A Haunted House

Why isn't this

stupid thing workin'?

See, that's that bullshit.

I'm taking this shit

right back to Best Buy.

Or not.

Stupid lens cap.

Wow!

Brand-new camera.

I'm filming

everything with this.

Christmas, New Year's,

vagina.

All right.

Today is the big day.

My girlfriend

Kisha's moving in.

Now, all my boys

keep telling me,

"Don't do it, don't do it,

"because everything's

gonna change.

"She's gonna take

over your house.

"She's never

gonna cook again.

"And worst of all,

"you're putting

your dick in jail."

I think they're trippin'.

Once she moves in,

everything's gonna

be perfect.

Place looks nice.

Baby boy cleaned up

for you, huh?

Oh, shit!

Rosa!

Hey, you gotta

announce yourself.

You can't just

creep up on me.

Aw, come on.

This is my

housekeeper, Rosa.

Say hi. Say hi.

Say hi!

Hi! Hola.

Say "Hola." Hola.

Bye-bye!

Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay!

Do this.

Oh!

I'm a big bambino?

You know I love you.

Hey, Shiloh!

Say hi to Mommy.

I'm gonna hump you

on your leg, Kisha.

That's right.

And I'm gonna lick you

all over your face

with my dog-ball mouth.

Oh, shit.

Here she comes.

Hi, baby!

Hey, baby! Hi!

No, no, Shiloh!

Wait! No, no, no, no!

Shiloh! What did you do?

I didn't see him!

What did you do?

I'm so sorry.

Oh, my God!

Shiloh, come on, breathe.

Maybe he's

just playing dead.

He doesn't know

how to play dead.

He knows how to shake hands.

He knows how to fetch.

He knows how to roll over.

He don't know

how to play dead.

Come on, Shiloh, breathe.

One, two, three.

Breathe.

Aww!

Give me

the jumper cables.

The jumper cables?

Give me

the goddamn jumper cables!

Don't you die on me!

Start the car!

Clear! Go!

Oh, shit!

Meet me at the hospital!

The hospital's that way!

Don't go towards

the light, Shiloh!

You're in

a better place now, buddy.

I'm so, so sorry.

It's okay, baby.

It's...

It's not your fault.

Yes, it is.

You know, look...

Look on the bright side.

I'm allergic to dogs.

I know, but that's what

was so great about Shiloh.

He was hypoallergenic.

Shiloh!

Oh, my God!

Look at all this shit.

Okay, Malcolm,

this is the last box.

What's with the camera?

I'm documenting

our lives together.

Say hi.

Hi! Okay. Mmm.

That ass

lookin' nice, baby.

Hey, hey.

Pan up, pan up.

I see that.

Baby, you are officially

a hoarder.

I swear to God, I'm gonna

open one of these boxes

and find, like, a dead cat

and an old

baloney sandwich in it.

Ha, ha, ha.

Very funny.

Oh, my God.

Do you need these?

Yes! These are...

For what?

These are good

wedding shoes!

One to 10, what are you

feeling right now about that?

Um, 8.7.

What do you

feel about that?

Nine. Nine.

No, wait! Come on. Come on.

What's this? Hold on.

This is a box that my aunt

brought from Kenya.

This is a nine, too.

Oh, my God!

Hi, my name is Kisha Davis,

and I'm a hoarder.

There's shame.

Oh, wow.

Are these

your daddy's ashes?

Yes, Malcolm.

They go where I go.

So, we're gonna

have his ghost

watching over us?

Just put him in

the other room.

He likes to watch TV.

He's dead.

What's he gonna watch?

American Horror Story?

Okay, babe,

these video games,

they have to go.

Wait. Leave my

video games alone.

They're tacky.

- I'm not gonna break it.

- Give me my camera!

"Negra?"Did she

just call me a n*gger?

What? What?

I will lambada your ass!

English! English!

Speak English!

Baby. Baby. Baby!

You know she

don't like me, right?

Oh, I know

what's going on here.

You got some

Schwarzenegger stuff

going on in here, right?

Really?

Yeah, okay, yeah.

Yeah, we're gonna

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