Agatha Raisin and the Quiche of Death


One summer, my dad had a win

on the horses.

It was his usual stupid odds,

but this horse came in at 45-1.

Do we have to keep going over this?!

You know we do.

And he said to my mum, "I'm taking

you and Aggie on holiday. "

And you went to the Cotswolds.

Yes, we did.

He borrowed a tent

and took us camping.

What do you remember of the holiday?

It was magical,

just being in the country.

And at night, we'd sit around

the campfire and I'd tell him

which of the beautiful cottages

I was going to live in one day.

And now that day is almost here.

Yeah. Yet you are still anxious.

No. Are you lonely?

No, I'm talking to you.

Well, we've established, Agatha,

that you comfort-eat

when you're either lonely

or anxious.

This is my breakfast!

It's 350 calories,

and this bacon's so tough,

I reckon it takes me 400 to chew it,

so I'm actually losing weight

while I'm eating.

You're not anxious about this

being your last day of work? No.

You've always defined yourself

through work, Agatha.

We've talked about it being a shield

for your inferiority and

rootlessness, deep inadequacy and...

I've got another call coming.

We're in session -

don't turn me off!

Aggie, please, we need you.

The boys are launching

their new album this morning

and a photographer caught Danny

in a hotel room last night

with his wife's best friend.

Roy, I'm leaving in two days!

You are handling this.

Aggie, please, please...

I can't stand the woman.

She's so rude.

That's why she doesn't have

any genuine friends...

We want Danny!

We want Danny!

Thank God. It's a nightmare!

Where are the boys?

In the Marlborough Room.

Has Danny's wife had the baby yet?

She's in the hospital now.

Who's got the story?

The Sun's got the pictures.

Are they deniable?

Oh, no, they're not.

What are you doing?

Freshening him up.

No, no, no! We're taking Danny

out of the album launch. What?!

We'll get him photographed

looking sorry and dishevelled,

while I brief the media that it's

the pressures of being a new father

that are the cause

of this little indiscretion.

And that he's going to

the hospital now

to plead forgiveness from his wife.

She's going to kill me.

And you deserve it, you little twit.

Ow! Right.

Just get out there,

start looking sad and sorry.

We need your fans to still love you,

and it's impossible to feel bad

about someone

who looks like they're suffering.

Best publicity this album launch

could have hoped for. OK.

Danny Shine of Boyhood walked out

of his album launch today,

promising to grow up.

The pressures of fame have been

overwhelming in recent weeks.

Many of his young fans

were heartbroken

at seeing such a crestfallen figure

hurrying to the hospital

to be with his wife

as she expects their first child.

You...? Yeah. Oh, and the...? Yeah.

In entertainment news, Boyhood's

new album, We Can Be Corrupted,

looks set to become the

fastest-selling album of the year.

A double success for Danny Shine,

who became a father for the

first time this morning.

How are you feeling, Danny?

I couldn't be happier.

# They leave little traces

inside of me

# I climbed over mountains

# And found my way back home

# So many lessons that I have learned

# They leave an impression

# A time to return

To walk the wilderness

# And find my way back home

# I was stuck on a losing streak

But you helped me

to find my feet...

I still don't understand

why you're leaving us, Aggie.

Because that's always

been the plan.

Earn enough money and get out of this

rat race before I'm too old.


But what are you going to

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M.C. Beaton


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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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