let's bring up Gwen Adams.

Get up here!

Man, is she ordinary?

Soaky Gwen.

I'm just kidding.

Get up here.

She's a good f*ck too, by the way.

Ha ha!

There you go.

Thank you.

I would...

- This must be really difficult for you.

- ...Like...

- Wow. You're definitely...

- Boy:
You suck!

...unpopular.

Boy:

He's a dick!

I mean, if this was MySpace,

Tom wouldn't even be your friend.

Boy #2:

Fucking whore and slut!

Oh yes, sir!

Ha ha ha ha!

Awesome. Whoo!

That's me,

and it's pretty safe to say...

...that I am incredibly unpopular.

But it's not my fault, though.

There are plenty of

contributing loser factors.

For starters, instead of having a cool

dad who lets my girlfriends sleep over...

...my dad just tries to sleep with them.

He used to be an actor.

He made a ton of money...

...on the hit '80s TV show,

"Coast Watch"

...and a lot of Japanese

action flicks.

It'd be nice to have a strong older

brother to look up to.

Maybe this'll kill me.

Too bad I don't.

Don't even ask where

my mom is.

Having the coolest boyfriend

in school is usually a bonus.

Yeah, not when you marry him.

We'll get to that later.

Girl singing:

#What we did right... #

My husband's an exhibitionist...

...and made it his mission to have

sex with me...

...at every landmark in school.

We've never been caught.

Lastly, this...

...is Hilary Weiss!

Hilary is a devil with a vagina.

Hey, Holden.

She wanted Holden

but he wanted me, so I married him.

I want you to take me

to dinner.

Gwen:
She's been trying to steal

my boyfriend since the third grade.

We hate each other,

but I got the man.

I'm running for prom queen...

...to beat out Hilary.

Not like I really care about

that kind of stuff obviously.

But I want to be the one

personally responsible...

...for bringing down Satan.

Ugh!

Oh, and I'm 10 days

late on my period.

Ahh, late for school.

Gotta go.

#Everyone is always

on the go... #

Boy:

Check this out...

Gwen:

Jonny and Matt.

I uploaded a video

of myself onto YouTube...

...shirtless and flexing.

Mad views already, bro.

- Mad views?

- Mad views.

- Nice.

- We're awesome.

So awesome!

Gwen:
They hold the world record

in awesomeness...

...whatever that means.

- Awesome. You got a lighter?

- No.

Gwen:
Oh, here comes Dixie,

Hilary and Trixie.

Together they've slept

with the entire school...

...twice.

You're a chauvinist pig!

Hey, Holden.

How about you and I

have a little dance party...

Gwen:
God, she's such

an idiot!

If there was an award

for fewest brain cells...

...she'd be undefeated.

Oh!

- Cat fight!

- Awesome.

"Ooh, I'm gonna save the day.

I'm gonna pull her away. "

- Bye, Holden.

- Bye, little scaredy cat.

Walk away, walk away.

What the f*ck is

wrong with those two?

Who the f*ck gets married

in high school?

It's all right.

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