17 Miracles

Synopsis: The Mormon pioneers trek across the plains.
Director(s): T.C. Christensen
Production: Excel Entertainment Group
  2 wins.
113 min

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the Hammersmith Apollo.

Please put your hands together

and welcome on stage

Dara O'Briain.

Lovely! How are you? You in good form?

Good evening, good evening...

How are you?

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen,

- to the Hammersmith Apollo! Good form?

- [all] Yeah!

My name is Dara O'Briain,

It is a pleasure to be in front of you,

after a tour all over lreland and the UK,

to be back in London,

It's a delight to be back at home,

in one regard,

It's interesting

to be back in London now,

'cause we left you and when we came back

things had changed in a subtle way,

Like short stories

you read as a teenager,

science-fiction stories,

you'd go into the past

and then you'd sneeze on a pterodactyl

or step on something,

you come back

and the world is changed,

We went to Basingstoke,

Croydon, Aylesbury,

We came back, you elected

fat Andy Warhol as mayor,


Frankly, if I knew that's what you could

get from hosting Have I Got News For You

I wouldn't have settled

for Mock The Week.

[laughter, applause]

It is a pleasure, Hello, people at the front,

We'll come to you in a moment,


But it is a delight be back,

particularly in this part of the world,

I live near here,

Hello, Hammersmith,

Hammersmith, one of the economic engines

that is keeping this country going,

By Hammersmith, I mean

that newsagent on King Street

- where Polish guys get their jobs,

- [laughter]

The most... I'm not slagging

off Poles, I'm lrish, I love Poles,

They've kind of stolen our act

just a little bit, Know what I mean?

They're cheaper then we are,

work harder and they had a Pope,

- They're more Catholic then we ever were,

- [laughter]

But now we find ourselves back here,

We will be talking to you,

people in the front,

Don't feel scared by that,

It's not some corny comedy thing

where I slag you off, I'll make gods of you,

You know that?

I'll render you extraordinary,

You'll be carried out of this building,

You'll be legends by the end of it,

That's what you do,

one of the joys about live comedy

is that you mess with people

and find out about lives,

It's fun and it changes every night,

In Oxford, for example...

A tip for comedians:

always ask another question,

I asked, "What do you do?"

He goes, "I'm a food scientist,"

- The entire room went, "Ooh..."

- [laughter]

"We don't like that,"

I went, "You done anything interesting

as a food scientist?"

He goes, "l invented the Solero,"

- [laughter]

- That's exactly...

Everyone went, "Well..."

I went, "Really? All of them?"

- He went, "No, just tropical,"

- [laughter]

I said to him, "That's incredible,"

We had a long discussion

about the ratio of ice cream to stick

and how you get the frozen-y bit

to keep the ice cream in,

Technical issues were raised,

I was going, "There's so many issues,

Did you do this yourself?"

- He goes, "No, I led the team,"

- [laughter]

Which I thought was a fantastic way

to describe devising an ice cream,

Shackleton led a team,

Edmund Hillary led a team,

- Wolverine, he leads a f*cking team,

- [laughter]

But this man invented an ice cream,

and sitting beside him was his wife

who had this look on her face,

this glorious look of, "Here we go again

with the f*cking Solero, Jesus,"

- [laughter]

- This is people we've met,

We met in Manchester the man

who put the thin metal strip into notes,

What a weird gig that was, We met a guy

in Halifax who works for the Halifax.

It's that kind of town,

Oh, here's one of my favourites,

We met a guy in Tunbridge Wells

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"17 Miracles" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2019. Web. 15 Oct. 2019. <https://www.scripts.com/script/17_miracles_1572>.

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