The Security Men

Synopsis: Duckers, Jimmy and Ray are three work-shy security guards at a shopping mall who spend much of their time mocking their Jobsworth boss Kenneth. One night they bunk off to watch and bet on a boxing match at the electrical shop, only to find on their return that the mall's jewellers has been robbed. To save face - and their jobs - they bring in computer ace Rhys to help concoct a new CCTV film in which two of them pose as robbers and the other two pursue them but lose them. It looks very genuine but P.C. Greaves has his doubts. Can they get away with it?
Genre: Comedy
43 min


This is Red Leader. Over.

Repeat. This is Red Leader. Over.

'Go ahead, Red Leader .'

I'm approaching incident. Over.

'Copy that, Red Leader.

Be careful down there.'

We have a Code 3. Repeat. Code 3.

'Code 3. What do you see down there,

Red Leader?

Please report status.'

Copy that. I'm going in.

Yes... we have a definite spillage.

Looks to me like coke.

Possibly Dr Pepper.

I'm effecting contingency plan.

Look at him. Milking it.

What do you reckon, Jimmy?

Five coner?

No, no. Six.

This is a big job.

Nah. I'm sticking with five.

One... two...


..four... five!



Oh, bollocks.

I knew there'd be six.

There was five for the McFlurry.


This is Red Leader.

Spillage contained.

Nice work, Red Leader.

Excellent security control.

He's an arsehole.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Careful, Madam.

I don't want any casualties.

Not on my watch.

Control, this is Red Leader.

Activate Eunice.

Repeat. Activate Eunice.

Kenneth wants you activated, Eunice.

I'd activate his bollocks,

that's what I'd activate.

How many cones?


That's never six cones.

That's a two-coner, if that.

If he thinks I'm mopping that up

at three minutes to six,

he can shove it

right up his ringpiece.

Having trouble locating Eunice

at the moment, Red Leader.

Last known whereabouts,

just outside Hallmark Cards.

'Give you a status update

when we locate her.'

Copy that.

He's only sent me a memo

about changing my water.

No way?!


It said, 'From Kenneth to Eunice'

at the top,

then subject, 'Water in Bucket'

then at the bottom it said,

'Formal warning.'

I wouldn't stand for that.

No, you're the boss

of your own water, Eunice.

Why should Kenneth interfere

with your water?

You tell Kenneth it's your water and

you do whatever you like with it.

Fourteen years I've worked here

and I've never once had a memo.

Shown it t'my Cliff.

What did he say?

He said Kenneth's a twat.

You're right, there.

How is Cliff?

Oh, he's driving me mad.

I'm hoping he'll re-offend,

get him out from under my feet.

- Hey, is Duckers back tonight?

- Yeah.

Right, well, I'll get going,

cos he can be a very boring man.

'Night, Eunice. 'Night, love.

'Night, Jimmy. Good night, Eunice.

Eunice, don't forget your bucket.


Good night, sweetheart.

She's a dirty cow. That water

hasn't been changed since February.

I know. Could smell it from here.

Pure shit.


I am sailing

Home again

Across the sea


'Ey up, Duckers. How was it?

We'll never have another holiday

on dry land, me and Linda.

Best holiday we've ever had.

Linda wants a porthole

put in the downstairs loo now.

So, did you miss me?



Of course we did.

Where's Kenneth? Ooh.

Bloody hell. Six cones?

That's a four-coner, tops.

Anyway, I've not come home


Here you are, lads. Are you ready?

Ocean Conqueror... shower gel.



Ocean Conqueror... shampoo.



Ocean Conqueror...

..shower cap.


Duckers, it's like we've been

on that cruise with you.

You've really pushed the boat out

there, mate. Boat out.

Good 'un, that.

I don't want this shower cap.

And I don't want the shampoo.

I'll have the shower gel.

You haven't got a shower.

Fair play. I'll have the shampoo.

I'll have the shower gel, then.

Now, form an orderly queue.

Got all my photos in here,

printed off.

Here she is in all her glory.

What, the Ocean Conqueror?

No, my Linda.

She seems to be the only one


She was. There's a better one in

here of 'em resting in the soup.

They came from t'top deck

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Caroline Aherne

Caroline Mary Aherne (24 December 1963 – 2 July 2016) was an English comedian and BAFTA-winning writer and actress, best known for performing as the acerbic chat show host Mrs Merton, various roles in The Fast Show, and as Denise in The Royle Family, a series which she co-wrote. Aherne narrated the Channel 4 reality television series Gogglebox from its inception in 2013 until 1 April 2016. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "The Security Men" STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 15 Jan. 2021. <>.

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