The Scalphunters

# My mother was a Baptist, boys

# My father was a Jew

# My sister married an orphan

# At the battle of Waterloo

# Don't ever kiss a Hindu, boys

# Unless you are engaged

# True love is never found with girls

# Who dance upon the stage

# Andy Jackson saw a bear

# And chased him up a tree

# A hound dog would have caught the fox

# If he hadn't stopped to...

# My mother was a Baptist, boys

# My father was a Jew

# My sister married an orphan

# At the battle of Waterloo

Hello, Two Crows.

Like hell we will.

Damn your eyes,

I spent all winter getting them furs.

And they're not for trade here.

What the hell do I want with him?

I don't care how you got him.

Wait a minute. I know he's brave as

a buffalo. You don't have to slice him up.

I don't want him.

You're all right, Two Crows.

You ought to be a white man.

You'd be captain of the steamboat

and president of the bank.

Just cos you own this damn country.

What are you standing there for?

Can't you speak English?

- No, sir.

- What do you mean, "No, sir"?

I mean I wish I didn't.

Come over here.

Turn around.

You sure don't look like you're worth

a winter trapping of furs.

No, sir, I'm not.

In fact, sir, I'm not worth anything.

- What's your name?

- Joseph Winfield Lee.

Formerly of the Comanche tribe,

until stolen by the Kiowas.

- You're far from home. You run away?

- As the spirits directed me, sir.

You don't talk like a field slave.

You kill anybody when you ran off?

No, sir. That's contrary to the law.

You think what those Indians did to me

was the law?

- Just cos I'm trespassing?

- No, sir.

Caveat emptor legalis semper.

Let the buyer beware.

- I've heard that said.

- Where'd you learn them wise remarks?

I was privileged to associate with one of

the best-educated families in Louisiana.

- I can read, write and cipher.

- Don't brag on it.

- Pick up that bag. Let's go.

- Where to?

To get my furs back.

Where the hell do you think?

Can I ask you a question, sir? How

do you plan to fight all those Kiowas?

By natural application of superior tactics,

Massachusetts wit, and left-handed skill.

Oh. You're gonna shoot 'em, sir.

Hell, no.

There's a cask of trade rum in that pack.

Them Indians'll have a drunk party

and I'll get back my packhorse and furs.

- What about me, sir?

- I'll sell you to the highest bidder.

Could you make that to a Comanche?

You seem to have a prejudice

against serving the white race.

I don't mean to be narrow in my attitude.

Could I ask you what's your name, sir?

Joe Bass.

Well, Mr Bass, couldn't you kinda

consider me a captured Comanche?

I came on foot as far as the Comanches.

It was my intention

to circle south to Mexico.

The Mexicans have a law against slavery.

And since those Indians captured me from

Indians, I now have full Indian citizenship.

- Joseph Lee, you ever study the law?

- No, sir.

Neither did I. But you ain't got a chance

in hell of calling yourself an Indian.

You're African.

Slave by employment, black by colour.

You ain't gonna walk good enough

to catch them Kiowas.

- I guess I'm a failure as a packhorse, sir.

- A man don't ever say quit, Joseph Lee.

No, sir. He doesn't.

Hand me that bag.

Crab onto her tail.

See the superiority of the white-skinned

race when it comes to walking.

My ancestors were famous as liars,

walkers and patriots. Are you patriotic?

Yes, sir. Fourth of July

I generally set up quite a holler.

Of course, if someone came along now

they might figure you own me.

- You're riding, I'm walking.

- But that's not the case.

In a manner of speaking, you are

the image of my packhorse and fur pelts.

- I'd take good care of 'em, wouldn't I?

- Yes, sir.

They're a valuable

wholesale or retail commodity.

You wouldn't be thinking of

grabbing those reins and running off?

I doubt it, sir.

- You doubt it?

- I'm not sure of the directions.

I haven't any food and, as a Comanche,

I might run into those Kiowas again.

Tired?

You hear that? Two Crows and his boys

are in that gully having a hell of a time.

You just sit here and rest

for about five minutes while I take a look.

Pick 'em up.

- I've decided what I'm gonna do with you.

- Sell me to Egypt.

I'm gonna sell you in St Louis. You'll retail

for about 15 mules and 10 bales of cotton.

- Yes, sir.

- Don't try to run. You can't get nowhere.

- Yes, sir.

- And shut up.

Yes, sir.

Shh!

Well, Mr Bass, there they are. Co get 'em.

Just like that?

I'd say they're considerably

under the influence.

- You ever fight 12 drunk Indians?

- No, sir. But I'd like to see it done.

As a Comanche,

what I'd do is run off their horses.

You're an African Comanche.

But you're right.

- You see that brush?

- Yes, sir.

- I want you to get down there.

- Right now, sir?

When it gets dark.

That's mesquite. It'll burn.

- I want you to start a fire.

- What'll you do, sir?

When they go for the fire,

I'll stampede their horses.

They'll be so drunk, I'll get my packhorse

and furs and be gone.

- Can I say something, Mr Bass?

- What is it?

If you're gonna sell me back into being

a runaway slave, do it all yourself.

Of course, if you help me get to Mexico,

then maybe I'll help you.

Joseph Lee, I expect that someday

you'll be president of the Bank of Omaha.

But right now you're going down there

and do as I tell you.

Or I'll skin your black carcass.

Cet my rifle. Co on.

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