Simon Amstell: Do Nothing Page #5

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which is why I love him.

And I think the difference between us,

because I think we were both

quite shy as children...

I say, "I think" - I did a lot of research on him.

But he retained that shyness,

and it makes him beautiful and sensitive,

and I decided shyness

was something to be overcome,

and I think it's in our training.

He went to a really good

acting school in London

where he was taught to nourish

his sensitivity, to nurture his vulnerability,

and that's what makes him a great actor.

I went to Saturday-morning stage school

in Essex,

where we were taught that whether we were

singing, dancing or acting, just do it loud.

So I didn't become good

at any of those things.

But when I danced, people heard.

So I'm there, still shouting at him.

And I realise I've got to make some sort

of lasting connection with him.

I ask, it occurs to me to ask,

"You must be very busy at the moment,

but do you have a night off?"

He says, "I have Monday nights off."

"I know a very cool club night

that happens on Mondays."

It's very cool to me,

'cause it's such a contrast

to the Essex nightclub I went to

for three years, in Romford.

Three years, between the ages of 18 and 21.

Three years, every Saturday night,

in Romford.

Three years, every Saturday night,

in Romford.

Three years.

Because nobody told me

that London was close.

And you had to wear black trousers to get in,

black shoes, an un-tucked shirt,

and I don't like it when the dress code

is "basic dick".

I think it's restricting.

One time, I don't know

if I was being rebellious

or if I just thought it would be okay,

I wore black trainers.

I thought that would be all right.

And the bouncer looked at me and said,

"You can't come in like that.

"You look like you've come from a gym."

Which gym do I look like I've come from?

He's such a basic human being,

to him there's only two forms of dress,

club and gym.

I remember the last time I went there.

I think I was 21, and I threw up.

I used to throw up there quite a lot,

'cause I used to drink a lot

'cause I wasn't happy.

I don't want to judge you

if you're drinking tonight,

but you know it's 'cause

you're not happy, right? You know...

"We'll have a good old... We're all right,

we'll have a couple of drinks

"and then pay for laughter. We're fine."

I was trying to get to the toilet,

and I didn't make it.

I threw up on the dance floor.

I looked at what I'd done, and I was pleased.

I thought, "That's what you deserve.

That should be your logo."

But now I was in London,

talking to this actor,

and I suggested this wonderful

avant-garde club on a Monday night,

which he hadn't heard of,

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