The Security Men

Synopsis: Duckers, Jimmy and Ray are three work-shy security guards at a shopping mall who spend much of their time mocking their Jobsworth boss Kenneth. One night they bunk off to watch and bet on a boxing match at the electrical shop, only to find on their return that the mall's jewellers has been robbed. To save face - and their jobs - they bring in computer ace Rhys to help concoct a new CCTV film in which two of them pose as robbers and the other two pursue them but lose them. It looks very genuine but P.C. Greaves has his doubts. Can they get away with it?
Genre: Comedy
43 min

just to have a look.

Oh, she's doing a handstand!

Oh, no.

Hey, how's she doing that

with the ping-pong ball?

That's my Linda.

All right, there, Kenneth.

Duckers. Good to have you back.

Well done on the Code 3 down there,

Red Leader.

Yeah, you did a mighty job.

I had to improvise with some paper

towels but I managed to contain

the spillage.

Yeah, it were a cracking holiday,


There's an Ocean Conqueror

shower cap there for you.

Oh, thank you. I were showing t'lads

some of my photos. Wanna skeg?


Have you ever thought about

cruising, Kenneth?

I've never been a Navy man.

Not good with water.

Like Eunice.

Could you pass me an Incident Report

form, please, Ray.

Kenneth, have you ever noticed how

filthy black Eunice's water is?

You should send her a memo.

Already taken care of.

Oh, er... I've rejigged the rota

a bit tonight, Kenneth.

Got you down for

a 12 o'clock break, OK? Righto.

So, how are things with your old

mum since I've been away, Kenneth?

Not good.

I've had to let Theresa the carer go.

Oh. Why's that, then?

Well, I got home the other night and

there was mother lying in the bed

lightly soiled

and Theresa was out the back with

a Benson and a can of Stella.

That's disgraceful.

Imagine your mother lying there

lightly soiled.

She was already on her fourth memo.

Your mother? No, Theresa.

I've told her time and time again,

you can't turn your back on my mother

for a moment.

It's like Russian Roulette.

She's a lazy cow, is Eunice.

Look where she's left

that bloody bucket.

Ask yourself this -

Theresa the carer's fired. Gone.

No longer in the picture.

Completely off the scene.

And Kenneth's mammy is lying there

lightly soiled.

Ask yourself this -

Who's washing her now?

Well, it must be Kenneth.

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Caroline Aherne

Caroline Mary Aherne (24 December 1963 – 2 July 2016) was an English comedian and BAFTA-winning writer and actress, best known for performing as the acerbic chat show host Mrs Merton, various roles in The Fast Show, and as Denise in The Royle Family, a series which she co-wrote. Aherne narrated the Channel 4 reality television series Gogglebox from its inception in 2013 until 1 April 2016. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018


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"The Security Men" STANDS4 LLC, 2020. Web. 9 Apr. 2020. <>.

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