Alex Strangelove Page #3

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but Claire and I talked

and we're planning

a little date next week.

A consummation, if you will.

"Consummation"? Are you my grandma?

- I need your help.

- It's called "bumping uglies," Alex.

Your sister's help.

Or "vaginal humping"

if you want to get technical.

- Dell!

- What?

I need Hillary to book me a hotel room.

You predator.

You have to be over 18 to book a room.

- So get Josh to do it. He's 18.

- What?

No, no. I want to keep this

under the radar.

Is she still in town?

Oh, she's in town

for the foreseeable future.

Fun fact, she got kicked out

of Northside Community College,

- if you can believe that.

- Okay, will you talk to her, please?

Since it's for a good cause. Yeah! Yeah!

- Yeah! Yeah!

- Oh!

Yeah, congratulations, Truelove.

You will be a man soon.

Well, that makes one of you.

Okay, sidebar. Sophie Hicks.

Ooh, baby

Do you know what that's worth?

Ooh, heaven is a place on earth

They say in heaven love comes first

We'll make heaven a place on earth

Dell has had a mad crush

on Sophie Hicks since elementary school.

In the sixth grade,

he thought it'd be a brilliant move

to take some 11-year old beefcake selfies

and send them to her for Valentine's Day.

Of course, Sophie couldn't keep

a treasure like that to herself,

and it wasn't long

before the entire sixth grade

was enjoying Dell's photo shoot.

Thus branding him "Delgado Beanpolio"

for the rest of his life.

But he didn't care.

Dell has always been an optimist.

Sophie Hicks.

You know you love me.

Yeah, let me sleep on that one.

Are you inviting me to sleep with you?

Sophie, that's so forward.

In another dimension, Delgado.

Another dimension.

A man can dream.

So, I'm thinking

we go full Great Gatsby for prom.

Some hardcore Jay and Daisy action.

What do you think?

Hello?

Condoms.

What?

I don't have any condoms,

so we should stop off at the Rite Aid

before we do the whole hotel thing.

Oh, God, Alex,

please do not freak out about this.

I'm not freaking out.

Yes, you are. I know you.

You will stress out and get all uptight

and scrunch up your face,

just like you are doing right now.

You shouldn't worry so much.

It's not sexy.

Excuse me? I'm plenty sexy.

Wow, what a... what a crazy party.

You're awesome.

Yes.

Has anyone ever told you

that you have beautiful breasts?

So perky and well-proportioned.

You should take off your bra.

Oh, you want me to take off your bra?

Okay.

Oh, nice.

Boobies.

Mmm.

Does that feel good?

Do you like that?

I want to throw caution to the wind

and make sweet love to you.

Long and sensuous.

I want to slide my hard cock

into your wet p*ssy.

- Alex?

- What? What?

Claire's here.

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