A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum

"("? "Comedy Tonight)"

? "Something familiar, something peculiar"

? "Something for everyone.:"

a comedy tonight

? "Something appealing,"

something appalling

? "Something for everyone.:"

a comedy tonight

? "Nothing for kings"

? "Nothing for crowns"

? "Bring on the lovers, liars and clowns"

? "Old situations, new complications"

? "Nothing portentous or polite"

? "Tragedy tomorrow, comedy tonight"

? "Something convulsive,"

something repulsive

? "Something for everyone.:"

a comedy tonight

? "Something aesthetic,"

something frenetic

? "Something for everyone.:"

a comedy tonight

"(chorus)" ? "Nothing of gods, nothing of fate"

? "Weighty affairs will just have to wait"

Our principal characters live...

on this street,

in a less fashionable suburb of Rome,

in these three houses.

First, the house of Erronius,

a befuddled old man,

abroad now in search of his children,

stolen in infancy by pirates.

"(chorus)" ? "Something erratic,"

something dramatic

? "Something for everyone.:"

a comedy tonight

Second, the house of Lycus, a buyer and

seller of the flesh of beautiful women.

Thats for those of you

who have no interest in pirates.

Something for everyone.

? A comedy tonight

And, finally, the house of Senex,

who lives here with his wife and son.

Also in this house dwells Pseudolus,

slave to his son.

Pseudolus is my favourite character

in the piece -

a role of enormous variety and nuance,

and played by an actor of such versatility,

such magnificent range, such...

Let me put it this way - I play the part.

"(chorus)" ? "Something familiar,"

something peculiar

? "Something for everyone.:"

a comedy tonight

? "Something thats gaudy,"

something thats bawdy

? "Something for everybodys taste"

? "Pantaloons and tunics"

? "Courtesans and eunuchs"

? "Funerals and chases"

? "Baritones and basses"

- ? "Panderers"

- ? "Philanderers"

- ? "Cupidity"

- ? "Timidity"

- ? "Mistakes"

- ? "Fakes"

- ? "Rhymes"

- ? "Mimes"

? "Tumblers, grumblers,"

fumblers, bumblers

? "No royal curse, no Trojan Horse"

? "And theres a happy ending of course"

? "Goodness and badness"

? "Man in his madness"

? "This time it all turns out all right"

? "Tragedy tomorrow"

? "Comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy,"

comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy

? "Comedy tonight"

Hup! Hie!

You, boy. Why are we stopping? Hurry up.

My dear and noble neighbours,

my apologies.

Since moving in next door Ive been

remiss in not calling to pay my respects.

However, it is our inaugural week,

and you know what "that" is.

I certainly do not. Move on.

All right, dont stand. Move. Move! Hup.

A common flesh pedlar in

the house next to ours. Disgusting!

Disgraceful. All that revolting flesh,

just next door.

- Make way for the house of Senex.

- "(man)" Senex, wait.

Wait.

Is this not Pseudolus, your slave?

He was parading as a citizen.

Believe me, mistress, I was not parading.

I was walking humbly like a slave.

He invited us to game with him.

He cheated us out of nine minae.

- Nine? I took seven.

- Return nine.

One. Two. Three. Four. Im being cheated

out of the money I won fairly.

- Pseudolus.

- Seven. Eight.

- Wheres five and six?

- Im coming to them. Nine. Five. Six.

Thank you, citizens.

Do not fear, he will be punished.

- Farewell.

- Farewell.

- Now...

- I know, I should be whipped.

Gently. However, my intentions

were of the noblest.

Hearing that you were

visiting your dear mother,

I wanted to purchase a remembrance -

some bath essence, a new spear.

Fifty more lashes for lying.

You were doing what you always do -

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