The Security Men

Synopsis: Duckers, Jimmy and Ray are three work-shy security guards at a shopping mall who spend much of their time mocking their Jobsworth boss Kenneth. One night they bunk off to watch and bet on a boxing match at the electrical shop, only to find on their return that the mall's jewellers has been robbed. To save face - and their jobs - they bring in computer ace Rhys to help concoct a new CCTV film in which two of them pose as robbers and the other two pursue them but lose them. It looks very genuine but P.C. Greaves has his doubts. Can they get away with it?
43 min


This is Red Leader. Over.

Repeat. This is Red Leader. Over.

'Go ahead, Red Leader .'

I'm approaching incident. Over.

'Copy that, Red Leader.

Be careful down there.'

We have a Code 3. Repeat. Code 3.

'Code 3. What do you see down there,

Red Leader?

Please report status.'

Copy that. I'm going in.

Yes... we have a definite spillage.

Looks to me like coke.

Possibly Dr Pepper.

I'm effecting contingency plan.

Look at him. Milking it.

What do you reckon, Jimmy?

Five coner?

No, no. Six.

This is a big job.

Nah. I'm sticking with five.

One... two...


..four... five!



Oh, bollocks.

I knew there'd be six.

There was five for the McFlurry.


This is Red Leader.

Spillage contained.

Nice work, Red Leader.

Excellent security control.

He's an arsehole.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Careful, Madam.

I don't want any casualties.

Not on my watch.

Control, this is Red Leader.

Activate Eunice.

Repeat. Activate Eunice.

Kenneth wants you activated, Eunice.

I'd activate his bollocks,

that's what I'd activate.

How many cones?


That's never six cones.

That's a two-coner, if that.

If he thinks I'm mopping that up

at three minutes to six,

he can shove it

right up his ringpiece.

Having trouble locating Eunice

at the moment, Red Leader.

Last known whereabouts,

just outside Hallmark Cards.

'Give you a status update

when we locate her.'

Copy that.

He's only sent me a memo

about changing my water.

No way?!


It said, 'From Kenneth to Eunice'

at the top,

then subject, 'Water in Bucket'

then at the bottom it said,

'Formal warning.'

I wouldn't stand for that.

No, you're the boss

of your own water, Eunice.

Why should Kenneth interfere

with your water?

You tell Kenneth it's your water and

you do whatever you like with it.

Fourteen years I've worked here

and I've never once had a memo.

Shown it t'my Cliff.

What did he say?

He said Kenneth's a twat.

You're right, there.

How is Cliff?

Oh, he's driving me mad.

I'm hoping he'll re-offend,

get him out from under my feet.

- Hey, is Duckers back tonight?

- Yeah.

Right, well, I'll get going,

cos he can be a very boring man.

'Night, Eunice. 'Night, love.

'Night, Jimmy. Good night, Eunice.

Eunice, don't forget your bucket.


Good night, sweetheart.

She's a dirty cow. That water

hasn't been changed since February.

I know. Could smell it from here.

Pure sh*t.


I am sailing

Home again

Across the sea


'Ey up, Duckers. How was it?

We'll never have another holiday

on dry land, me and Linda.

Best holiday we've ever had.

Linda wants a porthole

put in the downstairs loo now.

So, did you miss me?



Of course we did.

Where's Kenneth? Ooh.

Bloody hell. Six cones?

That's a four-coner, tops.

Anyway, I've not come home


Here you are, lads. Are you ready?

Ocean Conqueror... shower gel.



Ocean Conqueror... shampoo.



Ocean Conqueror...

..shower cap.


Duckers, it's like we've been

on that cruise with you.

You've really pushed the boat out

there, mate. Boat out.

Good 'un, that.

I don't want this shower cap.

And I don't want the shampoo.

I'll have the shower gel.

You haven't got a shower.

Fair play. I'll have the shampoo.

I'll have the shower gel, then.

Now, form an orderly queue.

