Pain & Gain Page #2

Are they good?

- You're approved.

- Wow! (CHUCKLES)

You know, I get so much joy

from making people money.

I'm going to make

you guys a lot of money.

You have such beautiful hair.

Look at those eyes. Wow!

I, Daniel Lugo, hereby

acknowledge my guilt.

I know what I did was wrong

and there is no substitute for hard work.

And I am a hard worker!

And it will never happen again.

For I used my superior intelligence

for wrong actions to justify a good end.

And that was wrong.

And, if you let me,

I believe I can learn from my mistakes

and I believe I can help others

to realize that there is

no shortcut to the American dream.

This is America, land of the brave

and home of the second chances.

That's my one ask,

that you give me a second chance

and allow me to go free today.

JUDGE:
Guilty.

I know I'm guilty. That's what I said

in the beginning of my statement.

I said, "I'm guilty."

But what about my second chance?

(CELL DOOR RATTLING

AND CLOSING)

(SCOFFS)

That's nothing. Welcome aboard.

Thank you, sir. I will not disappoint you.

DANIEL:
Three weeks after I signed on,

Sun Gym did triple its membership.

I'ma make you Kobe beef, baby.

One more!

I gave free body waxing

for everybody at sign-up.

It was kind of disgusting.

You have to do whatever it takes

and have no fear.

Ooh. Wow. Bushy.

You want to trim that thing

down a little bit?

I even came up with genius.

Free membership

for strippers. Delicious.

Boosted membership 75%

within two months.

Look like a big sirloin steak, baby!

I like that!

I did make it a muscle mecca.

I made it a destination.

(GIRLS WHOOPING AND LAUGHING)

John was rolling in the cash.

He started reading Fortune magazine.

And he recognized my value.

I made Senior Fitness Coordinator

by Christmas.

Perks included.

'Cause that's how it works.

You give and you get back.

Oh, bills suck.

JONNY:
(ON TV)

Rolled out into a money magnet.

I'm living the American dream.

Take notes and HI tell you the secrets

of living the dream!

Does your life suck balls?

Are you a hot mess?

Do you ever look in your mirror

at home and ask,

(MOCKINGLY)

"Why me?" Well, go to Jonny Wu's

Golden Dream seminar

at the Jupiter Ballroom

and you'll find out how to be a do-er!

DANIEL:
l got to say,

it felt great to be doing so awesome.

(BURPING)

(SNIFFING)

- What is that stink?

- What stink?

You smell like a Cuban stripper.

My niece gave it to me for Christmas.

It's called "Vanilla Fella."

Oh, well, it's unsettling

while I sweat here.

So, you make decent coin in this place?

We do fine.

Shoots out your ass in taxes

though, right'? (GROANS)

Hey, if you're smart, you do what I do.

Incorporate offshore.

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