The Onion Movie
- NOT RATED
- Year:
- 2008
- 86 min
- 538 Views
the Onion to get the story.
It's America's finest news source.
And now, the Onion News...
America's finest news source.
Featuring Dana Dobbs...
senior correspondent, Kip Kendall...
and award-winning anchor,
Norm Archer.
We begin today
with news from Detroit...
where automaking giant,
American Automotive...
announced a safety recall of all
The neck belts introduced last month
in an attempt to reduce head injuries...
have been found to cause
crushed tracheas...
severe spinal damage
and violent decapitation.
Daddy's home. Hi, Dad.
Today, the U.S. military announced
an innovative new plan to draw new recruits.
You sign up right now...
you get one pair of Ozzfest tickets...
and a set of mud flaps for your truck.
Then after six months of active duty...
you are eligible to receive...
an ounce of weed.
Sweet!
And in six more months,
a bunch more weed.
You're f***in' lying.
I get some more weed?
And if you serve a tour of duty
during a foreign conflict...
you will receive
upon your discharge... this.
- A hot b*tch poster.
- Damn it! Sign me up!
The Internet went down
for three hours this morning...
plunging the nation into productivity.
The outage, which caused major work
"startages" from New York to California...
prevented an estimated
from messing around
on the Web at work.
where the strong
prey on the weak-
One man must face
the ultimate challenge-
Master, how did they defeat me?
They used an ancient technique.
It strikes at the very core of a warrior's strength.
For this attack,
there is no defense.
Master, will you teach me?
- You are not yet ready, my son.
- I'm ready, master.
No, you are not.
You have much to learn.
You, young pupil...
shall become... a cockpuncher.
From Global Tetrahedron Pictures-
Steven Seagal is Cockpuncher.
Stop!
Cockpuncher.
I don't think you have the balls.
From Global Tetrahedron Pictures.
That looks awesome!
Sure does, kids.
A real whomp in the nut sack.
Honey, have you seen
my good black socks?
- Mommy, look.
- Honey?
If you see news happening,
call the Onion News hotline.
Honey, I cannot find my good black socks.
Hello? Onion News?
My baby!
We're here live with
a breaking news story.
Apparently, a local area man
has misplaced his black socks.
Mr. McCormick, would you please tell us
exactly what happened this morning?
Sure. Um, I got up.
It was a normal morning.
The kids are downstairs.
And, uh, my wife's giving 'em breakfast.
And all of a sudden, I noticed
that my good black socks are missing.
Here's your boy, ma'am,
safe and sound.
Oh. Thanks, thanks.
Look, sweetie. Look!
- The Onion News van!
- Yeah.
In other news, a local
eight-year-old accidentally...
exercised his Second Amendment
rights yesterday...
when he blew off his head
with his father's semiautomatic rifle.
The fatal incident is being hailed
by gun rights activists...
as a victory for America
and the Constitution.
- Nobody move, unless you want
your head blown off!
- You!
- Please. Please don't shoot me.
I'll give you however much you want.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You think I want money?
You think that's what this is about?
comes walking in waving a gun...
and you assume
he's robbing the place?
I ain't looking for no goddamn handout.
I'm looking for a motherfucking job, b*tch!
- Excuse me?
- You heard me! A motherfucking job!
Don't you see? If you give me money,
that'll just help me in the short term.
But a job, that'll help me develop
valuable job skills and experience.
It's like teaching a man how to fish.
So quit stalling,
get your b*tch ass back there...
and give me a 40-hour week position...
with vacation pay and benefits...
you piece of sh*t motherf***er.
And don't make me ask twice.
Back that ass up.
Let's go. Let's go. I can help
the next motherfuckin' person in line.
You in that apricot sweater suit,
get your b*tch ass on over here now!
How can I help you today?
I'd like to deposit this check,
please, into my savings account,
and then I need to withdraw-
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just shut the f*** up for a minute.
What the f*** you doin', Liz Anne?
You callin' the cops?
- No.
- If that's the goddamned cops-
No, no, I swear. I was just on
with an account holder. I was advising him-
I'm gonna kill you, b*tch!
Who the f***'s this?
You a cop? Mm-hmm.
Well, what I recommend is that
you keep at least 500 in your checking...
to just avoid
and put the rest in our money market which
will earn you an additional 2% interest.
Right. You have a nice day, sir.
My pleasure. Uh-
Liz Anne, uh, sorry.
My bad.
That's okay.
Honest mistake.
Armed gunman,
I've been watching you...
and I must say, I'm impressed.
How'd you like to be
our new customer services supervisor?
Mr. P., it'd be
my motherfuckin' honor.
Outstanding. Yeah, we're gonna get you
an annuity for 12 years on that one.
I'll get you 8% on that one.
Everybody down now!
Get the f*** down, everybody!
Give me all the money!
Hurry up! Hurry the f*** up!
What you doing?
You playing back there?
Load the bag up with money,
and nobody else f***ing move.
You hurry up!
Hurry the f*** up!
Load the bag up!
Load the bag-
You sicken me.
Asking for a handout...
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"The Onion Movie" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 26 Apr. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_onion_movie_15292>.
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