Where to Invade Next

On January 2nd,

I was quietly summoned

to the Pentagon

to meet with

the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Each branch was represented--

the Army, the Air Force,

the Navy, and the Marines.

"Michael,"

they said to me,

"We don't know

what the f*** we're doing."

Dressed up to win,

we're dressed up to win...

They hadn't won a war outright

since the big one, WWII.

We are just beginning

and we won't stop winning...

They went over

each of the wars that they had lost.

One...

after...

the other.

They regretted

having wasted trillions of dollars

and helping to create

new groups like ISIS.

They admitted that what they got

from these wars was just...

more war.

They couldn't even get us the oil

they promised us from Iraq.

They felt embarrassed,

humiliated.

Their hands were all placed

in a no-fly zone.

They asked me for my advice.

I thought for a moment

and then said the following.

"You must stand down."

I told them that our troops

needed a much-deserved break.

Finally a break.

Finally some downtime.

For the foreseeable future,

there are

to be no invasions,

no sending in

military advisors...

no more using drones

as wedding crashers.

Instead of sending in the Marines,

my suggestion?

Send in me.

I will invade countries

populated by Caucasians

with names I can

mostly pronounce,

take the things

we need from them,

and bring it all back home

to the United States of America.

For we have problems

no army could solve.

I believe

our government has a responsibility

to go to the aid of its citizens.

The life of a Vietnam vet

comes to a tragic end.

The man was found frozen

to death in his own home...

After Consumers Energy

turned his natural gas off.

I've made it clear

that we will hunt down terrorists

who threaten our country

wherever they are.

You will find no safe haven.

Our enemies

are innovative and resourceful,

and so are we.

They never stop thinking

about new ways

to harm our country

and our people

and neither do we.

This country will hunt down terrorists

and bring them to justice.

- On your face!

- No! Let me go!

The rule of law,

not the law of the jungle,

governs the conduct of nations.

Let her go! Let her go!

One of the things

this country stands for is...

Put your hand

behind your back.

- ...freedom.

- I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

I can't breathe.

We're disrupting their command

and control and supply lines.

We're destroying their facilities

and infrastructure

that fund their operations.

We cannot save

all the world's children,

but we can save many of them.

Some school districts

are asking parents

to buy toilet paper

for the upcoming school year.

Our troops will have

the best possible support

in the entire world.

Banks illegally foreclosed

on nearly 5,000 service members

while they were fighting abroad.

We destroyed a threat

and locked a tyrant

in the prison of his own country.

I've been in prison almost 42 years

for something I didn't do.

I spent my 20s, my 30s, my 40s

and nearly all of my 50s

in prison.

Should the day come

when we Americans

remain silent in the face

of armed aggression...

A doctor in the middle

of the abortion debate

was gunned down in the church lobby

while serving as an usher.

...then the cause of freedom

will have been lost.

We will not hesitate

to use our military might

to defend our allies

and our way of life.

Hands up, don't shoot.

I hitched a ride

aboard the U.S.S. Ronald Reagan

and made my way

to my first target--

the country of Italy.

It was time...

to invade.

Have you ever noticed that Italians

always look like

they just had sex?

Meet Gianni

and Cristina Fancelli,

two working-class Italians.

Gianni is a cop

and Cristina orders clothes

for department stores.

It was my first encounter

with the enemy.

They led me to their compound

where they wouldn't shut up

about where they had gone on vacation.

We usually plan one week

during the winter...

and then the first week

of June...

- Right.

- ...because it's our anniversary.

Okay.

Then three weeks in August.

Okay.

'Cause in Italy,

during the month of August

is usually, like,

a shutdown.

And are you paid

for these weeks?

Yeah, sure,

because every year

we usually have,

like, 30, 35 days

of, you know, holiday.

- Paid holiday, yeah.

- We don't pay.

So, wait, that's five days a week--

that's seven weeks.

Plus, we have

the national holidays.

How many are there of those?

- Dodici.

- 12? 12 days.

So that's another week or two.

Ah, each city

has a saint patron.

Patron saint, yeah.

- It's a city holiday.

- You're paid for this date?

- Yes.

- Yes.

And when you get married,

you have 15 days more.

Yeah.

- 15-- wait a minute.

- 15.

When you get married,

you have 15 days' paid holiday?

- To go on honeymoon.

- To pay for your honeymoon?

- Yes.

- They pay for your honeymoon?

Yes.

Eight weeks' paid vacation.

In December, we have

an additional salary in Italy.

- Most-- I think everybody.

- What's additional mean?

We call it 13th

because 12 months.

So we have the 13th salary

in December.

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

- Yes.

You get this 13th month,

this imaginary month

that you didn't work...

- Yes.

- ...and then you get--

Another salary

during the month of December.

Like, what, 10% more?

20?

No, no, a full salary.

So you get two months' pay

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