13 Cameras

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[RADIO TRANSMISSION STATIC]

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[MAN] FIBER OPTICS.

NOW, IT'S A LITTLE BIT

MORE EXPENSIVE,

BUT IN TERMS OF HOME SECURITY,

IT'S TOP OF THE LINE.

1080p, BACKUP BATTERIES,

AND THEY'RE

PRACTICALLY INVISIBLE.

THERE IS NOTHING

MORE OFF-PUTTING

THAN INVITING:

SOME FOLKS OVER:

TO YOUR PLACE,

THEY SEE ONE OF THESE ANCIENT,

CONVENIENT STORE CAMERAS,

POINTING DIRECTLY

AT THEM AS THEY'RE WAITING

OUT ON YOUR FRONT PORCH.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WHO WANTS THAT?

NO ONE.

THESE LITTLE:

GUYS RIGHT HERE,

THEY CAN BE HIDDEN

ALMOST ANYWHERE.

"DISCRETION"

IS THE NAME OF THE GAME.

THEY CAN BE INDOOR,

THEY CAN BE OUTDOOR,

UNDERWATER, ANYWHERE.

OKAY, NOW,

I WOULDN'T PUT 'EM IN THE BOTTOM

OF YOUR TOILET BOWL,

OR ANYTHING-- [LAUGHS]

UNLESS YOU'RE INTO

THAT SORT OF THING.

YOU SEEM LIKE:

A REASONABLE GUY.

WHY DON'T

WE HOOK YOU UP?

[BREAKS SQUEAK]

[DRILLING]

THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

CALL HIM AGAIN.

HE'S ON HIS WAY,

CALM DOWN.

I'M STARVING.

I'M TIRED.

I'M CARRYING

A BOWLING BALL WITH ME.

[VEHICLE APPROACHING]

- YIKES.

- NO F***ING WAY.

JESUS. CLAIRE, STOP.

COME ON. COME ON.

[LOWERED VOICE]

YOU'RE KIDDING ME.

-HI, HOW YOU DOING?

-[MAN] UH-HUH.

[WHISPERING]

THERE ARE BODIES BURIED

IN THE BACKYARD.

- [WHISPERING] STOP.

- [MUMBLING]

-[MAN #2] OH, WOW.

-[WOMAN] OH.

[WOMAN] THIS FIREPLACE

IS ACTUALLY NICE.

[MAN #1] FIREPLACE,

WOOD FLOORS...

INLAID BEAMS.

[WHISPERING]

DO YOU SMELL THAT?

IT SMELLS LIKE A DIRTY DIAPER.

JESUS CLAIRE, SHUT UP.

-ALL THESE

APPLIANCES NEW?

-[MAN #1] YEP.

- [MAN #2] YOU DID ALL

THE REMODELING YOURSELF?

- [MAN #1] MM-HMM.

[MAN #2] I'M NOT MUCH OF A

HANDYMAN MYSELF, I CAN HARDLY

CHANGE A TIRE.

[WOMAN] WOW.

[MAN #1] OFFICE,

OWNERS CLOSET,

GUEST BEDROOM,

AND THE MASTER BEDROOM.

IS THERE AN ATTIC,

OR A BASEMENT, OR ANYTHING?

NO.

AND YOU'RE OKAY WITH DOGS?

UH-HUH.

YOU MIND IF WE LOOK AROUND

ON OUR OWN?

NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

- SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- I CAN'T BREATHE IN THERE.

WELL, IT'S NOT LIKE WE HAVE TO

LIVE WITH THE GUY, JUST HOLD

YOUR BREATH WHENEVER

HE COMES TO FIX:

THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL.

IT'S LIKE

SPOILED MAYONNAISE.

UGH!

I FEEL LIKE IT'S ON ME.

IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO HIRE

AN EXORCIST.

JUST RELAX.

IT'S A COOL HOUSE.

UGH!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

-OH, MY GOD.

-YOU GOT IT?

YEAH.

-YOU GUYS OKAY?

-DON'T TURN IT.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[BIRDS SQUEAKING]

[WOMAN]

YOU DON'T BUY A PREGNANT LADY

A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE

FOR HER HOUSE-WARMING GIFT.

-IT'S STUPID.

-IT'S NOT STUPID.

THEY'RE GONNA BE

TOTALLY COOL WITH IT.

IT'S NOT

A HOUSE-WARMING PARTY,

IT'S JUST A BIG

GET-TOGETHER THING.

YOU GOTTA GO:

TO CRATE AND BARREL

EVERY TIME SOMEBODY

MOVES INTO A HOUSE?

GIVE ME A F***ING BREAK.

-[WOMAN] HEY!

-HEY!

