Todd Glass: Act Happy Page #2

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I know you're like, "Shu... Huh?"

When you have people over your house,

it's too bright.

I imagine everyone's thinking about when

they have people over,

going, "I don't think mine are."

No one goes, "Mine are too bright,

I don't give a f***." No, no.

People think lights go way up,

so they turn them up.

That's where the mistake starts,

because "the light goes up to there."

Do you turn everything way up?

How about the volume on your stereo?

I turn everything all the way up.

The oven if cooking.

It's up, it goes all the way up.

If you're sitting there now...

some people may think I'm right, others may say they know how

to set their houses up,

"I'm not perfect but not the worst."

You might be.

Go home and look at your hallway,

bathroom lighting.

When people come over,

the bathroom you provide for them.

If you go look at it

without boxing gloves on,

if you look at it and go, "F***.

He's right! I'm not in the gray area."

Let yourself off the hook.

But if you don't go, "What the f***?"

That's the room you provide people.

Even if you're not purposefully doing it,

you're going,"When people come over,

"I have a room

that leaves them feeling shitty.

"They'll look fat, look sweaty,

they'll look bloated. I give them that."

Restaurant are the same,

their bathrooms are too bright.

I go, "I hope you don't sell desserts

and go out of business."

You know what else?

Can Whole Foods help me out

with the bins of candy everywhere?

It's seriously hard not to eat it. I smoke pot, that's not an excuse,

cos what's not yours is not yours,

but you go in,

there are bins of candy just there.

Can't they put Velcro for some resistance?

You know, I have a good idea.

Can't they weigh you when you

come in and when you leave?

I'd be OK with that, so I could graze.

Lighten the ropes.

Sometimes when I have visitors,

I stage my refrigerator.

I head to Whole Foods to do it.

Like that wink? Don't put it in.

It was cheesy. Who am I?

Next I'll be kissing people

and doing this...

Waving at fake people

in the audience - an old trick.

People at home,

"I guess he knows a lot of people."

What am I, Wayne Newton?

So I stage my refrigerator,

a lot of you may do it

and not know what it means.

It means you have company coming,

you put better items in. You always act like, "What?"

Put like six glass waters.

"That's just how I live.

Is it different than most people?"

"I thought everyone had six glasses

of water lined up to the right."

"They don't do that? Shut up! No..."

"The lemonade with the corkscrew,

is that different?"

"Are there other types or something?"

I didn't contemplate that at Whole Foods

for three hours cos it was 40 cents more.

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