EXT. STREET - DAY

A UPS Man with a big pot belly is walking down the street, whistling

and carelessly tossing a

package in the air. We hear the sound of broken glass in the box. He

passes a professional woman.

UPS MAN:

Good morning, UPS!

He tosses the box behind his back like a basketball, then acknowledges

another passerby.

UPS MAN:

UPS, good to see you!

He takes a couple of steps, then flings the package incredibly high

into the air, spins completely

around and expertly drops to one knee and catches the box. A Hispanic

man passes.

UPS MAN:

Buenos dias. Uo Pay eSsay.

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

The UPS Man dodges a couple of black kids as though playing

basketball. He runs up the front

steps of the building. He reaches out to open the front door and

inadvertently flings the package

behind him and back down the steps.

He goes back, retrieves the package, then enters the building.

INT. LOBBY - DAY

Several people stand in the elevator. The UPS Man just makes it, but

the door closes on the

package... REPEATEDLY. He feigns embarrassment.

INT. 3RD FLOOR - DAY

ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN. The UPS Man throws the package out onto the floor

and starts

kicking it down the hall like a soccer player. With one last big kick

the parcel lands in front of

APARTMENT 3B. He picks it up and knocks on the door.

We hear a small dog barking.

GRUFF MAN (O.S.)

Shut the hell up, you stupid mutt!

An angry, burly man pokes his nose hairs out the chained door.

GRUFF MAN:

What do you want?

UPS MAN:

UPS, sir. And how are you this

afternoon? Alrighty then!

The man grumpily unchains the door. He's a big guy - 6'5", 250, and 50

of that is chest hair. A

small Shiatsu stands beside him.

UPS MAN:

I have a package for you.

The UPS guy thrusts the package toward the man. We can clearly hear

broken glass inside. The

man takes the package.

GRUFF MAN:

It sounds broken.

UPS MAN:

Most likely sir! I bet it was

something nice though! Now... I

haver an insurance form. If you'll

just sign here, here, and here,

and initial here, and print your name

here, we'll get the rest of the

forms out to you as soon as we

can.

The man begrudgingly begins to fill out the form. The dog wags his

tail and whines. We can see

that he likes the UPS guy.

UPS MAN:

That's a lovely dog you have. Do

you mind if I pet him, sir?

GRUFF MAN:

(mumbles)

I don't give a rat's ass.

The UPS Man bends down and talks to the dog in a really sucky pet

talk.

UPS MAN:

Oo ja boo ba da boo boo do booo!

GRUFF MAN:

(under breath)

Brother.

Before the Gruff Man can finish, the UPS Man stands back up and takes

the form again.

UPS MAN:

That's fine sir. I can fill out

the rest. You just have yourself

a good day. Take care, now! 'Bye

'bye, then!

THRASH MUSIC STARTS

INT. HALLWAY -- CONT'D

The UPS Man moves swiftly down the hall and into the stair well.

INT. APARTMENT 3B - CONT'D

The Gruff Man shakes the box, tosses it down and sits in front of the

TV.

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - CONT'D

The UPS Man bursts from the front door and hustles down the street

very quickly. He passes

several people.

UPS MAN:

(quickly)

UPS, S'cuse me. UPS, comin'

through.

INT. APARTMENT 3B - CONT'D

We see the back of the Shiatsu staring at the crack in the front door.

He has not moved an inch.

The Gruff Man looks over.

GRUFF MAN:

Hey, stupid! Get away from the

door!

The dog doesn't budge and this really pisses him off. He gets up and

heads for the dog.

GRUFF MAN:

What's the matter with you, I said

GIT!!!

He roughly picks the dog up by the scruff of the neck, but as he turns

it around we see that it is a

stuffed dog. Around it's neck is a business card that reads, "You have

been had by Ace Ventura -

Pet Detective." He breathes fire.

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