Alistair McHarg Requests the Pleasure of Your Company

Genre: Music
30 min

I love love

I love being in love

I don't care

what it does to me

Sing I love love

I love being in love

I don't care

what it does to me

I love love

I love being in love

I don't care

what it does to me

These pills are fine

to pass the time 'til I find my new drug

We'll take our chances

we'll last a month

We'll never speak again

How I love being in love

May I help you?

Huh? No.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

I'm just browsing.

- Thank you.

- So let me guess.

Big night tonight?

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

Yeah, actually. Actually, the biggest.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Menage a trois?

- Pardon me?

I'm kidding.

Oh, a menage a trois.

French for, "Who's that dude?"

So you're looking

for something for your girl?

Well, not just any girl, okay?

The most...

The most beautiful and incredible

and amazing and...

Well, girl I've ever met.

Okay. Well, if you have any questions,

my name is Claire.

Okay. Actually, yeah.

Does this come in red?

- I can check.

- Also, Claire, does it come any larger?

Much, much larger.

Oh, no.

Hey. Is she in there?

- Yeah, she's in there.

- Good.

How do I look?

I see your balls.

Are you crazy?

Come here. Come here. Up here, up.

- What's the matter with you?

- What?

This? This is the big idea?

Yeah. Yeah. She's gonna love it.

- She's gonna hate it.

- She's gonna love it.

- No, she's gonna hate it.

- Love it.

No, she's gonna hate it more than I hate it,

and I really hate it.

You know what your problem is, Ted?

You just...

You don't understand true love.

Oh, and you do?

I understand that there's a girl

that I love waiting for me in there.

And you know what? She loves me, too.

I still see balls.

Can I get you a drink

while you wait for your friend?

Hopefully, in a man's life,

you do this one time.

Well, I want my one time

to be unforgettable.

I want tonight to be a story Vanessa

and me will be telling our grandkids.

You almost done with that baby oil?

Yeah. That's it.

Get it in there. Soak those abs.

- I'm gonna kill you.

- Thanks, buddy.

- What's up, ladies?

- Oh, goodness.

There you go, beautiful.

I brought you some c-rations on the house.

Some what?

Oh, sorry. That's Special Forces talk.

Are you in the Special Forces?

That's not something

I'm at liberty to discuss.

Anderson, I sell cars.

My job is to close a deal.

- Trust me. This is not gonna close a deal.

- Give me the ring, Ted.

No. I can't let you do this.

- Give me the ring!

- No.

- Give me the ring, now!

- No.

Give me the ring!

Just give me the ring! I just want the ring!

I've got to propose!

Okay. Hey, watch the wings!

Watch the wings!

I'm not gonna lie to you, Vanessa.

Special Ops,

it's a deadly game.

But as a very brave person once remarked,

"Life is either daring or it's nothing."

Do you know who that brave person was?

My personal hero, Helen Keller.

Helen Keller.

Excuse me, Vanessa.

I think table 16 needs more garlic knots.

Ladies and gentlemen,

may I have your attention, please?

I am Cupid, god of love.

Dear God!

Shooter! Shooter! We got a shooter!

Down! Everybody, down!

Down! Down!


You know this perp?

He's my boyfriend.

I didn't know you had a boyfriend.

Anderson, get up! Get up!

You could have gotten yourself killed!

Vanessa, I...

I wrote you a poem.

"I am Cupid, god of love

"I come from skies far above

"Bringing love to all I see

"Now I have found some love for me"


"And so I get on bended knee

"To ask, Vanessa, will you marry me?"


Oh, my God. She's...


I stopped to think about

the bad times that I've had

It puts a smile on my face

Curled up with nothing to do

Why is the sun always out

when I'm feeling blue?

It must be you

Oh, it must be you

It must be you

Oh, it must be you

When I took

my first drink of alcohol

I saw the Angel of Death

floating over us all

With a smile on my face

I just wept

How does a grown man laugh

in the face of death?

It must be you

Oh, it must be you

Hey, you hungry?

Did I ever tell you what she smelled like?

- What?

- Dew drops.

- She was perfect.

- Nobody's perfect.

- She was perfect.

- Nobody's perfect.

Okay. Like, you know how most people

have wrinkly knees?

Okay? Hers were perfectly smooth,

like billiard balls.

- You know what I used to call her?

- What?

- Billiard ball knees.

- You know what might be fun?

Not talking about your dead girlfriend.


I still see her sometimes.

- Here?

- Just forget it.

You know, I'd like to, Anderson,

I really would,

but you won't shut up about it.

She's been dead twice as long

as you knew her. Get over it.

- I'm sorry, "Get over it"?

- Yeah.

How do you get over perfection?

How do you get over perfection?

You look around.

Maybe there's

another perfect somebody out there.

Here we go.

- Don't talk to him like that.

- Eat that goddamn spaghetti.

This is just what the therapist

was talking about.

We're wasting enough money

on that therapist.

I don't believe you.

Who wanted to come here? Not me.

I am so sorry. What did you just do?

What did you do?

Satisfied? I looked around.

I'm just saying,

don't throw your whole life away

'cause you killed your girlfriend.

- Fiancee.

- Technically, she never said yes.

Anyway, I don't know

if you're gonna find anyone else

whose butt smells

like gumdrops or whatever,

but I know you won't unless you try.

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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