44 Inch Chest

Synopsis: Colin is in agony, shattered by his wife's infidelity. However, he has friends who do more than stand by -- they kidnap the wife's French lover and hold him prisoner so that Colin can restore his manhood with revenge. A kangaroo court takes place and as the situation escalates Loverboy's life hangs in the balance as Colin wrestles with revenge, remorse, grief and self pity, all the while egged on by his motley crew of friends who just want him to get on with it so they can get down the pub.
Genre: Crime, Drama
Director(s): Malcolm Venville
Production: Image Entertainment
  2 wins & 2 nominations.
Rotten Tomatoes:
95 min

- And meet Switzerland's

very own real, live rock star.

- Mmm.

What is this, Archie?

- That?

Mulligatawny, king of soups.

- Mmm. Nice.

- Put hairs on your chest,

that will.

- Panorama's on soon

after the news.

David Dimble-bimble-by,

your favorite.

Oh, there's my mobilius.

Excuse I.


Y- y-yeah.


- Just come...

- Colin, what's happened?

- Hello.

Hello, Arch.


- Col?


Come on, mate.

You can't lie here forever.


No, I can't forget

this evening

Or your face

as you were leaving

But I guess

that's just the way

The story goes

- Come on, mate, cheer up.

It might never happen.

- Hurry up.

Get in here, Pop.

- Tosser.

- Oi! Oi!

Sit down!

Concentrate on your snails.

- Get in, you cunt!

- Cuckoldry.

Cuckoldry, terrible word.

Terrible thing.

Is he up to it, d'you think?

- Oh, he'll do it.

He'll do it.

He'll kill him.

He's got to, ain't he?

He just needs

a bit more time.

That's all, you know.

Get over the shock.

He'll do it.

No question.

- Well, give him my regards.

Send my condolences.

- Yeah, I will.

I will, Bigg.

I'll pass 'em on.

- Meredith, eh?


- And Mal and Peanut

and me.

- Meredith.

- How'show's Rosemary, then?

- I don't know.

Ask her.

- Hello, Rosemary.

How's you, then?

- I'm all right, I suppose.

Thanks for asking.

Is he looking after you?

Keeping you in sausages,


- Who? This cunt?

You're joking, ain't ya?

He opens another tin of chum,

I'm gonna bite his bollocks off.


- Well, I'llI'll catch you

later, then, Biggu.

Bye, Rose.

- Toodle pip.

- Fair do's,

the guy's hurting,

but f*ck me.

- I know. I know.

It's mental.

- Shit happens.

Deal with it.

- How's your hand?

- Throbbing like f*ck.

He was on the phone to me

last night,

hour and a half,

woke me up.

- Yeah.

- Oh, "cunt" this, "cunt" that.

Reckoned he couldn't sleep.

Pissed out of his brains.

Talking a load of cobblers.

He doesn't know where he is.

- I been there.

- No, not like this, mate,

not like him,

not like Colin,

not like Colin Diamond.

Ah, believe me,

you should have heard him.

Fucking hell.

On and on,

telling me his fucking dreams.

Get this, he's in a phone box,

only it isn't a phone box.

It's her cunt.

- It's her what?

- That's right, her cunt,

with teeth.

Oh, no-no-no-no, pardon me.

Let's get this right.

Not teeth; dentures.

- Dentures.

- That's right.

Her cunt's got dentures.

- Jesus Christ.

- And they're snapping,

clacking at himon him.

Nibbling his arse.

Biting his balls.

I mean, I'm trying

not to laugh.

I'm knackered.

Half past 3:
00 in the morning,

hearing all this shit.

- Fucking hell.

- Ah, that's right,

and it goes on.

It goesa door opens.

In walks a cock.

That's right.

You heard.

Yeah, that's right, a cock.

In walks a cock.

And it's massive.

It's not his.

Guess whose.

That's right.

Oh, f*ck's sake.

Oh, then, yeah

then he's on a plane.

All right, he's having

his dinner, club class,

and he's dressed as a clown.

Oh, ueah, big red nose

like Ronald fucking McDonald.

And then

And the waitress

comes up the aisle

and starts whacking him

in the back of the head.

Oh, you make sense of it, mate.

I mean, it's fucking tragic.

- He needs pulling back.

He's on a slippery slope.

Better watch him.

Dressed as a clown?

- Yeah, fucking Coco, mate.

- Hello.

- Old man Peanut's vodka,


- Ah, yeah.

- Taken a sizeable lump

out of that lot.

- You can look at me,

uou know.

I'm not invisible.

- Who said that?

You all right, son?

- I'm bearing up.

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Louis Mellis

Louis Mellis is a Scottish actor and screenwriter. Along with David Scinto, he wrote the screenplay for the 2000 film Sexy Beast and the 2009 film 44 Inch Chest.In 2010, Mellis signed on to write The Princess' Gangster, based on the apparently true story of Princess Margaret's affair with gangster John Bindon in the late 1960s.Among gamers he is known for having voiced Darth Sion, a character in Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords. Louis was also the voice of BBC Radio 1. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "44 Inch Chest" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2020. Web. 21 Oct. 2020. <https://www.scripts.com/script/44_inch_chest_1725>.

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