
31
- R
- Year:
- 2016
- 102 min
- $779,820
- 4,063 Views
(3.75 / 4 votes)1
Hello.
They call me doom-head.
Now, I don't call myself
doom-head, mind you, but they do.
Who's they?
Well, some mysterious folks that pay me
a whole lot of scratch to do what I do.
And what I do,
unfortunately for you...
I do real well.
Now.
Let's get one thing
between us straight.
I ain't no f***ing clown.
Now Mr. P.T. Barnum may claim clowns are
the pegs on which this circus is hung...
But I isn't no f***ing clown.
Now you may think you see a grease-painted
amused response from an audience,
but trust me.
You do not.
I'm not here to make you happy.
I'm not here to brighten
your dismal day
and I am certainly not here
I am here to end your
miserable f***ing life.
But first...
Mm.
First,
with a story.
See I don't think the last sound to
puncture your ear drums should be
the twang of your
body falling apart.
Snap! Oooh.
Crunch.
Interesting fact:
Did you know that a cockroach can
live up to 168 hours without a head?
I find this... fascinating.
But what really blows
my f***ing marbles
like a 50-cent skank,
I mean the real mind-f***er,
is that for several more hours
this same decapitated head
will keep on truckin' for Jesus.
If properly nourished,
of course.
You know, all in all,
you've had a pretty good run.
But, uh, deep down inside you must have
known it all had to end somewhere.
Might as well be here.
Might as well be now.
And it might as well be with me.
Where's my wife? What did you sick
bastards do to my beautiful wife?
She's the mother of
our two beautiful girls.
Rebecca, Josephine, they're beautiful,
they're just like her, please.
Oh.
I know where she is.
took a fancy to her.
So I think she might be sticking
around for a bit, huh?
...though I walk through the valley of
the shadow of death I fear no evil...
Christ almighty, you Jesus freaks
are so f***ing sensitive, huh?
Sh*t.
You should be thanking me, man.
I'm sending you straight to the f***ing
pearly gates with a first-class ticket.
for not sharpening this thing.
It might take
Listen to me. Listen to me, please,
I'm begging you. I'm begging you.
You don't have...
You don't have to do this.
We can all walk away.
Bring Georgina to me.
And you let us walk away,
no one would know.
- F*** it.
- No, no.
You know what they say,
Kemosabe, in hell,
everybody loves popcorn.
Number f***ing two.
Hey Randy, man, I hope you know that
"e" stands for "empty." Not "eat."
I am hungry,
but that's not possible.
Check it.
Oh, suck my motherfucking balls!
No thanks.
How am I supposed to work with
this inferior goddamn equipment?
Is that what the ladies
are calling it now?
Trust me, my doo-Wally's
working fine.
Hey, look here boy,
here in the ass of nowhere
you gon' get your lard ass out
there and you gon' push
with the bumper up your ass.
Venus, I think it might be time to bring
back the girl into a gorilla-lusion.
Oh, you all got a gorilla?
Yeah I got a f***ing gorilla,
he's in my pants,
I call him king dong.
Whoa, hey, whoa filly.
- I assume you're joking.
- I am not.
I mean, haven't we got enough to
worry about, without you
framing up a new show?
I mean, besides,
who's gonna hustle
this other sh*t?
You think I want to be
a f***ing mechanic?
the rest of my life?
I mean, I got dreams.
And they do not include yanking
some kid's chewed up arm
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"31" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2022. Web. 16 Aug. 2022. <https://www.scripts.com/script/31_1699>.
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