A Haunted House
Why isn't this
stupid thing workin'?
See, that's that bullshit.
I'm taking this sh*t
right back to Best Buy.
Or not.
Stupid lens cap.
Wow!
Brand-new camera.
I'm filming
everything with this.
Christmas, New Year's,
vagina.
All right.
Today is the big day.
My girlfriend
Kisha's moving in.
Now, all my boys
keep telling me,
"Don't do it, don't do it,
"because everything's
gonna change.
"She's gonna take
over your house.
"She's never
gonna cook again.
"And worst of all,
"you're putting
your dick in jail."
I think they're trippin'.
Once she moves in,
everything's gonna
be perfect.
Place looks nice.
Baby boy cleaned up
for you, huh?
Oh, sh*t!
Rosa!
Hey, you gotta
announce yourself.
You can't just
creep up on me.
Aw, come on.
This is my
housekeeper, Rosa.
Say hi. Say hi.
Say hi!
Hi! Hola.
Say "Hola." Hola.
Bye-bye!
Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay!
Do this.
Oh!
I'm a big bambino?
You know I love you.
Hey, Shiloh!
Say hi to Mommy.
I'm gonna hump you
on your leg, Kisha.
That's right.
And I'm gonna lick you
all over your face
with my dog-ball mouth.
Oh, sh*t.
Here she comes.
Hi, baby!
Hey, baby! Hi!
No, no, Shiloh!
Wait! No, no, no, no!
Shiloh! What did you do?
I didn't see him!
What did you do?
I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God!
Shiloh, come on, breathe.
Maybe he's
just playing dead.
He doesn't know
how to play dead.
He knows how to fetch.
He knows how to roll over.
He don't know
how to play dead.
Come on, Shiloh, breathe.
One, two, three.
Breathe.
Aww!
Give me
the jumper cables.
The jumper cables?
Give me
Don't you die on me!
Start the car!
Clear! Go!
Oh, sh*t!
Meet me at the hospital!
The hospital's that way!
Don't go towards
the light, Shiloh!
You're in
I'm so, so sorry.
It's okay, baby.
It's...
It's not your fault.
Yes, it is.
You know, look...
Look on the bright side.
I'm allergic to dogs.
I know, but that's what
He was hypoallergenic.
Shiloh!
Oh, my God!
Look at all this sh*t.
Okay, Malcolm,
this is the last box.
What's with the camera?
I'm documenting
our lives together.
Say hi.
Hi! Okay. Mmm.
That ass
lookin' nice, baby.
Hey, hey.
Pan up, pan up.
I see that.
Baby, you are officially
a hoarder.
I swear to God, I'm gonna
open one of these boxes
and find, like, a dead cat
and an old
baloney sandwich in it.
Ha, ha, ha.
Very funny.
Oh, my God.
Do you need these?
Yes! These are...
For what?
These are good
wedding shoes!
One to 10, what are you
Um, 8.7.
What do you
feel about that?
Nine. Nine.
No, wait! Come on. Come on.
What's this? Hold on.
This is a box that my aunt
brought from Kenya.
This is a nine, too.
Oh, my God!
Hi, my name is Kisha Davis,
and I'm a hoarder.
There's shame.
Oh, wow.
Are these
your daddy's ashes?
Yes, Malcolm.
They go where I go.
So, we're gonna
have his ghost
watching over us?
Just put him in
the other room.
He's dead.
What's he gonna watch?
American Horror Story?
Okay, babe,
these video games,
they have to go.
Wait. Leave my
video games alone.
They're tacky.
- Give me my camera!
"Negra?"Did she
just call me a n*gger?
What? What?
I will lambada your ass!
English! English!
Speak English!
Baby. Baby. Baby!
You know she
don't like me, right?
Oh, I know
what's going on here.
You got some
Schwarzenegger stuff
going on in here, right?
Really?
Yeah, okay, yeah.
Yeah, we're gonna
have a nappy-haired baby
Come on.
Think about it.
Okay.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Hungry there, buddy?
Mm-hmm.
You're over there eating
like the Cookie Monster.
Can I just enjoy
my food, please?
Wow. Somebody's crabby.
I'm sorry.
I'm just tired.
I haven't been sleeping well.
Scary.
Well, you don't have
to be afraid, okay?
'Cause you're
living with me now.
And nobody's gonna
hurt you on my watch.
Okay?
Okay.
Unless the n*gger
got a gun.
Then you on your own.
What?
Hey, baby, what you doin'?
Well, it's time to
put on something
a little more comfortable.
Aha! That's what
I'm talkin' about!
Fellas,
get out your pen and pads.
We about to give
you a sex tutorial.
Let's do this.
Mmm. Oh.
Yeah.
Oh, you got the beat!
Oh! Stop.
Stop. Not yet. Not... Ahh!
You gonna bring
a friend there, huh?
Ah. Ah.
Uh-huh? Watch that.
Uh-huh.
Now you get some, yeah.
Watch. Watch.
Ah, taste that.
Look at Daddy. Uh-huh.
Two dogs, one duck.
Get it nasty.
You nasty.
Go home.
I want you by myself. Yeah.
Shh.
Oh. Oh, sh*t!
That's still hot!
Shut up. Take it.
You just take it.
Take it, take it, take it.
Baby!
Yeah, baby?
I cannot believe
this is our first night
living together!
Yeah. It's nice, huh?
Uh-huh.
I can't wait to
lie next to you.
Oh, me, too.
Gotta go, baby.
It was fun.
Whoo!
Get in.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Here I come!
Okay, honey.
Baby, you are
the sexiest woman...
What the hell?
You know, Malcolm,
not everybody goes to bed
looking like a supermodel.
Apparently not.
You know?
Besides,
what is wrong
with my outfit?
Nothin',
if you lived in a box
underneath the freeway.
What?
Come on!
Hold the sign up,
please?
Can I go to bed?
No, you gotta
get the joke first!
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"A Haunted House" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 28 Mar. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/a_haunted_house_1925>.
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