Major Payne Page #2

Come on, people !

Mo-o-o-ve !

Hustle, hustle, hustle !

Let's go. Giddyap !

Giddyap, let's go !

Sir, the squad

is formed, sir !

Carry on.

My name is

Major Benson Winifred Payne !

As of 0800...

I am replacin'

Major Frankfurt...

as your commanding officer !

See now,

what we have here...

is a failure to communicate.

Do... not... attempt...

to challenge...

my... authority !

I have eight weeks

to turn you gaggle of maggots...

into a well-disciplined

cadet unit.

From this day forward,

your sorry asses belong to me.

You will not eat, sleep,

drink, blow your nose,

or even dig in your butts

without my say-so !

Know this:
Killin'

is my business, ladies,

and business is good !

- Yoo-hoo !

- What ?

I have to go

to the bathroom.

- You hold it, turd.

- I can't !

I said hold it, or

I'll break that off...

and kick it around

on the ground.

Now, be advised, ladies,

- we are going to win

the Virginia Military Games !

- I said win:
Whiskey, Indian, November.

Get used to the sound

of that word !

- Major Payne !

- What, boy ? What, what, what ?

I did somethin' bad.

- You nasty little worm !

Go change your Huggies, boy,

and be back here pronto !

Stop that cryin' !

You'll get no pity from me !

You think your tears'll stop Charlie

from takin' his bayonet...

- and stickin' it in

your little tiny heart ?

- What the hell was that, you

little freckle-faced cartoon ?

Did I give you

permission to sneeze, Opie ?

- No, sir.

- Then you hold it in,

you big-eared turd,

- otherwise I'll kick your ass

back to Mayberry !

I see we have a sickly boy

on our hands.

We're gonna have to boost

your immune system, son !

Drop down,

give me 25 pushups now !

- Count 'em out !

- One, sir.

- Two, sir.

What are you laughin' at, pig-boy ?

You find a piece of candy

in your pocket ?

- No, sir !

- What's your name, tubby ?

- H-Heathcoat, sir !

- Heathcoat.

You know, you remind me

of the doughboy.

If I poke your stomach

will it make you go

You know what ? I'm gonna help you

make room for lunch, bacon-boy.

Drop down, give me 30 situps

right now ! Let's go !

Count 'em out !

Let me see that belly roll !

- One, tubby, tubby !

- One, sir.

- Come on, pork chop !

- Two, chubby, chubby !

- Two, sir.

Whoo !

You's a pure genius !

Who you ? Redd Foxx ?

No, better yet.

You Richard Pryor, ain't you ?

Whoo !

What's your name,

girlfriend ?

Dwight Williams, but the boys

call me "D," sir.

- You can call me D.

- D, hmm ?

Yeah, brother.

- You like the way I handle

these white boys, D ?

- Oh, yeah !

It make you feel good to see

a black man runnin' things, huh ?

- Malcolm X.

- Well, let me tell you somethin', D.

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