A Bag of Hammers

Synopsis: Two car thieving buddies (Ben and Alan) come to personal crossroads when Kelsey, a likable but neglected and fairly well abandoned twelve-year-old boy, crosses their path. Ben and Alan, having bonded for life in helping each other escape unhappy home lives, react differently to Kelsey's situation. One deeply fears the responsibility of looking after a child (having had no personal experiences worth following) while the other finds himself compelled to take him in (seeing himself in the child - an abandoned kid whom no one else wants).
Genre: Comedy, Drama
Director(s): Brian Crano
Production: MPI Media Group
  3 nominations.
Rotten Tomatoes:
85 min

- Who would win in a fight-

- Ultimate Warrior.

That wasn't-

I wasn't going to say

Ultimate Warrior.

Well, you said

"Who would win in a fight?"

and it's Ultimate Warrior.

You have to say,

"Aside from Ultimate Warrior,"

or give me specific choices.

- Give me some time.

- Give me some choices.

Who do you think

would win in a fight, Marty,

or Armenian Frank?

- Armenian Frank, not Italian Frank?

- No, Armenian Frank.

- Who?

- Marty.

- Why?

- Marty could have a secret weapon

that none of us know about.

Like a nuke...

Who do you think

is a better bowler?

Ultimate Warrior.

I don't want to go

I don't want to go

On my own

On my own

I don't want to go

On my own

And so you know

the bottom might trump you

And then where

would the best of us be

Well some kind of flow

So jealous of ghosts

Not a candlestick maker,

not me

I don't want to go

I don't want to go...


Look at you dumbshits

in yer bow ties!

Where did you boys

pick this up?


It is a 2004.

It is in great shape.

It's a nice car.

Very nice. Clean.

I'll move it easy.

- Clean interior.

- Yep.

Except for this fry I found.

Here you go, Jethro.


Let's say six?

- What, that's fair!

- Marty, I've got a mortgage.

I'll tell you what,

eight thousand five hundred,

not a penny less.

Damn right!

Seven thousand.

- Alright, we'll take it.

- Fine.

It is endlessly f***ed up to me

that you steal cars

from dead people.

- They're not dead people.

- They're dead peoples' relatives.

- I remember when you were nice boys.

- Yes...

You're breaking

my heart, Marty.

My favorite, favorite,

favorite degenerates.

Okay, Barbara Walters

or Cloris Leachman?

Cloris Leachman, no question.

No not-I know what

you're thinking.

You're thinking Cloris Leachman

in Young Frankenstein.

But Cloris Leechman now.

- Hi y'all.

- Hey.

- How's it going?

- It's alright, alright.

Just getting settled in.

I went to my school,

it's pretty close.

- Yeah-

- Uh just one thing though...

About the rent.

I was really hoping to be able

to pay the whole amount.

You know, it's just that

I haven't found work yet.


The FEMA money that we got

is only a two thousand

dollar cash card.

And then they tell me now

that they don't know when

the rest can be

processed, so...

- I can't really afford...

- What?

Fifteen hundred

to fourteen hundred.


- Say a thousand a month, is that okay?

- Really?!

Thank you, thank you.

That is so nice of you!

It's pretty wonderful,

you know,

you getting on

the property ladder

at such a young age, Alan.

- Impressive.

- Yeah, thank you.

So what is it that you do?

- Hey boys.

- Hey, what it is.

- Juice.

- Thank you.

So what do you want?

- Um...

- Ah...

Well, aren't we

forgetting something?

- Ah yes.

- Alan, come on.

- Well it is a Wiggles Waffles policy.

- Alan-

That when a server -

that'd be you,

greets the customer -

that'd be us,

that you must perform the

Wiggles Waffles Wiggle.

Alan, please.

Welcome to Wiggles,

the Wiggles Waffles Wiggle

Thank you for wiggling

into Wiggles Waffles...


- Oh God, every time.

- So stupid!

F*** you, bed-shitter!



what's the grift of the day?

Actually, forget it.

I don't want to know.

Well actually,

we can't decide today.

You know you should just

snatch some old ladies' purses.

- It's more direct.

- No, please.

What do we look like?


Well, looks can be deceiving.

That's precisely why

we're so successful.

So, Mom called yesterday.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Dad got into another bar fight.

Rate this script:5.0 / 2 votes

Brian Crano

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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