A Modern Twain Story: The Prince and the Pauper


Wow! This is amazing!

I think half of Palm Beach has turned out

for the world premiere of Spy Teen II.

And I see the limo now with teen heartthrob

and star of Spy Teen II,

Mister Eddie Tudor!

Congratulations on the movie, Eddie!

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, Palm Beach!

Your fans are waiting for you!

They're going crazy!

There's thousands of them!

Someday, that'll be me.

Turn that junk off, will you?

Come on, hurry up. Get dressed.

You're going to be late for school.

Got a big day starting tomorrow, you know.

We've gotta work this weekend.

Did you hear that, Pop?

You said "weekend."

That's the time you're supposed to rest.

Says who? Anyway, it's the O'Leary Estate.

Have you seen their backyard?

Oh, it's a thing of beauty.

It's going to be you and me

and dirt and worms.

What could be better?

I miss you guys.

Action, action, action!

- Oh, yeah.

- Cut!

Look, first of all, it is one front flip

before you get into the car, eh?

And you have to look behind you

to make sure they're not following you,

before you peel off.

Listen, if somebody was chasing you,

you wouldn't look back

to see if they were still chasing you.

You're stupid!

Now, I'm going to do two front flips,

'cause I can.

- Gunther, did we get that?

- No.

No. Jean-Pierre,

how do you say director in French?

- He's acting like a child!

- He is a child!

I should have opened a caf.

Listen, I don't care what you have to do.

Work it out.

We're happy in Palm Beach.

We want to stay here.

- How are you?

- Good.

- Know your lines?

- Yes.

- Get your stunts down?

- Yes.

Hey, listen up.

People are spreading the word

that you're creating problems on the set,

and there's a whole lot of cash riding

on this production.

So if you don't change your attitude,

they will replace you.

- Got it?

- Yeah, I got it.

And another thing,

no more pretend fainting spells

to get out of work. You hear me?

- Yeah, I hear you.

- Good.

- I'll see you later, babe.

- Bye, Mom.


Hey, Elizabeth, better not lose the stylist,

or you might end up looking fat

like in your last picture.

I hate you, Eddie Tudor!

You're getting mighty big

for your britches there, kid.

- What does that mean?

- It means you're acting like a little jerk.

You're not that cute little seven-year-old

anymore, Eddie. You better watch it.

You better watch it, Jerry,

before my mom finds out you're too old

to read my contracts and gets a new agent.

Whoa, nice.

Hey. What's up, little man?

Nothing much. Just reading this book

you gave me. It's awesome.

Yeah, that's great. Glad you like it.

Yeah, check out this part.

"Be careful in the use of mirrors.

"It teaches the actor to look on the outside

and not the inside of his soul."

- That's an important one.

- Yeah.

All right, what does it mean?

Well, I think what he's saying is

that acting is about real emotions,

not just about making faces for the camera.

Oh, like when Eddie Tudor

tells Lady Elizabeth

that she's the prettiest girl

on the pirate ship?

Yeah, like that.

Aye, matey,

I'll never let one of your pirates free

until I get my Lady Elizabeth with me.

Lady Elizabeth,

you're the most beautiful girl I've ever met.

- Thank you. Thank you.

- Good show.

All right. Now it's your turn.

- No, I don't...

- Come on.

No, I'm not in the mood today.

- Come on, Miles.

- No. Come on, I'm tired.

- It's the morning. It's early.

- You know what? It's because you're lazy,

and that's why you just sit

on this lawn chair all day and do nothing.

Come on.

Fine. A short one.

"If thou didst ever hold me in thy heart

absent thee from felicity awhile,

"and in this harsh world

draw thy breath in pain,

"to tell my story."

- That was great.

- Thanks.

It's too bad you got caught up

in cheesy movies and lost your career.

I didn't lose my career.

I walked away from it

because I became an idiot.

Let's go, Tom!

What's he got you speaking Italian for?

Well, it's good to know accents

for different roles.

Yeah, well, just remember,

we've got a busy weekend ahead of us.

Yeah. Pop, look, I'm not so sure

I want to work with you this weekend.

You think I'm going to give you money?

You gotta work for money.

I know, I know. It's just that...

The school has this acting club called

The Broadway Players, and...

- The Broadway what?

- Players.

They meet every weekend

and sometimes at night.

I was hoping that maybe I could join.

So you're going to join an acting group.

What about work?

Well, maybe I can get a job in the studio

after school and work on the sets.

You don't know what you're talking about,


That production in there ain't hiring locals.

They're a bunch of pig heads

with no respect for the working man.

Palm Beach is looking

to kick them out any day now.

And that's why you are going to go

to work this weekend, learn landscaping,

and that's that.

- I don't wanna learn landscaping.

- Landscaping is great work.

I'm not good at it!

And, frankly, I just hate dirt!

There's money in dirt. Look, Thomas...

Look, Pop, I'll work with you this weekend,

but not because I want to.

Hey, Tommy. Do Darth Sidious.

His death was a necessary loss.

Soon, I will have a new apprentice,

one that's younger and more powerful.

- Hi, Tom.

- Hey, Sandy.

Hey, do Eddie Tudor.

Oh, yeah.

- Hey, loser!

- Did you just call me a loser?

- Yeah, I did. That's my girlfriend.

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Jeffrey Hatcher

Jeffrey Hatcher is an American playwright and screenwriter. He wrote the stage play Compleat Female Stage Beauty, which he later adapted into a screenplay, shortened to just Stage Beauty (2004). He also co-wrote the stage adaptation of Tuesdays with Morrie with author Mitch Albom, and Three Viewings, a comedy consisting of three monologues - each of which takes place in a funeral home. He wrote the screenplay Casanova for director Lasse Hallström, as well as the screenplay for The Duchess (2008). He has also written for the Peter Falk TV series Columbo and E! Entertainment Television. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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