Steve Rannazzisi: Breaking Dad Page #2

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So now this guy's

in the middle of the ocean,

6:
00 at night,

in a life vest.

No boat.

No one's around.

So what does this guy do?

He swims nine miles

back to the shore of Miami

in the dark, in the ocean,

at night.

Nine [bleep] miles.

I have no comprehension of what

that must have felt like.

I'm gonna--let me ask you

a question, okay?

You're put in

the exact same situation, sir.

How many miles do you

think you make it? Honestly.

Be honest with yourself and

all the people that are here.

- A quarter mile.

- Did you say a quarter mile?

[laughter and applause]

A quarter mile's very honest.

A quarter mile is--yes.

That's an honest answer, sir.

That's like not

giving up too soon,

but you're like,

"I'm gonna give it an effort,

but there's no [bleep] way

I'm making it to the beach."

Here's how far I would make it.

I would swim until

something grazed my foot--

a sea creature--

and then I would just be like,

"Click, click, click, click.

Blub, blub, blub, blub."

Right to the bottom

of the [bleep] ocean.

Done.

Done!

Sea creatures

touching my feet?

No, thank you!

If someone else's foot

touches mine in a hot tub,

I'll barf everywhere.

I'll [bleep] a hot tub party up.

I'll ruin it.

Nine miles in the ocean!

During the night!

Swam!

Came up on shore

at 6:
00 in the morning.

Walked onto the shore.

Just came out of the water.

Which I hope was the night

where some high school kids

were taking acid

and decided to come down,

just hanging out at the beach.

Like, "Right, PJ?

"This is the greatest

night ever, right, man?

What the [bleep] is that?"

Just, "Blurgh!"

Crawling out of the water?

An ex-linebacker?

Covered in seaweed?

Your brain would

never work right again.

They brought him

to the hospital.

He had, like,

over 150 jellyfish stings,

like, all over his body.

Yeah, yeah,

it was horrible.

They gave him shots, ointment,

and then he checked himself

out of the hospital.

Yeah, he released himself.

He was like, "I want

to go home and see my family."

Went home, just

hanging out with his family.

They made him do

a press conference,

and they asked him, "Dude,

what made you swim?

"Like, at some point,

you had to go, 'No, I'm done.

I can't do it anymore.'"

He was like,

"Every time I wanted to stop,

"I just thought of my wife

and my kids,

and I just kept going."

And I was like, "Oh, my God.

Who is this man's family?"

Like, who is his wife?

She must make him pancakes

and [bleep] his dick

while he's eating them.

Right?

His kids must have paper routes

and mow people's lawns

and give him the money.

"Here, Dad. You keep this.

You're gonna need it one day

for us."

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