About Last Night...

So, tell me.

Tell you what?

About last night.

So, I go to that new spot

on Sixth and Main, right?

Right.

- Nice atmosphere, beautiful women, Danny.

- Shit.

Why are you saying "shit"?

I asked you to come.

I see this chick, cute girl, tight.

- Model tight?

- No. No, no, no, no.

I'm not f*cking with them

anorexic girls no more, dude.

It's like f*cking a 10-speed

bike with daddy issues.

True.

This girl, she's put together, man, I mean,

nice titties, nice ass, whole package.

But, I think I kind of know her.

Hey, my name is Bernie.

Good for you.

You know Angela.

- Yeah, I know Ang, too.

- Right, Bernie.

Yeah.

Yeah, you used to date Angela.

Date?

No, I was f*cking the shit out

of Angela, that's what that was.

You got those edges nappy, huh?

So, at this point, I'm intrigued.

Nothing makes a guy sexier than if

he screwed over a chick you hate.

- It's like revenge by association.

- Exactly.

So, this Bernie's got a pair. It's

ladies' night, I'm down, we get drunk.

- You buy?

- Of course, I buy. What am I, a dick?

She gets drunk, I get drunk,

we go back to my place, right?

Listen to me, Danny,

this chick was insane.

But he gets too drunk.

See, you always let

them drink too much.

No. It is not my fault he got...

Whisky-dick? Shame on you.

Dude, I had to keep up with her

drinking or else I look like a pussy.

It's not my fault my friend

downstairs couldn't keep it together.

You got two ways to

look at whisky-dick.

The con is that your dick is

functionally dysfunctional.

The pro is that your dick gets extra special

attention for his extra special needs.

How much extra special attention

did she have to give you?

It was heaven. She was down

there at least 20 minutes.

Any longer than that and

you might as well charge.

So, I'm pulling out all the stops.

I'm talking dirty, I do handwork...

I put on a goddamn slow jam.

I mean, I am impressing myself.

I am like an EMT crew

reviving a car crash victim.

Do you know what I mean? I'm like a

hairdryer, I am blowing so hard.

But, I must admit, it was

well worth the wait.

Really?

Impressive, but not threatening.

It's like the John

Legend of penises.

- That is impressive.

- Very.

So I'm down there and it is the...

Best head this year.

What?

Thorough, paid attention to detail,

took pride in her work, Danny.

Did she do your taxes as well?

Snarky, but I'll allow it.

Only reason why is because

you been crying in your beer

since crazy Alison left

your ass over a year ago.

I'm taking my time.

You know what your problem is?

You're too damn good-looking, man.

What?

See, guys like me gotta work a

lot harder than guys like you.

Guys like you don't appreciate the

wealth of asses at their disposal.

Best thing that could happen to your

face is an industrial accident.

- Whatever.

- I'm serious.

Dude, you need to go meet

you a nice-looking female,

take her back to your

place, turn her out!

Make her feel things.

You made Joan feel things?

I made her feel like good and

evil hung in the balance,

like we were at peace talks and her

orgasms were the end of genocide.

I saved the world

last night, Danny.

- We appreciate it, brother.

- You're welcome.

Then she was like...

And I'm like...

Stop. Stop, stop.

Yeah, I'm okay. Never mind,

never mind, keep going.

Stop. Stop, stop. Stop, stop.

Motherf*cker, I said stop!

Are you deaf, Negro?

And I'm like,

"Well, bitch, which is it?"

I got a charley horse.

Were your legs up around your...

Obviously, which is so annoying,

because I was just about to...

Come on.

I'm like, finish your yoga

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