Got all my photos in here,

printed off.

Here she is in all her glory.

What, the Ocean Conqueror?

No, my Linda.

She seems to be the only one


She was. There's a better one in

here of 'em resting in the soup.

They came from t'top deck

just to have a look.

Oh, she's doing a handstand!

Oh, no.

Hey, how's she doing that

with the ping-pong ball?

That's my Linda.

All right, there, Kenneth.

Duckers. Good to have you back.

Well done on the Code 3 down there,

Red Leader.

Yeah, you did a mighty job.

I had to improvise with some paper

towels but I managed to contain

the spillage.

Yeah, it were a cracking holiday,


There's an Ocean Conqueror

shower cap there for you.

Oh, thank you. I were showing t'lads

some of my photos. Wanna skeg?


Have you ever thought about

cruising, Kenneth?

I've never been a Navy man.

Not good with water.

Like Eunice.

Could you pass me an Incident Report

form, please, Ray.

Kenneth, have you ever noticed how

filthy black Eunice's water is?

You should send her a memo.

Already taken care of.

Oh, er... I've rejigged the rota

a bit tonight, Kenneth.

Got you down for

a 12 o'clock break, OK? Righto.

So, how are things with your old

mum since I've been away, Kenneth?

Not good.

I've had to let Theresa the carer go.

Oh. Why's that, then?

Well, I got home the other night and

there was mother lying in the bed

lightly soiled

and Theresa was out the back with

a Benson and a can of Stella.

That's disgraceful.

Imagine your mother lying there

lightly soiled.

She was already on her fourth memo.

Your mother? No, Theresa.

I've told her time and time again,

you can't turn your back on my mother

for a moment.

It's like Russian Roulette.

She's a lazy cow, is Eunice.

Look where she's left

that bloody bucket.

Ask yourself this -

Theresa the carer's fired. Gone.

No longer in the picture.

Completely off the scene.

And Kenneth's mammy is lying there

lightly soiled.

Ask yourself this -

Who's washing her now?

Well, it must be Kenneth.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

Would you wash your mammy?

Would you, Duckers?

Come on, you come home from work,

your mammy's laying there

lightly soiled.

Would you wash her?

Would you, Duckers,

would you wash her?

What sort of a question's that?

What if it was with a flannel?

'Risk of serious injury?'


'Reaction time to incident?'

What would you say, Ray?

Four minutes?

Oh, I think you'll find

it was a lot less than that.



I'm gonna put down 1.40.

'Number of cones?'


Just give me an honest answer,

Duckers. Would you wash your mammy?

I don't know.

I don't wanna even think about it.

Would you say, 'Feck it, she's

washed my own shitty arse a thousand

times, so I'll wash hers.'

Come on.

I'll tell you, hand on the Bible,

fecking seven of us and not

one of us ever washed my mammy.

Ninety-two she was when she died.

And even when he was giving her

the Last Rites,

Father Murphy commented

about the... smell of...

..baked-in shite.

Baked-in shite.

I love that.

Who are all those Incident Report

forms for, Kenneth?

For myself, Ray.

I like to keep a record.

And you can tell Jimmy I don't

appreciate him drawing an erect

member on my folder again.

You two, get off them

bloody scooters!

Yeah, stop titting about, lads.

I'm even jealous of myself

looking at these.

That's my Linda bladdered,

playing mini golf.

What's that?

It's just a little bit of piss.

She's quite leaky, my Linda.

They all end up leaky.

That's my Linda

at the captain's table.

She got invited to the captain's

table? She invited herself.

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Caroline Aherne

Caroline Mary Aherne (24 December 1963 – 2 July 2016) was an English comedian and BAFTA-winning writer and actress, best known for performing as the acerbic chat show host Mrs Merton, various roles in The Fast Show, and as Denise in The Royle Family, a series which she co-wrote. Aherne narrated the Channel 4 reality television series Gogglebox from its inception in 2013 until 1 April 2016. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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