HEY.

[WOMAN]

GOOD, REALLY GOOD.

YEAH. I'M NOT VOMITING

EVERY MORNING:

LIKE I WAS:

IN THE FIRST TRIMESTER.

BUT I'VE JUST BEEN NESTING,

AND I DON'T KNOW,

I'M-- I'M REALLY EXCITED

-TO MEET THIS LITTLE PERSON.

-THAT'S GREAT.

THAT'S NOT TO SAY

I DON'T MISS HAVING

A DRINK SOMETIMES.

[CORK POPS]

-SH*T, I AM SO SORRY.

-OH, NO.

OH, NO.

NO. I'M-- I'M SORRY.

I-- I DIDN'T THINK

IT WOULD TAKE HIM THIS LONG.

[MAN] JESUS,

THE F***ING TRAFFIC

IN THIS TOWN.

-YOU NEED A HAND?

-YEAH, YOU MIND?

-THE TRUNK'S OPEN.

-NO PROBLEM.

THANKS, MAN.

HEY, SORRY.

NIGHTMARE OF TODAY.

-THREE HOURS?

-I KNOW, IT'S THE TRAFFIC.

GETTING OUT OF THE CITY

IS BRUTAL.

PAUL AND AUDRY:

GOT HERE FINE.

WELL, I'M THE NEW GUY,

I CAN'T BE CUTTING OUT

EARLY LIKE PAUL.

-IS THIS SWORDFISH?

-YEAH, IT WAS ON SALE.

RYAN, I--

I CAN'T EAT THIS.

WHY NOT?

THERE'S MERCURY

IN SWORDFISH.

CLAIRE, IT'S FINE.

MY MOM SMOKED A PACK A DAY

WHEN SHE HAD ME.

A LITTLE FISH:

ISN'T GONNA KILL YOU.

RIGHT.

[CLAIRE] HE'S JUST CREEPY.

EVERY TIME I'D LOOK UP,

HE'D BE STARING AT ME.

HE WASN'T LOOKING IN HERE.

HE'S JUST AN OLD MAN.

HE'S A CREEPY OLD MAN.

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HIM.

THE WAY HE SMELLED.

OH, MY GOD, YOU COULD TASTE IT.

YOU KNOW HE'S GOT A KEY

TO YOUR PLACE, RIGHT?

PAUL.

JESUS, I DIDN'T

EVEN THINK OF THAT.

WHAT IF I'M ALONE HERE

AND HE LETS HIMSELF IN?

HE CAN'T COME IN UNLESS HE GIVES

US A DAYS NOTICE.

CALM DOWN.

-WE HAVE TO CHANGE THE LOCKS.

-YEP.

WE'RE NOT CHANGING THE LOCKS,

ALL RIGHT? THANKS, PAL.

[PAUL CHUCKLES]

I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

IT'S DEFINITELY NOT AS BAD

AS THE FIRST TRIMESTER.

-YEAH?

-LIKE, I'M NOT AS WORRIED

SHE'S GONNA

MURDER ME IN MY SLEEP.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

JESUS CHRIST,

I GUESS THAT'S PROGRESS.

HONESTLY, I'M JUST TRYING

TO STAY FOCUSED ON WORK.

YOU GUYS:

SEEM GOOD TONIGHT.

WE'RE NOT FIGHTING.

WE'RE NOT REALLY

DOING ANYTHING.

SHE'S GOT A BUNCH OF SH*T SHE

WANTS TO DO BEFORE THE BABY

COMES,

SO, I COME HOME,

AND I PAINT ROOMS,

OR LOOK AT FURNITURE,

I WATCH THOSE:

HOUSE RENOVATION SHOWS

AND SHE TELLS ME

WHAT SHE LIKES,

AND I SMILE AND NOD,

AND WE DON'T FIGHT.

IT DOESN'T SOUND THAT BAD.

SHE'S A GREAT ROOMMATE

AND THAT'S PRETTY MUCH IT.

ARE YOU GUYS STILL

NOT HAVING SEX?

[CHUCKLES]

TAKE A WILD GUESS.

MAYBE SHE'S JUST SCARED

YOU'LL POKE THE BABY.

[CHUCKLES] MAYBE.

IT'LL GET BETTER.

WHY IS IT ALWAYS SO MUCH BETTER

IN THE BEGINNING?

BECAUSE SHE HASN'T HEARD

ALL YOUR SHITTY JOKES YET.

I MEAN, EVENTUALLY

SHE'S BOUND TO FIND OUT

YOU'RE NOT THAT FUNNY.

-[CHUCKLES]

-YOU'RE NOT THAT COOL.

IF YOU STOP TRYING SO HARD,

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