A Walk in the Woods Page #6

That would be nice.

Go ahead. Help yourselves.

Oh, jeez.

Okay, complete the following sentence.

What goes up must come

down.

What the hell happened to down?

It can't be uphill all the way to Maine.

Coming through.

Oh, my God. All right.

- What's up?

- Not much.

- Beautiful day.

- Yeah, it sure is.

- Excuse me.

- Okay.

Little f***ers.

MAN:
It's just

over the hill, guys.

(KATZ PANTING)

(GRUNTING)

- KATZ:
Boy.

- You okay?

KATZ:
Yeah.

I almost fell off the log.

(PANTS)

How far do you figure we've gone?

Oh, about a quarter of a mile.

Motherfuck.

We're going already?

(GRUNTING)

Just kill me now.

I don't care how you do it,

but please, just kill me now.

(GROANING)

(PANTING)

- What, that's it? No dinner?

- (GROANING)

(ZIPPING UP TENT)

(KATZ GROANS)

KATZ:
Hiya.

- KATZ:
You remember the Randall Farm?

- Of course.

KATZ:
Super-Walmart now.

BRYSON:
Christ.

KATZ:
The old drive-in theater?

- BRYSON:
Don't tell me.

- (CHUCKLES)

- KATZ:
Subaru dealership now.

- No.

KATZ:
Yeah. I got my first blowj*b there.

- BRYSON:
In the Subaru dealership?

- (CHUCKLES)

- Bit of a late bloomer, huh?

- (LAUGHS)

I bumped into Jimmy Duncan

a few weeks back.

You remember him?

- Yeah. His mom worked at the library?

- (LAUGHS)

'Course you remember his mom.

BRYSON:
Yeah, she was nice.

KATZ:
And she didn't own a bra.

- BRYSON:
Well, if she did, she never wore it.

- (LAUGHS)

KATZ:
Man, I loved that library.

(HARMONICA PLAYING)

(CONTINUES PLAYING)

- KATZ:
Hey, Bryson?

- Yeah?

KATZ:
Have you really kept in touch

with Doug Glawinski all these years?

BRYSON:
No, not at all. Why?

KATZ:
You invited him,

so I was just curious.

BRYSON:
Well, yeah.

I invited everyone I could think of.

KATZ:
No, not everyone.

I heard about it from Doug.

BRYSON:
I don't think I had your number.

KATZ:
You had Doug's number?

BRYSON:
Well, if it makes you feel any

better, I really don't like Doug.

KATZ:
(LAUGHING)

Well, I don't blame you.

I'm not sure how that's supposed

to make me feel better, though.

BRYSON:
Yeah.

I guess I really didn't think that through.

Good night.

KATZ:
Good night.

(TENT UNZIPPING)

You burying your sh*t?

Yes.

- In the woods?

- Yeah.

Oh, Bryson, I've missed you.

Thank you. (LAUGHING)

Can't wait to read about this in the book.

BRYSON:
I'm not writing a book.

Hi.

You guys camping here?

No, we live here.

(LAUGHS)

What are you guys eating?

Noodles? Ugh, big mistake.

Noodles have got, like, no energy in them.

I mean, like, zero.

I'm Mary Ellen. Is that your tent?

BRYSON:
Yeah.

Oh, big mistake.

They must have seen you coming

at the camping store.

- How much did you pay for it?

- I don't remember.

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