A Futile and Stupid Gesture Page #4

---

Our Time parody, right there,

sold over half a million copies.

- Bored of the Rings sold even more...

- They don't want to waste our time.

Obviously, this Lampoon thing

is not gonna fly here.

So, let's talk about our other idea, huh?

Huh? You want to go first or should I?

- You should take it.

- Okay.

Sandwiches.

- I'm sorry?

- Modern Sandwich.

A monthly magazine devoted to sandwiches

and the sandwich lifestyle.

Henry's idea.

Hey, we are a country divided

in so many ways:

politically, economically, geographically.

But two slices of bread,

some meat, a condiment or two?

That's something we can all agree on.

Right, Jim?

- I'm Frank.

- Let's all be frank.

There is a huge under-served audience

for investigative sandwich journalism.

I... You know, why is it so hard

to find a good tomato?

Are club sandwiches too exclusive?

Modern Sandwich!

We'll run short fiction

and shorter recipes.

Show pictures of pickles

and things that look like pickles,

because Jim, other Jim,

- let's open-face it...

- I don't see the point of this.

The point is,

you don't have a f***ing clue.

You're the kind of people who commute back

and forth from Westport, Connecticut.

And we have nothing to do with you.

F***ing pieces of sh*t.

You have our information.

Oh.

I'm gonna take it.

That one, I would say,

was less promising.

Maybe we need to rethink our pitch.

F*** those guys, you know?

They're just like my dad.

They jerk off to Eisenhower biographies.

Yes, but,

and this is what I love about them,

they have money.

So can we please just pretend for a second

that they and we are on the same side

until after the check clears.

Fine, who's next?

Hmm. Last stop.

We've come to you first

because we are so impressed

by what you've built with your magazine.

Yogurt instead of sour cream.

So simple, yet so brilliant.

You know, they said a Weight Watcher's

magazine would never work.

Now we're moving 500,000 copies a month.

God bless the fatties.

- God bless 'em.

- Yes.

- Listen, I don't want to waste your time.

- Here we go.

Most magazines fail within the first year.

And a laugh rag?

Even Hefner couldn't make that work.

Okay. Look, Mr. Simmons. Matty.

The truth is, we've already got

some offers from the big publishers.

- Your friend just said I was the first...

- No, I was...

But you're our choice

to publish a National Lampoon.

- Yeah.

- Yes.

The big publishers,

they don't get the youth market.

And we checked around, they said,

"Hey, you want funny, you go

to Matty Simmons because he gets funny."

They said that?

Every single one.

You know, I used to write one-liners

for Walter Winchell.

We wuv Winchell.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes