The Security Men Page #2

That's exactly what I was thinking.

Would you wash your mammy?

Would you, Duckers?

Come on, you come home from work,

your mammy's laying there

lightly soiled.

Would you wash her?

Would you, Duckers,

would you wash her?

What sort of a question's that?

What if it was with a flannel?

'Risk of serious injury?'

Grave.

'Reaction time to incident?'

What would you say, Ray?

Four minutes?

Oh, I think you'll find

it was a lot less than that.

Three?

Two.

I'm gonna put down 1.40.

'Number of cones?'

Six.

Just give me an honest answer,

Duckers. Would you wash your mammy?

I don't know.

I don't wanna even think about it.

Would you say, 'Feck it, she's

washed my own shitty arse a thousand

times, so I'll wash hers.'

Come on.

I'll tell you, hand on the Bible,

fecking seven of us and not

one of us ever washed my mammy.

Ninety-two she was when she died.

And even when he was giving her

the Last Rites,

Father Murphy commented

about the... smell of...

..baked-in shite.

Baked-in shite.

I love that.

Who are all those Incident Report

forms for, Kenneth?

For myself, Ray.

I like to keep a record.

And you can tell Jimmy I don't

appreciate him drawing an erect

member on my folder again.

You two, get off them

bloody scooters!

Yeah, stop titting about, lads.

I'm even jealous of myself

looking at these.

That's my Linda bladdered,

playing mini golf.

What's that?

It's just a little bit of piss.

She's quite leaky, my Linda.

They all end up leaky.

That's my Linda

at the captain's table.

She got invited to the captain's

table? She invited herself.

I think he were quite taken

with her.

He said he'd never met a woman

over 60 with piercings.

Fair play to her.

Whoa, hold on.

Typical bloody hoodie.

Spit it out. Doesn't matter

who has to clear it up.

Look at that mammy washer.

We're cutting it fine.

We'll miss it if we're not careful.

Now...

..little tip I've picked up

along the way.

From the Army?

Kim and Aggie.

I've put them on Series Link.

For Mother.

Isn't it time for your break now,

Kenneth?

In one minute, 40 seconds, yes.

There we are, Ray. Target eliminated.

You have to take a strong line

on these things.

Absolutely.

I'd never seen a woman's knockers

until I came to this country.

And then it was Helen Mirren's.

Both of them, left and right.

Yeah. Bob Hoskins was munching on

them as I remember. Lucky bugger.

That's Linda doing the conga.

On her own?

Oh, yeah.

Everyone on the ship knew her name.

Most nights we didn't even make it

back to the cabin.

Used to sleep in the gift shop.

I think they thought, 'That's

a couple that likes to have fun.'

Yeah.

That's a waxing rash, that is.

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